I feel awful. I think I’m at a low point, but I’m not even sure what that means at this point. It feels like my life for the past 4 years has been a low point, if I’m being pessimistic. I just feel totally unsatisfied with my life and who I am. I’m 16, and ever since coming to college, despite academically succeeding, I’ve lost myself. My best friend, who I was incredibly close to (since we were 4), just decided to start being super close with a girl who we both fell out with massively last year, and to my disbelief, she’s basically left me and it’s not a big deal to her, seemingly. That sounds dramatic, but trust me, I couldn’t say it any other way without understating (shes done this so many times in the past). When we see each other in school, everything’s fine and we’re usually getting along as we would otherwise, but it’s just very different. We would FaceTime multiple times every day, (usually her ringing me) and that just stopped. Completely. And a lot of other things. She’s failing school, but she has a boyfriend and so many friends, but I don’t. I basically have one friend, and her. I hate it. All of my friends from high school (I’m from the UK, so high school is 11-16) went to a different 6th form, and it seems like everyone in this college has so many friends and I hate that I don’t, but I try and have compassion for myself in knowing that it’s mostly circumstantial, and all of those people came to this college with their friend groups, but it still makes me feel awful.
It’s starting to turn into self-resentment and if I’m being honest, resentment for other people. In my own perceptions, which I’ll admit are likely incorrect a lot of the time, it feels like no one really likes me, and that I’m annoying, or not interesting enough. I have fears when I’m laying in bed at night that when I go to university, I won’t have any good friends. It terrifies me. I’ve been having so many migraines, and I’m in school every day, but recently, I’ve been having to take time off because of them. I don’t have a migraine which is just a head ache. Firstly, I cant see, and then I cant speak, and then I throw up, and then I get an immensely debilitating head ache that basically lasts all day. I worry that my teachers don’t believe me, but there’s nothing I can do. I just feel terrible. I hate myself. I don’t want to, but I do. I feel like most people in my circumstances would. I don’t know what to do. And of course, I’m here, so on top of all of this, I have OCD, so that makes things just the more better.
I want therapy, but I can’t afford it. My mum tells me that I’m ‘happy’ and that I don’t need therapy. And, not in a Scientology kind of way, she doesn’t believe in mental illness. She had severe post partum depression and anxiety, for which she got treated therapeutically and it worked, but she says that she believes all mental illness is trauma, and she doesn’t think I have trauma, so she doesn’t think I need therapy. I’m not even exaggerating, that’s her philosophy.