So today I told ocd to eff off, that I was tired of the lies, doubt, feelings that it gives me. I put my foot down telling it I don't care about anything that has to do with my ocd theme I don't care what you throw at me. It's all irrelevant and it doesn't matter. I don't care how real it seems it only seems real because of the attention and feelings of fear that I give it. I broke the chains of this ball and chain and I am free. Battered and bruised,, but I am free. Don't give up pepole keep on fighting find something that matters to you to hold on too. To give you the strength to keep fighting. Mine was the very thing ocd attacked and that was my son. Fight pepole fight. Much love and encouragement from my behalf to all you warriors!!!!!

After getting more acclimated to hocd thoughts, I started to fear that I have schizophrenia. I’ve been meditating a lot and have been mindful and in a really good headspace. I’ve been able to take a step back and recognize that this is just another topic of my ocd, and instead of reacting in fear and ruminating/what if-Ing everything, I’ve been able to just shrug off my intrusive thoughts and just live alongside them. Almost all day long yesterday I had the repetitive thought “schizophrenia” just popping into my head over and over. With other intrusive thoughts, I feel the fear attached to the thought, and immediately start asking “what if?” And ruminating about it until I work myself up into a huge mess and start googling for reassurance. Although annoying, I’ve been able to step back and just live with the intrusive thoughts this time, not ignoring them, but recognizing them and noting them as what they are, shrugging them off, and going on with my daily life. Eventually, I notice that they have stopped for a while. At some point, they inevitably come back, but the sting and the fear is becoming less and less. Sorry for the novel guys, but today I feel strong, and today I choose to excel and fight my ocd. We all have the strength to overcome this. We can do it. And we deserve the better life that we are working towards daily.

So I’ve been struggling to write this down. The truth about OCD is that it sucks. I get weird thoughts and they stick. And because I can’t confirm their weird thoughts i get stuck in a cycle of rumination. That’s my compulsion. I avoid people and situations because I think I’m a bad person. Which ultimately drove me into depression and more. The verdict is this: you can’t make a thought go away. You can accept it as a thought even if you feel doubt about accepting it and letting it be there. Fake it till you make it. I’m faking it everyday and I’ve grown so much since staring my exposure therapies. Don’t avoid your exposures. They become so easy like water. The hardest part is starting. Rumination is a choice - believe it or not. I go, wait a minute wait a minute, I don’t want to keep figuring this out. And I feel the train tracks move and my mind goes else where. This is with therapy. This is with holding on to my last string of hope. And to make this easier for all of you. I’m a mother. My ocd has made my life harder because I have a tiny human who relies on me. I had a horrible childhood with the main billion still in my life. I’ve accepted it. Accept and move on. Work out for 5 min a day. Buy a new gym outfit that makes u feel hot!! Eat something different like a good quality chocolate bar ( a piece ) enjoy it!!!! Chew it slowly. Drink some water. Listen to your heart not your OCD . We don’t need compulsions, you will get there and one day believe it. Live with ocd like you don’t care! You’ve gotten this far. Rewrite your story this year. Start again everyday. And take it day by day… Build your peace and remember, nobody has the motivation to get out of bed, it’s about building good habits and discipline. Start preparing your meals for thanksgiving. Give charity, pray to god once a day. Tell him your letting him take over. Now get up and , 1,2, ready set GO.

After 16 years of letting OCD control my life and experiencing how treatment wouldn't help if I still did compulsions before, during, or after exposures I learned my lesson. I went to treatment for 3 years. It helped, but it was not as effective because I didn't fully embrace ERP's principles and didn't fully commit to it. That was my reality until recently. I finally decided to surrender to OCD. I restarted therapy, this time aiming to face this the right way: resisting my urge to fight, resist, neutralize, and any other compulsion to the best of my humanity. I even reduced my workload in preparation for probably needing time off in case OCD got worse. I really expected this to get bad... seriously bad... the biggest fight of my life. To my surprise. I HAVE BEEN KICKING OCD's ass!!!!!!! And I mean I'm kicking it bad!!! ERP (done well) really works!!!!!! I can't believe it. I can finally see a way out of this, and it is through our fears, not around them. So far, my biggest and most important learnings have been: (1) that this is really not about the content of our fear. Regardless of your type of OCD, the best therapists I've learned from always said it, and its true: it's the same disorder (OCD) leading the charge against us. And (2) this is not about proving our brain is lying to us. You may (and most likely will) reach that conclusion anyways. But it's not the goal of ERP. Actually, you learn to live with the possibility of your fears becoming true. Ever since I learned this, I've seen my anxiety levels come and go on their own, without me needing to do anything about it. It leaves on its own, and it comes weaker with as time progresses. I don't have to do anything, just resist compulsions and move on with life. That has been true for every single trigger I've had and every unique and creative "what if" my brain has created to lure me into the rabbit hole. I'm defeating triggers I developed as far back as 15 years ago!!!! And you know what? I'VE ONLY GROWN STRONGER! Never in my existence with OCD have I felt this hopeful, strong, and courageous. Never have I been more proud of myself! And I can only wish every single one of you experiences this too. ERP works! Please, do it! Seek help and if not available, use self-guided available resources. There are plenty of great books! Do it right!! ERP will bring more anxiety, but then you will see the beauty behind facing your fears and just how strong you are!!!! I never thought I could get to this point!