i'm not sure if i'll be here in the end of this year. i can't do this anymore i'm fighting but i'm tired

I don’t know if it’s worth it to keep going. I have so many diagnoses, so little support, and constant struggles with finding the right medication. My immune system is weak, I have multiple deficiencies, and I’m dealing with so many physical health problems on top of severe OCD. It’s just too much. On top of everything, my family treats me so not okay. Every single day is a fight just to keep going—to wake up, to eat, to take care of myself even a little. I’ve lost over ten pounds in the last two weeks from how depressed I’ve been. And instead of support, all I get is blame. My family constantly throws my struggles in my face, calling me selfish, as if I’m choosing this. I am trying so hard to push past all of this. But after five long months of severe OCD, anxiety, depression, panic disorder, and everything else making life unbearable, I am exhausted. And to be called lazy? Selfish? *Worthless*? How am I supposed to keep going when the people around me refuse to see how hard I’m trying? I don’t want this anymore. None of this suffering feels worth it. What am I fighting for just to be treated this way by my own family? To be yelled at for the look on my face, when my face reflects nothing but the stress, panic, and despair I’m drowning in? Am I still supposed to smile for them? This isn’t fair. No one should have to live like this. I don’t deserve to be treated this way, I’m really trying to keep going, but I just want everything to end.

I just can’t do this shit anymore.im tired of these “arousal” sensations that feel real but when I go check my arousal to the same gender I just get anxiety. I’m tired of feeling like I can’t like girls anymore. I’m tired of my arousal getting blocked every now and then because I’m anxious. I’m tired of not knowing who I am anymore. I’m tired of having my mind putting me into an identity I never asked for. I’m tired of this life

i’m so sorry, this is a bit longer than i anticipated. for the people that struggle with periods on this app, i’ve had irregular ones all my life. the one i’m having now has been going on for almost two and a half weeks, i’m in so much pain, and i’ve bled through pants multiple times a day since i’ve been on it. i went to the gyno earlier this year for my first pap smear and tried talking to her about the problems i had previously faced. it felt like she ignored me and rushed through my appointment. i had to go ahead make another appointment with her because she could see me the soonest (since i was already established with her. every other office i called could only take me starting late june) due to the issues i stated previously. i’m extremely nervous to go because i’m scared she won’t listen to my issues like last time. i’ve also gone to the er a few times trying to figure out what’s wrong, but they all just do a blood test and an ultrasound and tell me to go home. i’m swimming in medical bills that i already can’t pay. on top of that, my ocd is getting to a point of being extremely debilitating. i tried seeing if the app would accept my insurance, but they don’t. even with a payment plan, i absolutely cannot afford to find therapy here. i’ve also tried looking at therapists near me, but it seems like none of them specialize in ocd. i live in a small town, so in a way that’s expected, but it doesn’t help my case. i’ve been feeling incredibly weak due to the blood loss and the lack of therapy. i just need some kind words to help me keep a positive attitude, because it’s been extremely hard to do so as of late.