I’ve noticed my OCD is getting worse and worse each day. Even with therapy, ERP skills, and all my other resources. My thoughts are getting darker and darker. Yesterday I realized I have been having negative thoughts about my boyfriends job and that I didn’t want him to work because of my own strange thoughts. He’s a truck driver and It’s not like I don’t want him to be successful and make money. It has nothing to do with that but It’s really weird thoughts about him driving and stuff, (not about his safety or other’s safety. It has nothing to do with other people at all either) it’s weird sort of kinky thoughts that are based out of anger that wouldn’t make sense to anyone. I’ve been having these thoughts forever and I just now realized how weird and wrong they are. The fact that I just realized this makes me feel so guilty. He needs to work and make money and I feel guilty that I don’t want him at this job because of the strange thoughts I get about him driving. And I know all about intrusive thoughts and have them myself which makes me able to identify that these are not intrusive thoughts and that makes me feel even worse. I need help so bad.

Anonymoussssss

Date posted: 4y

The fact that the thoughts are getting darker goes to show that you’re actually beating this shit. I heard it’s normal for thoughts to change and get more complicated when you’re on the road to recovery bc it’s starting to get desperate. Continue to do what you’re doing and don’t bulge.

Caree

Date posted: 4y

I hope! A lot of my thoughts are darker but I am also starting to realize how abnormal my consistent thoughts and feelings are that have always been around. If I ever spoke about them I feel like I’d be locked up and left by my boyfriend. It sucks.

Anonymoussssss

Date posted: 4y

@Caree That’s why it’s very important to have communities such as this one as it can be extremely isolating dealing with this in the real world. We’re all here for you and you’re far from crazy.

Caree

Date posted: 4y

@tiredfx Yes I agree. Thank you so much I appreciate that😌

Hebi

Date posted: 4y

Ok, but it's still OCD, why are you considering it? If the thoughts makes you uncomfortable, sad, angry, etc and are obsessive; why are you considering them? This is only OCD speaking

Caree

Date posted: 4y

That’s true, it’s just so hard to tell when it feels so real and I actually thought them and continued to think them. But I do feel guilty and SO uncomfortable about them to the point where I partially confessed to my boyfriend telling him “I’ve been having bad thoughts about you and work”. I feel so bad for dragging him into my mess and my thoughts. The obsessing/guilt does feel like OCD I just wish I never thought these about him, he doesnt deserve it.

Caree

Date posted: 4y

And it’s like, I never saw a problem with these thoughts even though I knew they were unusual so I feel so guilty that it’s just bothering me now. I also feel guilty that these are not intrusive thoughts but actually my thoughts that I agreed with and still feel like I partially agree with but just can’t help.

Hebi

Date posted: 4y

@Caree You should tell him that it's OCD

Hebi

Date posted: 4y

@Caree If it makes you feel that way, it's only because it's OCD, not you

Caree

Date posted: 4y

@amai fille He knows! He understands that everyone has bad thoughts at some point too. He is very understanding and when he asked what I’m thinking about and said I didn’t want to tell him he was okay with it. I’m lucky for that. But it doesn’t take away this guilt/awful feeling. Thank you so much for commenting and helping me though

Hebi

Date posted: 4y

@Caree The sense of guilt or the awful feeling is always part of OCD, since it can come in many ways, just, a lot of ways

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