What if I’m not as anxious about my theme but I still feel concerned and very uncertain and doubtful? It feels very real still? Even though I’m in the stay better phase of therapy on here. I’m not sure if it’s just my depression or hormones making it worse, or the fact that I can’t get myself to do the higher exposures. Please help.

My ocd is very cyclic so its themes change monthly, and they can feel so so inappropriate and scary to discuss. I’d love to start therapy and feel ready but my only concern is because my intrusive thoughts come in waves, I can have periods where I feel amazing and don’t experience what I’m experiencing now so what if that’s the case when I start? Any advice would be appreciated. It makes me feel like I’m a fake or that It isn’t bad enough to receive help.

I’m not making this post to gain any reassurance (my therapist would kill me lol) but I just need some support here as I feel so alone and lost. I’ve been in ERP for a few years now and it’s been a journey thus far. I’ve experienced many different themes but currently it’s on sexual themes and I’m being drowned by it. I have to do exposures with videos of girls making out or being sexual with each other and then basically sit with the discomfort after. My brain literally jumps all over the place all day long. It’s throwing every thing at me from shows that I watch where women who were once with men get with girls, family members that I have who are gay, it’s having me question if I love my husband or feel anything toward him anymore, I have these thoughts that I can’t get close to God because “I like women” while also having it tell me that’s it okay because gay people still follow God. The other thing that gets me is the guilt I feel with my kids. It’ll throw images of my kids at me and I cry instantly. My brain is constantly talking to itself if that makes any sense? Constantly battling itself throwing thoughts and feelings at me to prove that I’m supposedly gay and then the other part is firing back showing why none of it is true. It’s just a lot of noise all damn day ! Anyone get this?. I try to sit with it and let it just go at itself but now I’m being told that’s not what I’m supposed to do, that I’m supposed to interrupt it?. I really feel like there’s something wrong with me that this can’t just be OCD. Can anyone here share there experiences with these theme? Anyone experience my type of story? I feel like no matter what I do I can’t get out of this.

If anyone who's had experience with sexual OCD can answer, please do Like actually, why am I no longer sure of my preferences. Why am I not sure whether I'm not attracted to something wrong. Why am I actually considering that may be the case, and why do I have moments where I feel neutral about these thoughts? The thoughts don't scare me as much, they do disturb me but they're not as scary - what's more scary is their possible meaning. At first, Sexual OCD feels like pure torment - intrusive thoughts and images looping in your head forever. But now? I still have the thoughts, and I've been told that anything from the thought itself to even a groinal response can be OCD related, and the more I go into ERP/ACT the more I feel like the fear is becoming real, even if it eases my anxiety somewhat. I'll put it briefly: I still don't want these disgusting thoughts to mean anything. I still don't wanna be a person that would act on them in any way. But OCD has made me even doubt this: "Do you really not want to act on these thoughts? Are you sure you aren't attracted to this? Are you?" and then that triggers checking, which only makes things worse because "Wait... would I say yes? Why would I ever do that? Did that reaction mean yes? Oh God, what if it did" I've been told I'm not actually who I fear and I can live with these thoughts and feelings, and I kinda do. But that hasn't stopped the doubt from creeping in, and feeling more real with every passing day. In fact, the lack of anxiety and panic makes it feel even more real, like I'm not actually having OCD symptoms. The less I fear, the harder the doubt hits. Picture this: 1. You're told to treat the thoughts as just thoughts, the feelings as just feelings 2. You do that, and you slowly start feeling better 3. But when OCD inevitably goes "but what if?", it seems stronger than before. All of a sudden you're panicking "maybe these things actually do mean something, oh no" ..that's my reality. It doesn't even feel like OCD anymore because it's nothing like the constant panic and dread I experienced in the beginning. But the dread and panic are still there, just more in the background - which doesn't make it any less distressing. And when you start falling into doubt, the rumination, checking, all the compulsions feel much more rational and warranted, they're automatic at this point. Also I tend to get thoughts like "but what if this is real", "but what if that thing that happened means something", "but what if this isn't ocd", "but why does it feel like you're denying it", "you're denying a real issue" - all of these basically keep me in the cycle. Is this meta-obsession? I do actually think that the thoughts, feelings, all of it could be pointing to a bigger issue, even if that's unlikely and the worst case scenario. I don't know if this just isn't poor insight, probably is (I've had poor insight since the beginning). If anyone could give any support or feedback, I'll greatly appreciate it 🙏