So after taking a shower in the middle of the night I kind of came to a thought after realizing how much I've been ruminating and how much I've been blaming myself for the past for so long. After wondering how these things have happened and how much I try to Ruminate over these things. My mind goes back to 8 years to the mistakes I've made now. Ever since I was 11. It always focuses on the failures I've made based on my hormones or my sexual growth. I feel like I'm repressed in my sexual health and I don't always know how to express myself in that regard, so for the most part, I choose not to. I focus on either the times I tried to express myself sexually online, with others, and in person. There may have been good times, but I only seem to focus on the bad ones. When I'm not focused on that, I focus on the times I was addicted to pornography. I wouldn't say that I am anymore because I'm about to be a month free from it all. I don't watch it at all and I barely masturbate. There's little satisfaction to be had with both. Constantly replaying events, ruminating on what they mean, wondering if they prove that I am what I fear overall: A criminal, a bad person, a monster, a pedo, a threat. As of right now, I'm taking one day at a time to better myself. Im staying away from all adult content, I don't try to leave myself in any situation where I feel I may fall back into the trap, I try my best to help people on here, in my personal life, and myself, and I overall try not to let the past define me or anyone else that's trying to get better for themselves. Is this enough? Am I making excuses? What if nothing is enough despite the efforts? I feel trapped in a way. I'm sure others on here can feel similar to these feelings. I'm just wondering how my other friends on here are tackling these feelings.

I try to tell myself that the most genuine forgiveness is the ones that people work towards. I do feel like I'm working towards getting better and I'm making decisions that are align with my positives and my goals, even if my mind tells me otherwise. I just feel like there's times where I have this clarity that shows I'm okay and I'm doing good for myself but most days I lost that, you know? How will I ever be really sure if I truly forgive myself? I tell myself that I should forgive myself. I also acknowledge that I beat myself up quite a lot, and lastly, I try to remind myself that I have a thinking disorder. Meditation I found helped me after my shower a bit. It really makes a difference in my breathing. Exercise I don't do enough, which I've pointed out a couple days ago, but I'm also not sure where to start. I guess anywhere is good since I'll be building up to it.

@BigGip09 Yeah I mean everything is easier said than done. I also have days where I struggle more than others and days where I forgive myself more than on other days. Something you need to rememeber though is that the change will not happen in one day and not even one week. It'll take wayyyyy longer and sometimes you wont even realise that youre improving but you are. The fact that you acknowledge that you have this problem is already the start. Yoga really has helped me a lot. I would start by just finding a good video on youtube to follow and just try do it in the mornings. I realise that the later I do it in the day the less motivated I am. You're doing better than you think you are.

@ewaedb The phrase that has ALWAYS helped me in terms of forgiveness is that you're not as bad of a person as the worst thing you've done in life. Remember that.

Sorry you also feel this way, but I think therapy can really help with something like this.

@BigGip09 I have tried therapy once but it didn't work I wished I could be able to have one of the therapist of this app but it isn't available in my country