Is it possible to have a theme not bother you as much anymore or if not at all? And is it true that OCD is worse when you’re really stressed? I’m currently under a lot of stress and have suicide OCD. But even when I’m not necessarily feeling so stressed it still bothers me. I just don’t know how I’m supposed to live and enjoy my life when my brain is constantly thinking about suicide when I don’t want to die.. I’m so scared and just feeling somewhat doomed that this obsession is gonna take over me.. I just need some hope

Thank you so much

I started having thoughts about suicide during a challenging year in highschool. I was incredibly depressed and had a lot of difficult classes and extracurriculars. I didn't notice them for a while, but the thoughts would always ramp up around deadlines and exams. I didn't really have a therapist at this point. My mom had me start going to counseling (therapy but the person doesn't have a PhD in psychology). I saw the counselor thru the end of highschool. We mainly just talked, and I still thought about killing myself. My second year of college was awful. There would be weeks or months where killing myself was a soft presence like an exit sign, or blaring like a fire alarm when I did something wrong I was very lucky to have friends who knew to call for help when I needed it. I somehow never went to a psych ward, but I could barely focus on schoolwork or conversations because of how terrified I was. I ended up dropping a lot of classes and clubs, but don't worry, that's not the end of the story I had a real therapist at this time, besides talk therapy, she taught me how to tolerate having the suicidal thoughts so that they were not as disruptive to my life. This app doesn't really teach that in a constructive way as far as I can tell. Lemme say more on that!

Thank you, and I’m not suicidal, I don’t feel hopeless or that life is not worth living. I want to live my life more than anything. The idea of suicide scares me to death. :( I’m just scared that these thoughts are gonna stick around so long that I’ll end up acting on them

@hegax My therapist specialized in Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, which is done with individual with group therapy, and helped me join a group. We went over Distress Tolerance skills, Emotional Regulation, Mindfulness, and Interpersonal Effectiveness (how we interact with those around us really affects our inside experience!) DBT really changed the game for me. Instead of CBT or other ways that just told me to "not overthink it," or to just sit tight and not respond to all the thoughts, I was able to understand how the thought was working in my head. As I got more experienced, I might have a thought of killing myself as I'm driving and realized I forgot to do an assignment. Rather than getting panicked as I used to, I could notice the thought, realized killing myself wouldn't help a paper done and wouldn't help me get to my friend's house faster, and I was able to let it go. All in under a second. I was only able to do that after months of distress tolerance and emotion regulation So yeah. Seven years later from that year in highschool, I do still think of killing myself. But I'm able to have the thoughts without them distressing me. They're like cues at this point.

@Anonymous That's a very real concern, obsessions can be so powerful :( These days I might think of killing myself in the middle of having fun with friends. I acknowledge it and can let it go most times. Once they start happening more often, or it starts taking me longer to let go than usual, I need to take a serious step back and see what's going on. Bc just like you said, I don't want to die. My brain seems to just be confused and think that suicidal is the helpful and appropriate response to what I feel are personal failings. My brain is trying to protect me and my life just as much as I am, it's just confused. So, to answer your question, in my experience suicidal obsession ebbs and flows. I had three solid months in 2019 that I didn't think about killing myself at all. Right now it comes up a few times a week, so I'm being extra conscientious and kind to myself and getting more help :) It's not ideal, but it's all OK in the end

@hegax Thank you for all the advice and sharing your experience. I’m hopefully getting set up with a therapist & psychiatrist within the next week and will ask about this type of therapy. But I’m a little confused, are you suicidal or did you have suicide themed OCD?

@Anonymous Both of them at different times! Life is funny like that. I don't know the experience you have in mental healthcare, but the exact symptoms are important for diagnoses and medications and not always other stuff. A lot of the same coping skills can be used across the board :) That's what can be really cool, I don't need to get hyper specific tools for every unique problem. Once you overcome one issue other ones become bigger. It's like how you wouldn't notice a needle through your foot when there's a knife in your leg. But once the knife is out, the needle is really obvious. Once you start digging there are more problems, but that means you're succeeding in healing urself, not failing ❤