- Date posted
- 4y
- Date posted
- 4y
Hello! Perhaps you could explain your reasoning to him. We tend to have spontaneous reactions to things that worry us (such as a fear of being emotionally dependent) because we do not want to hurt others or ourselves. These "cruel" reactions are usually formed out of years of trial and error and fearing possible repercussions later on from our actions. In a way, it is a compulsion because you are avoiding a possible what if scenario. However, you risk damaging an otherwise healthy relationship or friendship out of fear. A better way to approach it is through healthy communication. Can you discuss these topics with him? Can you sit him down and go over your fears? Can you set boundaries? Don't go down the rabbit hole of closing connections off out of uncomfortable possibilities that aren't true yet. And besides, if you do feel like you have used him as emotional dependence, he has a right to want to understand why you've cut off contact. Always be transparent, up front and respectful, and you will see incredible results and better relationships with others. Communication is key!!!
- Date posted
- 4y
Going as far as blocking him isn't necessary and quite destructive. Assign hours in the day where it's just you time where u don't initiate messaging or respond.
- Date posted
- 4y
I'm in a similar position but with my ex gf we taking it super slow, but at times when I'm with her I feel grounded and the intrusive so-ocd thoughts don't even pop up and if they do I can dismiss them with a little bit more ease as just thoughts. Im deciding to not let ocd push someone I care about away.
- Date posted
- 4y
The part where u say "cut off my expectations of him giving me happiness" is also cutting out /him/ getting happiness from /you/. Just so you know you're not the only one this effects. Boundaries are important, you having your own life and hobbies and career and friends is important, a good relationship/life balance so you're not consumed if theres one fight during your day with your s.o, is important. Creating drastic ups and downs because you don't want to talk bout your wants/needs and find healthy ways to get them, doesn't help you, him or the relationship. Seek a therapist they can really help. There could be so many factors as to why you're feeling this way and what's making you push away love. Better to be passive and calm until you figure shit out than make impulsive decisions that can entirely back fire and end up giving you the opposite of what you want .
- Date posted
- 4y
If you have to block him then you probably shouldnāt be dating
- Date posted
- 4y
wdym?
- Date posted
- 4y
@Lšµ Youāre dating someone that youāre blocking?! Thatās toxic and not a healthy relationship. Iād leave someone so fast if they blocked me
- Date posted
- 4y
@Justmesadly To need space is not toxic it's self care just have to communicate it, and relationships have ups and down. If you ready to leave someone after they blocked you without hearing them out first because they hurt your ego, then maybe you not ready to be in a real relationship.
- Date posted
- 4y
@Justmesadly just for context me and my boyfriend are incredibly close to each other, and he knows every depth of what i been through with my ocd. id understand your sentiment if it was a fresh and new relationship. i understand what i did is a mistake but to label my whole relationship as toxic because of a single action, i think, is to misspeak.
- Date posted
- 4y
@Lšµ I didnāt label your relationship at all. I donāt know you so I donāt care what your relationship is like. And @mwill, Iām already in a real relationship lol. Exactly my point. I know for sure adults donāt block people because they are struggling? Needing space is much different than blocking someone. You have to have self care aka therapy, taking care of yourself etc is essential for a relationship.
- Date posted
- 4y
@Justmesadly you literally said it was toxic... but whatever, im really not trying to start an unnecessary arguement. im barely an adult anyways because im 19, so i admittedly have a bit of maturing to do. i did unblock him and apologize, because i realize the negatives outweigh any benefits of that with the help of you guys. plus.. im quite mentally ill so i naturally sometimes act without rationale.
