im going on a date tonight i havent been on a date in 5 years i dont even really feel sexually attracted to this guy and yes one of my themes is hocd but my main one i guess is pocd or at least my most horrifying one ... ive been working on my pocd with my therapist but my sexuality themes we havent worked on and i feel like dating is a huge trigger because its like if i go on this date and it doesnt go well then im gay or im asexual and like honestly im only going on this date because hes friends with my friend and he apparently been asking for my number and she encouraged me to just go for it mostly because she knows im really insecure about still being a virgin and i think she thinks hes a nice guy hes nonthreatening maybe hes not like the most attractive but maybe a good guy to "practice" with but my mind starts to go down all these rabbit holes about how fucked up that is like he might really like me and im just doing this for practice and it makes me feel guilty and then i start thinking im a bad person and this is why i dont date because honestly these men are better off not dating me im a waste of their time and plus ive been on my own my whole life its very scary for me to idk like i have sexual desires i masterbate i have a vibrator and ive had crushes and sexual fantasies in my life but ive learned to just live in the fanatasy and escape into that when im lonely rather than actually attain anything real like i am someone who is very uncomfortable being sexualized like i mean if someone likes me i dont mind that, especially if i like them too it feels great to be liked but i feel a real disconnect with my body like if a guy is dancing with me and he wants to grind or something like ive always been jealous of my friends that could be free with their body all i think about is how weird i must look trying to copy sexy moves that i dont know how to do and frankly make me feel stupid like i dont mind romance buying flowers opening doors chivalrous things kind gestures but maybe im just an old soul or born in the wrong time but i dont find girating my body or wearing scantily clad things to be empowering and sexy it makes me feel weak and exposed and like im performing as opposed to being really comfortable and then i go well yup that means im asexual if im not comfortable being seen as a sex object and if my friends can do that then why cant i or it means im asexual or gay its just like if a man danced with me and it was a respectful slow dance i dont mind that but i just feel like modern dating and hookup culture and even dancing have these elements of moving too fast and no respect for yourself and the other person or it feels that way to me not that its the case but like im not against people who can like be free with their bodies or think im better than them i wish i could be one of those girls who like wears a mini dress and heels and like draws men in with their confidence and freedom and inhibitions but it feels so forced and fake when i do it that I just dont and this guy im going on the date with hes like the type to date girls who wear things where their thong showing according to who my friend has seen him with in the past which is like good for them but im like he doesnt seem like someone who wants to date someone like me who is more conservatively dressed and like not someone who is quick to hookup but at the same time there is this language barrier so its like we are going on a date i dont think he goes on formal dates often and this is according to my friend i think he mostly just hooksup with women and enjoys that type of easy dynamic and i just keep thinking how awkward the convos will be and im dreading if he asks me about why im single or my past relationships and im afraid of him trying to kiss me tonight and what to do when that happens and im worried after im going to have an ocd spiral really bad anyway i just wanted to vent and to be clear i have nothing against women who show their thongs or whatever or people who like hooking up quickly i just know that type of lifestyle makes me personally uncomfortable and i feel like thats become more of the norm and it makes me feel more pressure when i have gone on dates where im like well this guy is counting down the days until we have sex like if i dont kiss him on the first date and dont have sex on the third im officially difficult and a waste of time so why even go on a date at all and yeah im just in my head a lot

