TOCD Hi! This is my first post. I had my intake yesterday and it went really well! I actually felt really great afterwards. I've been having TOCD for about 2 months now. I've been all over the place with it, but recently have felt much much better after doing some personal work with ERP. However, I had a huge anxiety spike yesterday because I experienced what I can only call autogynephilia (arousal at the thought of having a vagina). I've experienced this before and it scares me a lot because the TOCD kind of pushes it to an extreme saying that I need to get gender affirmation surgery. Early on with the TOCD, I'd check if I actually did want a vagina, and like my checking would either be inconclusive, convince me that I did want one, or that I didn't, but no matter what it wouldn't last very long? Like I'd freak out about it and then like later forget that I was even worried about it. I'm a gay man, and I know it's not unheard of for gay men to experience autogynephilia and even to enjoy it and still be men, it's just very much all over the place with the TOCD. Like my guess is just that my OCD blows it out of proportion but I'm wondering if OCD can convince you that you like something to the point where you do like it? Like is this a backdoor spike? For reference, I believe I have experienced autogynephilia outside of an OCD mental state when I was younger, but as best as I remember it was a singular moment of experimentation that while enjoyable felt more like a fantasy than an embodiment of who I am if that makes sense. I'm feeling pretty calm about all of this right now, but I guess I'm just curious to see if anyone has had anything similar.

Lmaooo okay yea for real. Because like I feel like being gay/queer and dealing with TOCD is so different from how straight people deal with it. Like my main anxiety triggers are honestly the "pipeline" and the like atomization of gender identities if that makes sense. Like I think being queer opens up so much room for gender explorstion already, and TOCD just takes advantage of that wherever it can.

@Anonymous Yeah facts, and OCD makes it feel so urgent. Like even if there was a 2% chance I wanted to explore my gender identity for the bants TOCD makes it feel like you've been lying to yourself your whole life and you have to be trans and there's no other option

@guesswhosback Literally taking the words out of my mouth. Like I have literally thought about doing drag and have even done makeup but when I have a TOCD episode like it feels like if I don't get dressed in femme clothes that instant and like get estrogen and like schedule surgeries that I am basically locking myself in the gender closet forever, and like having come out that proposition is unacceptable so there have been a few times where I literally basically get in drag to be like... oh lol I don't actually feel like a woman that's crazy

@Anonymous Yeah. I'm slowly getting better so I can laugh sometimes at the shit TOCD tries to make me believe. I hope you are in a similar space :)

@guesswhosback Yea im think im on the right track too. I've been having a lot of backdoor spikes recently. This recent spike being one of them. Its been nice chatting!

I know it’s so scary freaking scary because you know it’s not what you want at all but then your brain is trying to convince it is! And then mid panic attack your like is it ocd and it so scary then you reaussure yourself and your like oh actually it is thankyouu but then it comes back and bites you again. I don’t know what to do at this point I’m so scared because I know it’s not me and it gets so scary, does anyone have any tips!

@helloyes555 I’m feeling so much better thanks for asking! Honestly not reassuring was so scary at the beginning but it’s really the only thing that’s helped me. It’s just hard to feel fully assured without the reassurance sometimes but I’m starting to feel like myself again. How about you?

@helloyes555 I’ve pretty much tried reassuring but last night I reassured again because it started to feel to real. I’m so sorry that it’s just the start of this theme for you and I know it’s super super hard to deal with and so scary and stressful but mine has gotten so much better through erp and I really hope yours does too!!

@Ella14 Yeah, mine is also feeling too real aswell. It got too real last night i depersonalized and passed out from stress. But yeah the gender spectrum thing messed with my TOCD and still is. I just want to be a girl.

Hey I’m feeling so much better thanks for asking! I’ve stopped reassuring again and although there are hard moments it’s honestly the best thing to do and the only way out. It’s sucks but you have to accept at some point that the only way to get through ocd is to stop compulsions and face the fear and it really just is a fear so you’ll feel a lot better after:) how are you?

@helloyes555 Ok ya that’s amazing but soemthing that’s really helped me is in some moments where you want to reassure and your brain kind of automatically does don’t beat yourself up to much because there are just the actual facts about the situation. There’s a very, very fine line between reassurance as a compulsion and just understanding that you do have ocd snd that these thoughts and fears are really just thoughts and you are still you yet you need to be very careful that it does not turn into a compulsion which can be tricky. Not sure if that would help you but it’s helped me to not get so mad at myself when I think it’s possible that I’ve done reassurance when sometimes I really do just come back into reality and understand the situation and that it is just ocd

@helloyes555 Ya my parents were talking to me about it and I think it’s also important to remeber that eveyrone does have a bit of ocd and a “normal person” who would just get intrusive thoughts would probably just say oh that was a weird thought and remeber the facts. Although that is a reassuring action I do believe that it is ok because there really are just the facts and it’s ok to be aware of them even when your trying to not reassure. I feel like reassurance is only bad and out of hand when it turns into a compulsion which can’t sometimes be sneaky and a very fine line but don’t beat yourself up to much if you just kind of have a natural reaction to a thought:)