TRIGGER WARNING: COMPULSIONS, FAMILY ISSUES, DEATH (DEATH OF DOG AND FAMILY), FLASHBACKS, ETC. hi friends. i’ve been having a very rough time recently went i need to rant to someone other than my tik tok account lol. i struggle with severe older brother issues. my brother died when i was 2 in a car crash, so i never really had a brother. i had a cousin who was a brother figure, but he’s not around anyone kn the family anymore. i had a dog who was like my brother for nine years as mine wasn’t there, and he died, too. it was christmas night and he was having seizures. he couldn’t breathe. then i had a guy friend who was like an older brother, who left and stopped talking to me. this has formed severe older brother issues for me. i become attached to any man older than me, and start seeing them as my older brother. because of what has happened in the past, i cling on and become protective of them, knowing they are gonna leave eventually, which ultimately scares them away as i over share. this has happened too many times. and last night i was having a really hard time. i was missing my real brother, which led to me thinking about my dog and other people. i was really not okay last night. this triggered so many compulsions in me and it was so uncomfortable. it was probably almost the worst it had ever been. just thinking about it wants to trigger me. i hated it. i felt so weak. i tried to write a letter to my future self to help, but it didn’t really do much. only made me worry about my future. i finally went to bed around 5:45 am. this morning, around 9:30ish, i heard someone screaming. i thought it was just my dream, or a compulsion in my mind saying “go check on something” so i tried to block it out. suddenly the thought of it being a compulsion turned into a serious compulsion/thought, a deeper one that i’ve never had. so i got up, got my phone, and ran to the backyard to see. there, my mom layed on the ground with my dog, hysterical. my dog got a ball stuck in his throat. he couldn’t breathe. he almost died. my mom had just saved his life. when i got out there he was still traumatized, and the look on his face looked like the look on my dogs face when he died. this triggered too many compulsions and flashbacks and now i just feel numb. it was so scary. it is too ironic that last night i was so hurt because brother figures keep leaving me and i almost lost one of my brother figures today. i don’t know if that feeling was a compulsion, or a gut feeling, as they all feel the same. it’s been a really strange past 12 hours. thank you for letting me rant.