- Date posted
- 4y
@Lšµ Great, Iām glad you unblocked him! Itās okay we take years to mature and understand things! Especially when our minds are trying to hold us back š
- Date posted
- 4y
@Justmesadly thank youā„ļøāØ
- Date posted
- 4y
you guys are so right. ugh i hate when my brain makes me act impulsively and i cant rationally think out things. thank you
Related posts
- Date posted
- 22w
Iām a 19 year old girl and I have relationship ocd. My bf (20) and I are in college and around 2 days ago he asked for a break via text and then we called after on the phone which was the last time we spoke. Weāve been doing medium/long distance (1-2hrs away from eachother). Iām his first serious relationship and girl heās ever loved. Heās my first healthy relationship and he felt like home to me. We both date to marry and everything with him felt so finalized, as silly as it sounds. Due to life being life we havenāt been able to see eachother the past three ish weeks. During that time he became different, wasnāt as loving as he used to be, and I had to continuously ask him to call me and he only did once or twice for about 15 minutes. Heās incredibly busy and in a agricultural frat. Unfortunately, he seeks a lot of validation from his frat brothers. Itās funny too, because I absolutely hate frats since I feel like often, of course not always, but often, all frats are about partying and hookup culture. Thatās ok, itās just not my thing as that to me isnāt what I value. With my bf though, I still loved him anyway. My bf was different from the stereotypical frat guy douche. You truly would not guess that him of all people is in one. He has incredibly redeeming qualities - heās so kind, always tries to do the right thing, is so gentle, hardworking, encouraging, sensitive and sometimes emotionally intelligent lol. Due to this he gets treated differently in the house and the brothers disrespected him constantly. He would literally cry about it in my arms or in his car multiple times. When he was in my arms I was tearing up because it hurt me to see him like that. It broke my heart, but he was always too afraid to speak up for himself. I got pissed so many times and said I will say something for him - Iād do literally anything for him to make him happy. It became very obvious to me that heās seeking so much male validation to fit in even though he comes from a great family with two married parents, with his dad being an absolutely amazing person and two older brothers. Hes said so many times that he doesnāt belong at the frat and I agreed and would tell him itās because he was too good for them. I think heās changed now though, and he honestly wants to fully submerge himself into this frat. Heās also taking max credit classes and has a job. Iāve been working to transfer over to the school he is at and as of late Iāve been doing community college, doing therapy with NOCD, going to the gym, and finally getting a car and being able to drive. I find myself that in relationships I let the other persons mood define mine, and I minimize my needs to make them happier. I wish I wasnāt like this and that I was a normal person. I care so deeply about him and want the best for him and I. I think he saw that flaw in me and with the combined stress of us being busy and not seeing eachother, thought it was time for a break. We called after he sent the text and I sobbed and acted a fool on the phone and I was absolutley pissed st first but only because I care. That was our first phone call in a while. He was crying and sobbing and calling me baby and the last thing we said to eachother was I love you, with him initiating that. Not too long after he was quick to take a lot of our posts down and stop sharing his location. So I did the same, and then just deleted all of my social media. I donāt know if he unadded me on anything, I donāt want to know and I donāt want to see his posts. I donāt think he has any idea as to what heās doing. Iāll never forget when I was his date to one of his frat formals and I spoke to an alumni for a long time. He said to my bf waiting for me while I was in the bathroom āyou got a good girl, take care of herā. My bf told me after that happened, because it was sweet, but I donāt think he honestly knew what that man really meant. Because I think if my bf did understand; I wouldnāt have to practically beg him to acknowledge me with a āmaybe we could callā text for weeks, he wouldāve directly thanked my mom for all the gifts I bought him using her money, he wouldāve actually looked my mom in the eyes when heās talking to her, he wouldāve made sure that with intimacy my needs were also satisfied - not just his, he wouldnāt have told me what makeup style I should wear and what celebrities/traits he finds attractive in other girls even though Iāve voiced Iām uncomfortable with it, he wouldāve shown more interest in my hobbies and likes the way I did his, and lastly, he wouldāve been more courteous about my feelings and put his ego aside. I mean Iād literally watch hour long videos about fucking warhammer even though I thought it was boring. I sent him an educational video about OCD that I donāt think he ever took the time to watch. Which hurts, because he knows itās something about me that I discovered during our relationship. Meanwhile, while I have stuff to work on like every person ever, I understand that I donāt need to fit into a group to feel complete. Iāve been authentically myself, flawed and all. Iām not afraid to show my problems to people. I donāt think Iām better than him because Iām like this, but I think thatās where weāre at right now. He hurt me so much and if/when he decides to come back is when I let him. I want him to regret this and for us to work out, but only if thereās change. He said we should work on ourselves and I agree. Iām slowly feeling better, but this took so many people by surprise especially his brothers gf who I was incredibly close to. She also has OCD funnily enough, and weāve privately bonded over our bfs just not understanding OCD or going to each other for relationship/self care advice. I donāt know what to do, he was home to me. I love him, but I donāt love his actions and I deserve more. I hope he realizes what heās missing out on, regrets it, and truly understands my value.
