- Date posted
- 4y
- Date posted
- 4y
Hello! Perhaps you could explain your reasoning to him. We tend to have spontaneous reactions to things that worry us (such as a fear of being emotionally dependent) because we do not want to hurt others or ourselves. These "cruel" reactions are usually formed out of years of trial and error and fearing possible repercussions later on from our actions. In a way, it is a compulsion because you are avoiding a possible what if scenario. However, you risk damaging an otherwise healthy relationship or friendship out of fear. A better way to approach it is through healthy communication. Can you discuss these topics with him? Can you sit him down and go over your fears? Can you set boundaries? Don't go down the rabbit hole of closing connections off out of uncomfortable possibilities that aren't true yet. And besides, if you do feel like you have used him as emotional dependence, he has a right to want to understand why you've cut off contact. Always be transparent, up front and respectful, and you will see incredible results and better relationships with others. Communication is key!!!
- Date posted
- 4y
Going as far as blocking him isn't necessary and quite destructive. Assign hours in the day where it's just you time where u don't initiate messaging or respond.
- Date posted
- 4y
I'm in a similar position but with my ex gf we taking it super slow, but at times when I'm with her I feel grounded and the intrusive so-ocd thoughts don't even pop up and if they do I can dismiss them with a little bit more ease as just thoughts. Im deciding to not let ocd push someone I care about away.
- Date posted
- 4y
The part where u say "cut off my expectations of him giving me happiness" is also cutting out /him/ getting happiness from /you/. Just so you know you're not the only one this effects. Boundaries are important, you having your own life and hobbies and career and friends is important, a good relationship/life balance so you're not consumed if theres one fight during your day with your s.o, is important. Creating drastic ups and downs because you don't want to talk bout your wants/needs and find healthy ways to get them, doesn't help you, him or the relationship. Seek a therapist they can really help. There could be so many factors as to why you're feeling this way and what's making you push away love. Better to be passive and calm until you figure shit out than make impulsive decisions that can entirely back fire and end up giving you the opposite of what you want .
- Date posted
- 4y
If you have to block him then you probably shouldn’t be dating
- Date posted
- 4y
wdym?
- Date posted
- 4y
@L🌵 You’re dating someone that you’re blocking?! That’s toxic and not a healthy relationship. I’d leave someone so fast if they blocked me
- Date posted
- 4y
@Justmesadly To need space is not toxic it's self care just have to communicate it, and relationships have ups and down. If you ready to leave someone after they blocked you without hearing them out first because they hurt your ego, then maybe you not ready to be in a real relationship.
- Date posted
- 4y
@Justmesadly just for context me and my boyfriend are incredibly close to each other, and he knows every depth of what i been through with my ocd. id understand your sentiment if it was a fresh and new relationship. i understand what i did is a mistake but to label my whole relationship as toxic because of a single action, i think, is to misspeak.
- Date posted
- 4y
@L🌵 I didn’t label your relationship at all. I don’t know you so I don’t care what your relationship is like. And @mwill, I’m already in a real relationship lol. Exactly my point. I know for sure adults don’t block people because they are struggling? Needing space is much different than blocking someone. You have to have self care aka therapy, taking care of yourself etc is essential for a relationship.
- Date posted
- 4y
@Justmesadly you literally said it was toxic... but whatever, im really not trying to start an unnecessary arguement. im barely an adult anyways because im 19, so i admittedly have a bit of maturing to do. i did unblock him and apologize, because i realize the negatives outweigh any benefits of that with the help of you guys. plus.. im quite mentally ill so i naturally sometimes act without rationale.
- Date posted
- 4y
@L🌵 Great, I’m glad you unblocked him! It’s okay we take years to mature and understand things! Especially when our minds are trying to hold us back 💕
- Date posted
- 4y
@Justmesadly thank you♥️✨
- Date posted
- 4y
you guys are so right. ugh i hate when my brain makes me act impulsively and i cant rationally think out things. thank you
Related posts
- Date posted
- 22w
This is probably not OCD but I have made a post about this guy. So long story short, last week I texted him asking how his day went with his mom and all that. So he then texts me “how was your day” and I said good and I said “yours” and he said “tough” “I’m going to bed ttyl “ I asked what happened and what’s wrong and never get a response. Next day at work he’s not talking to me so I thought to myself to just wait and give him space. Hours later I eventually ask him at work if he was okay and he said he’ll talk to me after work. Never does. Still never talks to me. The next day is Sunday and he still never texts me so I continue getting ready for church and ended up staying hom and telling him “I’m staying home this Sunday” “I’m proud of you for getting baptized” still no answer until finally Monday night or Tuesday morning he responds with “THX” I come in to work today and my cousin (manager) says he asked her if (the other manager) was going to church tomorrow she tells him “she said no” and then my cousin says “did you ask Bree?” (That’s my name) and he says “I really don’t want to talk to her right now”) he asks my cousin will she go to church with him. I keep overthinking “what in the world did I do” I’m trying to figure out what happened. I feel crazy for wondering what happened for him to all of sudden do this. I just like him as a friend but now I’m starting to dislike him period and have permanently deleted our messages and blocked him today. I took my time and thought hard before blocking and deleting. Maybe he’ll talk to me maybe not but we’re adults and I’m trying to figure out what i did because I’m really confused