Faye June

Date posted: 4y

Hey there! I just read through all of this, and I can see it’s been an hour while I’m writing this since you posted, so whether any of this is still completely relevant, I’m not sure - but hopefully you’ll be able to use this in the future. There is nothing wrong with valuing modesty, just like there’s nothing wrong with being more promiscuous. I think we went from a society where prudence was the majority norm, and a woman’s ‘worth’ tended to be predicated on it, and as society has progressed, promiscuity and being ‘risqué’ has been largely destigmatised, and a lot of women have gravitated towards it, for a variety of reasons. For a lot of women, that sort of behaviour doesn’t come naturally and doesn’t feel right. When your being fed by the media various depictions of women acting in this way, it can make you question whether you ‘should’ be doing that, or there’s something wrong with you if you don’t - this could not be further from the truth. Anxiety can be a huge libido killer, and with sexually intrusive themes, it can become a painful cycle of: sexual obsession -> anxiety -> low libido -> sexual obsession. I think you may be using this as a compulsion, because if you’re using him as a ‘test’, the OCD brain usually pulls a U-turn and fails the ‘test’ and just reinforces the obsession again, im assuming by causing you to feel as though you’re not remotely attracted to him and ‘this must mean you’re A sexual or gay’, but don’t stress about this, because this also seems to be something you’re afraid of, and my therapist used to say a phrase that I still use now ‘today is a beautiful day to do hard things’. This is challenging for you, but do not let OCD intervene with your life, and your growth. It’s okay to be nervous, this is something you haven’t done in a while, and you seem to be overthinking quite a bit, which is also fine - but recognising that you’re looking too deep into this should help you in trying to maintain a semi-clear mind. Be confident in who you are! I know that’s cheesy, but it’s true. Be the confident girl who doesn’t give herself away too easily, don’t feel as though you’re letting him down because you won’t have sex with him immediately - that’s bullshit. If you don’t feel comfortable yet, then you don’t. That is usually intriguing to men, and if it isn’t, then he probably didn’t value you enough in the first place and so what’s its worth! Don’t become too preoccupied about whether this makes you a ‘bad person’, who gives a fuck? Sorry for being crass, but at the end of the day, as long as you’re kind to him, let yourself decide how much you’re into him - you’re a human, and you have one life, do what you need to do, LOL. He wanted to see you, you’re fulfilling that request, other than that do whatever the fuck you want. You can do this, and you are stronger than you know. Once that date is over and whatever happens, happens, remind yourself of your strength. Be proud of how hard you’re trying. Not every woman is gonna be the same, own your individuality, don’t hide it away and be ashamed of it. I know that’s cheesy and overused, but I just wish you would realise this. Dates are nerve-wracking. This, on top of OCD is pretty unimaginable, so know you’re a strong person for dealing with this right now. I’m sending you the best of luck, and I know you are gonna come out the other end intact and hopefully feeling accomplished. Sending you my love, I’d love to hear what happens, come back to here if you don’t forget!!!

Anonymously

Date posted: 4y

hey so sorry to over fill you in but here is an update i guess the date went okay i definitely came home with anxiety my heart beating fast and had to get under my weighted blanket and watch comforting videos lol but yeah my thoughts were racing afterwards it was dinner and then he wanted to get drinks after everywhere closed early it was 945 so we only could get one drink and he asked if i wanted to get wine at his place watch a movie i said i didnt know id have to think about it and he asked again later and he said i promise just movie just one glass of wine nothing else i promise i do nothing else and it seemed like he was saying that as if my friend had told him like i dont do anything on a first date because before he even asked a question implying he knew id never had a relationship before he was like so you never have a relationship? i managed to dodge it somehow because of our language barrier but yeah i feel dumb that i went to his place but i was bored and it was nice to get attention of some sorts i guess so i was like fine im not doing anything else and he doesnt seem like hes gonna try anything and im not like scared of him so i went but i just think we are too different like incompatible hes a very high maintenance man or i dont know what to call it but he monologued for like an hour at dinner about his work and his vision for the future and how he is king so his woman is queen and talked about his exes a lot and how his exes didnt cut it because they didnt push him and he wants a woman to push him and make him better and to have a vision and my friend told him it had been my birthday over the weekend so he bought me a gift and i thought that was sweet and it was perfume and so i tried it on but later i find out hes like obsessed with perfume and telling me his woman has to wear perfume all the time i want to be able to smell you from across the room and idk like hes actually a nice guy i do believe that but hes a type of guy who wants to buy outfits for his gf and perfumes and he thinks im a "country girl" because i dont like any of those things which is funny i just went along with it even though im from the suburbs but yeah he talked about wanting kids at 30 how hes serious and only commits to his women last relationship was 4 years and because of language barrier i guess we couldnt do small talk so it was like life mantra talk and goals and family and kids and too serious and he was talking of me going to miami with him it was just a lot and i think hes certain we are going on a second date but i dont know if i want to do that just because i think he thinks because i move slow and am shy that i want a relationship from him immediately and thats part of why he went on the date with me like oh she moves slow shes shy and nice and hes looking for like a literal girlfriend from this already talking about futures and its too overwhelming for me and he barely asked me about myself unless it was about having kids or what countries ive been to and if my parents are married still i feel like 5 questions were asked of me in 5 hours and the rest was either the movie or him explaining himself to me he was also rude to the waiters which i think was a cultural thing like i dont think its rude where hes from but here it comes off rude kind of snappy and when i was sitting on his sofa and he wanted to sit closer i guess my body language was closed off and he kind of made fun of it or was like why do you sit like this and i was like what?! he was like no its good but be comfortable like you dont need to be closed off be comfortable in my home and he did try to kiss me 3 times but i dodged them... well they ended up being cheek kisses so yeah that was my evening and then came home and had a lot of anxiety but during the date i kind of just let him take the lead because i didnt want to have to talk too much about myself because of my anxiety but at the same time it wasnt attractive that he talked about himself so much even though it took the pressure off of me so yeah idk im now googling how to say no to a second date but im also like god this guy thinks im a sure thing (and not in terms of sex but in terms of like we are together or something already) and i think it will honestly blindside him if i say no to a second date i think going back to his place maybe led him on and i feel guilty about that so yeah but i made it through in one piece and conquered a fear i guess

