cw// long, vent, mentions of grooming last night i had one of the worst TOCD attacks i’ve had in a while and i think i ended up AGREEING with a thought. i am so terrified. basically when i was ruminating on something i said when i was probably around 12-13 (i think i had the thought of “if i were a man, i would be gay” despite the fact that i now identify as a cis wlw) and i just spiraled from there. i couldn’t stop thinking about that one event. i’ve actually come back to this one specific thought several times over my OCD journey and the more i come back to it, the more visceral my reaction is to it. after spiraling and freaking out over thinking about it for around 5 minutes, i think i agreed with the thought. i was like, “would a cis person have this thought?” and my brain went, “no, this means you’re in denial” and suddenly the thoughts just stopped. like my paranoia stopped for a second. i think i shocked myself so much with agreeing that my brain couldn’t think for a bit. and then i just had this awful paralyzing fear make its way through me and i felt like i couldn’t breathe. it felt like i was back in 2020 when my TOCD obsessions were at their worst. it felt like there was a hole in my chest and i started crying. i had to get up out of bed and go online and take a bunch of quizzes for reassurance that i actually had ocd, and that i didnt have gender dysphoria. i KNOW i have OCD, and i KNOW i’ve never experienced real gender dysphoria, despite being uncomfortable with my gender once or twice when i was VERY young and being influenced by people who (i think) possibly groomed me. i don’t remember. and i think not remembering people who may have groomed me is really messing with me now and how i’m perceiving myself. in 2019 i was the happiest i’d ever been, BECAUSE i felt so comfortable with myself. i felt so incredible presenting as a woman and using my pronouns, better than i’d ever felt before. it felt like i really found my place in the world since i had always been insecure. i just feel like all of that has been ripped away. and i feel like even typing out that i’d been uncomfortable with my gender one time when i was like, 12, MEANS that i’m trans. i just don’t know what to do anymore. one day in 2020 i just was struck with a thought of “what if you’re trans?” and it never left my mind. i remember the exact day i had it and the first thing i did (i now realize) was compulsively make a list of reasons of why i was/was not trans, and the compulsions just spiraled from there. even after i had seen and experienced all the evidence that i have OCD, i still feel like i’m lying to myself.