- Date posted
- 13w
Hey everyone. I hope you all are doing okay. Iām currently struggling in the worse way I have through the course of my relationship. We are doing long distance right now, and I am unfortunately in the worse place I have been in. The uncertainty is absolutely unbearable. He is doing a cool new, consuming job 7 hours a way. He loves it, but I fear him loving the job so much that he stops caring about me. I have definitely noticed a shift in the amount of time he texts me and the energy he can give to the relationship. The job actually started off with 2 weeks of no phone. He has it again now though. We saw each other a couple of days ago in person for the last time we would in about two months. I was okayish when we were in person though I knew I would spiral later. And spiral I did. He left and I broke down. I am worried I will lose him. I start a really intensive EMT program in a week. It will be all-consuming for me. I canāt sleep very much and I donāt feel like eating. I know itās pathetic. I am constantly consumed by these fears. I think I know what I need to do to combat them. Accept uncertainty but it feels like the possibly of it ending feels more real than ever. And I literally can NOT stop thinking about it. My brain feels in danger!!! I just worry that bad stuff is actually happening. I think we are going through a rough patch, but I also just feel more alone than ever. Drowning in my mind. What do I believe? I have a past of ocd, so it wouldnāt be surprised if itās getting intertwined. Most people would say: itās okay to ask him for reassurance about the relationship!!! But I feel like thatās the trap for me. I donāt know how to move forward. I know things are tough for us right now. But Iāve been floating back and forth on a spectrum of well maybe I just have trust to maybe this literally wonāt work out!!! Texting and communicating over text is really hard for me. I am constantly analyzing it: how much energy is he giving? How much energy am I giving? Well I donāt want to do all the emotional labor, and be the main texter. But I also donāt care about texting that much and get exhausted with this back and forth.
- Date posted
- 12w
My all-consuming compulsion is to coddle someone who shows opposition to my boundaries. My boyfriend and I love each other dearly. In fact, he's going to propose soon. But we're working through some really difficult things. When conversations get difficult for him, or he feels the slightest bit of guilt, he totally freezes. He can't talk or make eye contact for awhile. I've been incredibly compassionate about his coping mechanism and his needs (he grew up in an emotionally abusive household), but at the same time, I have needs that must be met, too. The conversations in which he freezes up are ALWAYS ones in which I'm expressing discomfort/hurt about something. What I NEED is to feel validated, to have the space to feel hurt/uncomfortable WITHOUT judgement. Because I am super attentive to him and always ALWAYS validate his hurt, even if it affects me personally. But whether it's big or small, he KEEPS getting really hurt and affected by the things I bring up. His mom is not nice to me, she hasn't been since we met. He's not responsible for her actions, but he IS responsible for defending me when his mom is being super judgemental and rejected me outright, multiple times, even though she didn't even know who I was. I just automatically wasn't good enough. I should be able to trust my boyfriend with valid concerns of mine/expect him to apologize when he's caused discomfort, and he unintentionally invalidates me by guilt-tripping me like crazy. And I've talked to him about this stuff, which is SO HARD. I explain what is and isn't helpful. I brought up therapy, because I can't make him go, but he says he's been trying to ease off his coping response for years to no avail. For this and many other reasons I think he needs professional help (I'm seeing a therapist myself. We both got chronic mental illness that needs addressing somehow). I explained my feelings, I explained what I need. He's starting to try harder to give my emotions space, and say things that validate me. I appreciate it cuz I know the freezing response is something he's trying to fight. It's SO HARD for me not to fawn. My OCD is screaming at me, telling me that I HAVE TO accommodate my boyfriend's feelings, oh I must have hurt him SO BAD, oh imagine how horrible things will be if I DON'T give him reassurance!! But this isn't about him. These conversations with him start because a boundary of MINE has been crossed!! Even if he has a whiny reaction, or has a freezing response that stems from trauma. It STILL causes me too much emotional distress and places blame on me in an unfair way. For example (this is a BRIEF explanation), I've made it clear that I don't want dogs. I've never even had dogs and he knows this. And my boyfriend got really pouty after I reiterated this once, because he thought his dog back home would come live with us after we got married. Mind you, he's NEVER brought this up with me before. I had no idea he wanted his dog to move in with us. The dog has only ever lived at his parents' house. His parents assumed I'd be fine taking on the responsibility of an OLD, SMELLY DOG!!! WITHOUT EVEN ASKING ME!!! And when I explained my frustration about this assumption to my boyfriend while ALSO sweetly acknowledging how SPECIAL his dog is to him, he broke down and shut down!! It's SO FRUSTRATING when he does that, it's so stressful, it's SUCH a burden on me when my boyfriend doesn't have the capacity to validate my feelings the way I do his! Holding back and not compulsively fawning is SO HARD!!!! But I gotta stand firm---it's NOT fair that I have to edit my true feelings because he's not equipped to be more emotionally present for me.
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