Faye June

Date posted: 4y

@Anonymously Thank you so much for getting back to me! I would’ve been very curious otherwise. I’m proud of you for going through with it, and pushing your comfort zones and going to his house. I’ll be honest - you’re not really selling him to me, haha! It was kind of him to buy you the perfume, but then you linked it to him just liking women who wear certain perfumes, which definitely gives the gift a selfish vibe - but I guess it was thoughtful of him. Happy belated birthday btw! What you’re describing to me seems to be a textbook unsuccessful date. He really can’t stop talking, haha. And even if it took the weight off of you like you say, there’s still something wrong about someone talking at that length on a first date. And don’t even get me started on WHAT he was talking about. This must have been so awkward. I hate that some people think it’s NOT excessive to talk about long-term life plans that involve the person they’re on a FIRST date with, no. That’s just... no. Don’t feel guilty for going back to his place, you were just appeasing him and I’m sure you would’ve felt rude in denying his offer to go back to his place. From what your telling me, this seems like it was a miss - so if I was you, I’d find a way to shmooze my way out of it, lol. I think he was respectful, which is good, but this definitely doesn’t sound like sparks were flying. Don’t waste your time on someone that you’re not invested in, move ahead and better people will come who appreciate your shyness in a way that isn’t misinterpretating it. He seems to have took your shyness as an indication that you’re into him, but in reality, you’re just a naturally shy person and it doesn’t really say anything about him. And also, if your friend had been discussing you to him, I’m sure it wasn’t in a disrespectful or presumptuous way, although it may feel like it - she was probably just looking out for you and didn’t wanna throw you in at the deep end! There are plenty more people out there for you. I think what you can take from this is that you didn’t let your OCD overcome you, you stepped out of your comfort zone. You still got the anxiety, but that was inevitable, you didn’t let it intervene. Sounds like it didn’t go swimmingly, as I’ve said, but still - you did it and I’m PROUD OF YOU.

Anonymously

Date posted: 4y

@Bella thanks for all your helpful advice you really have been a great person to chat to during all this and yes i agree i think my friend was just looking out for me but yeah youre right just textbook bad date i will say there were nice parts i definitely only mentioned the bad parts but there were aspects of it that felt nice but over all i just think very incompatable and thats okay no need to geel guilty and thanks for all your support i guess i feel proud too and yeah whats funny is i guess im shy on dates and when i first meet people but none of my friends would describe me as a shy person i love talking telling stories and laughing so i guess thats what bothered me too is he was calling me sweet nice girl cute sweet country girl and at one point i told him you dont really know me i guess out of annoyance because yeah he never tried to get to know me and i havent been very vulnerable and fully myself on the date not that there were many chances anyway i know i shouldnt ruminate on this date all day ive already kind of done that lol my mind started going well you rejected 3 kisses you were scared because youre asexual or gay and im just trying to be like maybe maybe not and not let that date be this test ive actually been pretty calm since last night and able to be like wow i had so much anxiety and lost all that sleep about this thing that wasnt that hard why do i do this to myself? anyway wishing you the best and thankful for your support 💕🙏

Anonymously

Date posted: 4y

wow thanks so much for all that feedback and encouragement your comments are very helpful and helping me calm down a bit i didnt sleep at all last night because of my racing thoughts and so i already know im emotionally exhausted before doing this but im trying to relax and go easy on myself and be proud of myself for doing something i normally avoid... lol i like how you put it that he wanted to see me and im fulfilling the request other than that do whatever the fuck i want ... im going to remind myself of that tonight thanks again and hopefully be posting later that it went well

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