If you have HOCD this one's for you. So to set some background I'm currently 20 and have had cycled through many, many of the different types of OCD since the age of 10. I've probably had every type by now. But when I was about 13 I had hocd and it was bad. Really bad. Had 80 absences from school that year bad. And I was only 13 I had no idea what the hell it was I was dealing with, I had no idea what ocd was let alone hocd. So I suffered and suffered until I finally found a fourm somewhere about this thing called hocd, and I finally had a name for what I was experiencing. I fought it by myself because I was too scared to tell anyone about it, in hindsight I should have though lol. But I just stopped giving those thoughts power. I accepted it and was like "yeah maybe I'm gay, maybe I'm not" or "yeah that guy in this movie is pretty good looking, does that make me gay? Maybe, maybe not" and eventually it lost it's power and faded away. Unfortunately my ocd continued to bounce to other topics I've had to fight that have also been hard. But I just want you to know if you have hocd you will get through this. I'm 20 now and have an amazing girlfriend and I literally can watch brokeback mountain lol (that woulda been impossible in my days of hocd)and just be like "hey that was a pretty good movie" without any ocd trigger or worry of being gay. You got this guys! Also one of my big compulsions was looking at male celebrities for hours and seeing if I had any attraction to them or what we now know as "groinal response" I know many of you might have a compulsion like that, and it's okay but you gotta try and not do that it'll only feed the ocd. I hope this may have given some of you some hope.

Just thought I’d share my story so far with you all and maybe see if anyone’s had similar stuff :) I had been completely straight my whole life. I’m 18 now but had had multiple girlfriends who I was very much into. I was never into guys. I was very stressed for my exams and ended up going to see Bohemian Rhapsody with some friends to chill. After seeing heaps of gay-Esque things in the film the thought popped into my head “what if I’m gay or bi” and then that’s when it started. (This was 3 months ago) I then found myself unable to hang out with my guy friends because every time I saw them I would get anxious I was attracted to them. I moved past this but I’m still constantly having an internal reasoning battle with myself about wether or not I’m into men. I then noticed a huge lack in sex drive towards women as well which scared me because being into women was a huge part of me. I have never been aroused by or enjoyed thinking about men sexually or romantically though this is what the intrusive thoughts were. This leads me to my main point which is porn. I was a heavy porn user before the ocd and I was starting to find Normal straight porn not as good. I had been watching more kinky shit eg step sibling stuff etc. I have watched gay porn multiple times since the HOCD. **potential trigger/ graphic warning ahead** and had finished both times. It happened very quickly and I just felt terrible after. I tell myself that I finished because of just the pure taboo nature of it and it was what the ocd wanted me to do since whenever I’d tried to arouse myself to men in a non pornographic way nothing had ever worked. Also when I was watching I wasn’t particularly focused on like the men themselves like I would with women when I watched straight porn. It was all very traumatising and I have to keep stopping myself from checking again to see if my reaction changes :( I’ve been meditating a lot and I’m about to start ERP on here and with my psychologist (who diagnosed me with ocd) But yeah just was wondering if anyone had anything similar with the porn thing just so I can figure out if it’s denial or whatever :) I don’t think it’s a coincidence with timing either since this all happened during exams.

HOCD people. I am doing more exposure therapy. Its been over a decade and only now am I really dealing with this in a meaningful way. I actually went to a massage center and they only had a male masseuse available. I usually would say no. I was able to get through the whole thing with almost no discomfort. I would have been a wreck before. I'm really happy for you others who share your story. I always doubted if I really had OCD or not, and having a community makes it so much easier. Thank you guys for making treatment possible

Hello everyone, I don’t know if any of you follow Florence given on Instagram but she is a feminist illustrator and author and she has recently shed some light on a topic which I feel has greatly influenced my HOCD and I hope by sharing this, this makes someone feel less alone. She asked her followers to write in to her about their earliest memories of pleasure - and thousands of predominantly women wrote in saying that at sleepovers when they were young they use to kiss their friends and “hump” one another or watch babystation or what not - the women reported feeling so ashamed of it and could not believe how many people had also done it! I myself am included in the thousands of young girls that did this before they even knew what sex or sexuality even was! She highlighted that these responses were not just from gay or bisexual women but a large majority of the women were heterosexual and they reported being very ashamed of these memories (myself included) however didn’t really bother them. This highlighted to me that I am not alone and loads of kids did this because we were kids and we “practicing” and didn’t really understand?. Unfortunately I suffer with anxiety on a very high scale and I found that my OCD presents itself when my anxiety is very high and my OCD is often centred around this! For so long I felt so alone in this experience and thought it must mean I’m gay despite not romanticising about women at all and online finding men attractive when I reached a sexually mature age - but it DOESN’T MAKE ME ANYTHING! Today I say no to OCD. I’m sure some of you have had an experience with someone of the same sex whether that be when you were a child or adult but it doesn’t define our sexuality. Sex contact, sexual attraction and sexuality are very different things. I’m proud to say yeah I find girls attractive but that doesn’t make me gay - Today I say fuck you to my HOCD.