I have had this app for a while now and have never felt like posting so hopefully airing out my mind will help me.. I have dealt with pure ocd for so many years now, everything from sexual to violent intrusive thoughts pretty much every thought/obsession you could imagine having and it has found a way to disrupt everything in my life that should be beautiful, it has it has weaved its way into area’s that disturb the peace so much so I feel like I don’t want to part take In enjoyable activities such as intimacy in fear that these thoughts will arise during those moments, for the record I for the most part have had a really good sex life in the past but a real issue I am having right now is losing arousal due to what is happening in my head, It is very confusing for me to even explain, and there are many many different variables of how this can play out... this has happened to me in the past with my ex girlfriend who I thought was a very attractive girl and had no issues with in the beginning but later in the relationship I would literally have these intrusive thoughts saying she was ugly or that she looked like a man or just other really nasty things that could come in all forms that I felt terrible about while having sex (this is one of many different obsessions that have affected me in this area), I would have this rush of anxiety and lose any arousal I had and couldn’t continue with sex or struggle to perform.. now she knew about my ocd so I could tell her exactly the thoughts I was having though be it a struggle..but it was like a weight off the shoulders when I did but very upsetting for the both of us but I would calm down and be okay again for a while at least... So ever since we had broken up which also had a devastating effect on my mental health I really hadn’t gone to great lengths to be intimate with many people because of all the issues and the stress of having to tell a new partner can be overwhelming.. so a couple of weeks ago I met up with maybe one of the most beautiful girls I’ve ever had a shot with, so we ended up in the bedroom and It all just kicked in, automatically I was making up in my head flaws that she did not have, like tiny hairs on her upper lip were just blown out of context and all I could think about was that she had a moustache and that’s all I could hear, it was like my mind wanted me to think she wasn’t good looking or looked like something she didn’t when in reality she was gorgeous, this is really making me lose sight of what beauty is? I feel like I’m having trouble seeing beauty in anything.. it’s just grey now..I used to be able to just appreciate the way women looked and never be afflicted by this shit. this is seriously one of the most debilitating things and it makes absolutely no sense I could literally be with a super model and have this happen and as a result I am so overwhelmed by anxiety and guilt, that I couldn’t have sex.. try explaining that to an insanely good looking girl, I should have been the exact opposite of what I was it was fucking awful because I’m quite literally making up insulting things about the person without them knowing. Not to mention the effect it’s having on me FOR NO REASON! Ruining any real chance for to finally be happy, it’s so hard when there is no real authentic belief in these thoughts the fact that they come in to sabotage the moment and so frequently.. and the adverse effect it has on me physiologically me think there really must be some sort of truth...I am so depressed, have I dug myself so deep in this that I have created pathways for it to completely attack no matter who I am with.. I don’t know anymore I have no drive to meet any girls now because I’m terrified this will happen again. What do I do?