- Date posted
- 17w
Hey everyone. I hope you all are doing okay. I’m currently struggling in the worse way I have through the course of my relationship. We are doing long distance right now, and I am unfortunately in the worse place I have been in. The uncertainty is absolutely unbearable. He is doing a cool new, consuming job 7 hours a way. He loves it, but I fear him loving the job so much that he stops caring about me. I have definitely noticed a shift in the amount of time he texts me and the energy he can give to the relationship. The job actually started off with 2 weeks of no phone. He has it again now though. We saw each other a couple of days ago in person for the last time we would in about two months. I was okayish when we were in person though I knew I would spiral later. And spiral I did. He left and I broke down. I am worried I will lose him. I start a really intensive EMT program in a week. It will be all-consuming for me. I can’t sleep very much and I don’t feel like eating. I know it’s pathetic. I am constantly consumed by these fears. I think I know what I need to do to combat them. Accept uncertainty but it feels like the possibly of it ending feels more real than ever. And I literally can NOT stop thinking about it. My brain feels in danger!!! I just worry that bad stuff is actually happening. I think we are going through a rough patch, but I also just feel more alone than ever. Drowning in my mind. What do I believe? I have a past of ocd, so it wouldn’t be surprised if it’s getting intertwined. Most people would say: it’s okay to ask him for reassurance about the relationship!!! But I feel like that’s the trap for me. I don’t know how to move forward. I know things are tough for us right now. But I’ve been floating back and forth on a spectrum of well maybe I just have trust to maybe this literally won’t work out!!! Texting and communicating over text is really hard for me. I am constantly analyzing it: how much energy is he giving? How much energy am I giving? Well I don’t want to do all the emotional labor, and be the main texter. But I also don’t care about texting that much and get exhausted with this back and forth.
- Date posted
- 16w
My all-consuming compulsion is to coddle someone who shows opposition to my boundaries. My boyfriend and I love each other dearly. In fact, he's going to propose soon. But we're working through some really difficult things. When conversations get difficult for him, or he feels the slightest bit of guilt, he totally freezes. He can't talk or make eye contact for awhile. I've been incredibly compassionate about his coping mechanism and his needs (he grew up in an emotionally abusive household), but at the same time, I have needs that must be met, too. The conversations in which he freezes up are ALWAYS ones in which I'm expressing discomfort/hurt about something. What I NEED is to feel validated, to have the space to feel hurt/uncomfortable WITHOUT judgement. Because I am super attentive to him and always ALWAYS validate his hurt, even if it affects me personally. But whether it's big or small, he KEEPS getting really hurt and affected by the things I bring up. His mom is not nice to me, she hasn't been since we met. He's not responsible for her actions, but he IS responsible for defending me when his mom is being super judgemental and rejected me outright, multiple times, even though she didn't even know who I was. I just automatically wasn't good enough. I should be able to trust my boyfriend with valid concerns of mine/expect him to apologize when he's caused discomfort, and he unintentionally invalidates me by guilt-tripping me like crazy. And I've talked to him about this stuff, which is SO HARD. I explain what is and isn't helpful. I brought up therapy, because I can't make him go, but he says he's been trying to ease off his coping response for years to no avail. For this and many other reasons I think he needs professional help (I'm seeing a therapist myself. We both got chronic mental illness that needs addressing somehow). I explained my feelings, I explained what I need. He's starting to try harder to give my emotions space, and say things that validate me. I appreciate it cuz I know the freezing response is something he's trying to fight. It's SO HARD for me not to fawn. My OCD is screaming at me, telling me that I HAVE TO accommodate my boyfriend's feelings, oh I must have hurt him SO BAD, oh imagine how horrible things will be if I DON'T give him reassurance!! But this isn't about him. These conversations with him start because a boundary of MINE has been crossed!! Even if he has a whiny reaction, or has a freezing response that stems from trauma. It STILL causes me too much emotional distress and places blame on me in an unfair way. For example (this is a BRIEF explanation), I've made it clear that I don't want dogs. I've never even had dogs and he knows this. And my boyfriend got really pouty after I reiterated this once, because he thought his dog back home would come live with us after we got married. Mind you, he's NEVER brought this up with me before. I had no idea he wanted his dog to move in with us. The dog has only ever lived at his parents' house. His parents assumed I'd be fine taking on the responsibility of an OLD, SMELLY DOG!!! WITHOUT EVEN ASKING ME!!! And when I explained my frustration about this assumption to my boyfriend while ALSO sweetly acknowledging how SPECIAL his dog is to him, he broke down and shut down!! It's SO FRUSTRATING when he does that, it's so stressful, it's SUCH a burden on me when my boyfriend doesn't have the capacity to validate my feelings the way I do his! Holding back and not compulsively fawning is SO HARD!!!! But I gotta stand firm---it's NOT fair that I have to edit my true feelings because he's not equipped to be more emotionally present for me.
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