I can’t tell you guys how much this app has helped me control my anxiety and keep my OCD in check. I used to use Twitter as a venting tool but I found that people would just ignore me or ask me if I’m all right ‘cause “there always seems to be something wrong” or “one day you’re fine the next day you’re not.” It hurt. Getting asked so many times if I’m alright triggered my OCD into thinking that I wasn’t and felt the need to have something wrong. Also didn’t help that I felt like his ex was looking through my Twitter and laughing at me. The one time she did engage with me, the only time she felt bold enough to tell me how much of my man she made, she told me how depressing I was. Looking back I think maybe that’s why I was so upset and now about my actual boyfriend. All the remarks she made about him were just petty and could have been unsaid, I did feel bad for him though, but mine was uncalled for because she doesn’t even know me. She’ll never know me. Yet, for a whole year I feared her. I feared the woman he first loved and I felt so jealous of her and would have given anything to have been there first for him instead of him. I think I just wanted to feel important. When I talk to him about love, he is a romantic but I feel like part of him died when that relationship ended. He became painfully aware of how unhealthy it is to give your all to someone because it could end up like that so he’s not as devoted or rather doesn’t want to give himself up the way he did. I can see that even though he tells me all those wonderful things. That’s okay, ‘cause I learned that he’s partially right. I used to want this completely devoted and once in a lifetime love. Like the Princesses in the Disney movies. A fairy tale with someone built from the fragments of my imagination and molded from my deepest desires. I wanted to have a relationship in which we fell hard for one another and took care of each other. I don’t think I had a realistic idea of love and I always have the habit of putting myself last. I hope he heals from what he went through. I hope we grows out of that feeling and learns that there is such a beautiful world out there and he moves through the past with a stronger heart. It’s hard to leave someone you love so I can’t blame him for not healing faster but I’m not gonna wait for him for too long if he is indecisive. I have things to grow from too. I promise to love him, cherish him but I’m coming first now on. And for his ex, I’m not gonna ask for her permission to be happy with him through my compulsions of checking her social media to make sure she’s either busy with someone else or hasn’t mentioned either of us. Girl was wrong for coming into my messages with that bullshit but I forgive her and I hope that she moves on from this just as much as me and finds something that does give her happiness. I’m not cruel. It’s not in my nature to wish something bad on anyone. So that’s why it felt weird to resent her because my OCD wanted me to fear her. I don’t fear her, she was just someone I thought I needed to be for this relationship to work but I’m good. She’s not an example I want to follow and it’s always a good idea to be yourself anyway. For the past year I self inserted myself into his past and although I don’t expect change from him (I’m not going to worry about what’s she’s doing) I will expect a huge leap for myself. My feelings are valid. From the start I knew he was hung up on her still, I don’t blame him for it but he crossed the line by mentioning how much his mom loved her and how he told his family he was just going out with friends when he went to our first date. I had a reason to look to her to see what he liked but no reason good enough to stay. I just had low self esteem because I felt like I needed to carry this relationship. I’m letting go now. What may or may not happen is not up to me but what is is making sure I put my best foot forward and choose what’s right for me. I won’t let this make me petty. I won’t let this ruin my chances of it working out like we dream it will. But I need to separate my healing from his own and stop looking for her for permission of my own happiness with him. I’m not the plot of her revenge story, he’s not the savior of mine. I’m who I want to be and what I want to do is up to me. No one plays a part in my internal happiness, and no one plays the monster in my life. Not even OCD.