Had a decent first day as the kindergarten librarian, although I needed a good nap myself when I got home 😅. Due to my OCD fears and depression, this would have been impossible in the past. It can get better and I wish I could tell when, but you just have to keep fighting and lean on the community.

Thanks! I hope you're doing well ☺.

@Ben84 Could be better haha like always. Glad to see things are working out for you though

😊

I understand that feeling. Like I said, I wish I could tell you when it will get better, but I know from experience that the road may be long. However, you have a lot of advantages that I didn't when I started my journey. Even if therapy isn't an option, you still have this forum, the OCD Stories podcast, Chrissie Hodges videos, IG accounts, some wonderful self-help books, and other resources. Make good use of them ☺!

@Ben84 Are you fully recovered? What if my thoughts are real and it’s really not OCD

@Justmesadly That's a common concern ☺. I wouldn't say I'm fully recovered and don't anticipate ever being so, but I'm still working on living a fulfilling life. See if this video helps you. She has more on this topic if you scroll through her videos. I see you're fairly new here. If you feel comfortable, can you tell me a bit about yourself (type of OCD, how long you've had it, age). No pressure ☺. https://youtu.be/rgxre7094uw

@Ben84 Okay I will watch her videos. I have been suffering just over a year as of February 16th 2020. I believe I have real event OCD from playing inappropriate as a child and I worry it means I am gay or I am a pedophile or that I molested my friend and I am going to go to jail for it. I just started nannying since I have discovered OCD and now I sometimes get groinals when changing my little boys diapers and I feel I do a bad job bc I’m afraid of touching them inappropriately. I also have HOCD which was my first symptom. I was watching a show were a girl was dating this guy and turned out she was actually in love with her girl best friend and I had a panic attack for about 7 days straight with no sleep just constantly freaking out !before I saw a therapist. Then I started getting groinal response to every women I saw and would constantly go check if I was turned on or not. I got to the point of no longer going to stores out of fear. So this went on a while until I discovered YouTube videos and once I stopped checking the groinals went away after a month or so. Once I stopped reacting and doing like all the YouTube said I started ruminating much less. Flash forward to a month ago I started feeling much better, not reacting to intrusive thoughts, and ruminating only like 2 hours a day. Then bomb this week I have had it all come back, groinals are back, intrusive thoughts are intense. I am panicking that when I thought I might have been aroused by my best friend 5-6 years ago (I didn’t panic back then) that I really was (I didn’t know what arousal was or felt like until 2 years ago when I became sexually active) but now since it was so long ago I don’t know if I actually was or not and I can’t stop ruminating and I don’t want to be her friend bc I’m so scared I just want to die. I’ve never been aroused by her or even thought I was since then or any other time or anything. Or thought or was aroused by a women any other time. I am feeling extremely suicidal today

@Justmesadly I appreciate you taking the time to type that all out ☺. Yes, watch her videos on the topics you mentioned. Also know that I've had plenty of times over the years where things have gotten better and then WHAM! it not only comes back, but feels worse. This is unfortunately common. Everything you mentioned has been described by others on here. I myself have experienced some of it. You mentioned you're feeling suicidal. Are you in a safe place right now?

@Ben84 It’s hell. I don’t see the point of continuing life like this?! There’s little to no quality of life so why should I continue.... I am at my apartment where I live alone. I don’t have a plan I just really want to and feel so sick and like I’m going to die

@Justmesadly I know things can get rough believe me i do. Maybe find something small that gives you purpose and takes your mind off things?

@Coul.C Nothing gives me purpose. I’m disgusting and broken.

@Justmesadly I've lived in a one room apartment by myself for the 12 years or so. I know how hard that can be especially when dealing with OCD/depression. I can't tell you how to feel, but I don't believe you're disgusting. As for brokenness, we're all broken to some extent or another. Some are just better at hiding it. One thing I got into when I was feeling this way was comedians. I didn't necessarily feel like laughing, but even the slightest bit of levity can help. If you have Netflix, Brian Regan is a good choice. He even has a new special out tomorrow. Otherwise, you can find plenty of comedy on You Tube. Maybe comedy isn't your thing. That's okay. It may take awhile to figure out what works for you.

@Ben84 Yes it was so much easier to deal with this before my ex left me. He made it feel less lonely and very comforted.

@Justmesadly To make it feel less lonely, I have a sound machine (you can find apps that do the same thing). I also listen to podcasts. NPR is also good to listen to.

@Ben84 Yea I like podcasts typically but my brain is so loud today that I can’t watch or listen to anything bc I can’t even focus

@Justmesadly Understandable. I recommend putting on your favorite one anyways. It helps to have another human voice, even if it's just in the background.

@Ben84 Thank you, I will try that. I just booked an appointment with a therapist on here for tomorrow night. I hope that I can find even a little joy in life again

@Justmesadly Good to hear! I noticed your username. Remember: you are enough ☺. Feel free to give an update tomorrow night on how it went.

@Ben84 I’m not enough sadly and I will never been enough. Just something I have to learn to deal with if I’m going to keep living ! I will update tomorrow night

@Justmesadly Okay. Take care of yourself ☺.

@Ben84 I’ll try to

You most certainly can ☺. I saw a few posts, but didn't see any addressed to me. Was there one in particular you want me to look at?

@Ben84 I was waiting for you to reply first I’ll go ahead and make it now?