Wow, image ocd is hitting me hard. And it doesnt help that all the woman i’m asking out are rejecting me. I feel so ugly and depressed. And i never saw myself as being ugly. And i keep making fake scenarios in my head of me being rejected or shamed by woman and cant help but feel frustrated as if it actually happened. And dont get me started on rumination. I keep ruminating about whats wrong with my image? Is it my face? My weight? My clothes? UGH, woman nowadays are so shallow

I am at the point where I feel like I don’t even know myself anymore and have a really hard time explaining my thoughts and feelings. The thought that no one may ever be able to help me or understand me is blazing constant in my head. I don’t know if I will truly ever be happy, the dissatisfaction I have in my life is beyond words and I try to be happy but my mind is so toxic and ungrateful. I feel that I may never understand myself. Have been dealing with extreme intrusive thoughts in regards to my relationship, if my partner is for me, if I am the reason problems come up in my relationship, if I am overly sensitive causing arguments etc. I will have constant thoughts about other people in my head although I have a partner. A hyperactive imagination of others if you will or specific individuals in my life. I have a severely low sex drive. I have also noticed recently that my partner will say things that I don’t like but can’t tell if he’s the problem or if i’m the problem. If I like my partner anymore or if I don’t, can I see him in my future or not. When I am with him I enjoy being with him but there is always a thought in the back of my head of do I just like being around him as a friend because I am lonely or if I truly love them. It’s to the point where I question leaving them or not. My only issue is that I don’t want to leave but at the same time I have trouble feeling emotionally and sexually connected. I even pick at physical imperfections that they may have which to my true beliefs does not matter I will love them otherwise. We recently have been arguing a lot and I can’t tell if I am the problem or he is but it causes me a lot of stress because I feel misunderstood and feel like he wouldn’t understand me unless he was me. It can be hard explaining OCD to him because he is one of those people who loves to self help almost like a life coach, explains to me that anxiety doesn’t exist and that I can help myself or stuff along those lines. It hurts so bad because he doesn’t understand how hard it is for someone with OCD and how him saying things like that only makes it worse and makes me want to turn away from him in a way. I want to feel like I can talk to my partner and that I know for a fact is my true belief. I pray that God will heal me of this terrible disease. I feel I have turned away from the Lord so much because of how alone and misunderstood I feel with what feels like no change. When I’m in public I’ll look at a guy and feel as though because they looked at me back they will think I like them or that I may be interested even though i’m not. I obsess in my head sometimes about real people I know that are kit my partner and have just learned to accept that but it’s still disheartening to me. I understand the concept of being with a partner and still finding other people attractive without obviously doing anything about it and I try to remind myself of that. Please someone tell me this is OCD because the thought of it not is sickening. Another thing I do is compare myself to other girls my age almost that if i’m not as pretty as them im not pretty at all. To whom ever reads this please be very mindful of how you respond because I am triggered very easily. But I am so so lost.

this past month ive been feeling grossly anxious because sometimes I feel like my gf is ugly. im so ashamed of this and i just wish this could stop, I hate it so deeply. there is this interview my lover did in the middle of the street and in the video she doesn't look her best and i know it's normal not to always look DASHING and angles can sometimes make u look a bit different but my anxiety stems from the fact that i think she looks a little less flattering because her double chin looks more prominent than it usually does irl. my lover has a double chin no matter their weight and i don't mind, i don't think it's ugly or that she should lose weight, I find her cute and i don't think that one has to be skinny to be beautiful, I find that very stupid. and yet I feel like she looks less flattering because of how her double chin looks in the video and that makes me feel HORRIBLE, cus she always has a double chin so i shouldnt feel like that for a trait she already possess. what if she gains weight and her double chin will actually look more prominent ? it would be disgusting if i found her less pretty only because of that. I shouldn't think like this, her double chin doesn't make her less pretty i should love her regardless. i feel so gross. ive been watching that interview on loop because i Just want to feel like she's pretty no matter what. i hate this i don't know what to do.

So I relapse bad 1 time a week now at least and it’s awful. I was ok til I wasn’t this week again. Monday I was crying bc I wanted to be me again and I found tactics to stop my thoughts. I’d be like “well the real me before these thoughts wouldn’t think that” and I’d be ok. But then today I was at school bouta leave and was doing so well. A guy drove by in a pick up and had wut looked like a tan face w rosey cheeks. I had some mini thoughts but I let em pass over until another one came in and I engaged My brain was then like: “oh he has the cute rosey cheeks and tan skin you’d want him coming up to you and flirting bc you want those guys liking you” and it felt rlly real and then saw bro get outs his car and realized he was short and kinda ugly, my mind was then like “it doesn’t bother u now tho bc he’s uglier and shorter than you thought. I bet hair he’s wut you pictured him as you would still rlly want him.” Then I felt awful and then 0.2 seconds later I realized I love my man and wouldn’t want any guy coming up to me. So I tried to chill and let it sit, but then it persisted bc I’m awful. Then I tried to be like “old me would’ve wanted that anyways, but it was like “ye but rn you was kinda real you and felt like it was true. Then I got home and was like old me would’ve never. Then my brain said “I bet if he woulda appeared last yr when you had a huge crush on ur man before u were officially together you woulda talked to jk m in class and found him cute and started crushing for him over ur man” th en my brain like vividly imagined it and it felt true I hate it and then ad the day went on it felt more and more like id want that guy, and it says bc I think he’s cuter then my man bc this guy had the rosy cheeks and tan face. I feel so awful bc even now (many hours later) I feel awful bc my man gets down thinking he’s not enough and wants me to just love him fully but I do and that’s all I want. And I feel awful bc my brain convinces me stuff against him around me are a sign or smth. And u feel terrible he deserves all my love and I love when I can give it all and I wanna cry when it feels there’s someone else there I like or smth. For example it still feels as tho I want the rosy cheeked guy or smth and I’m never gonna find a him and be upset forever. I hate it. I wanna be repulsed by all men that aren’t my man. Why’d it feel true I don’t want it to. And I hate that sometimes I’m unable to decipher if I even want it or not. It’s the worst cycle ever I hate it. How to I fix is it really ocd do I really care ab my man how even can I if I feel like this so often. He even said “sometimes I wonder maybe I’m not the right person or smth. Like if you were with that person maybe this wouldn’t happen” yet no I can’t I love my man😞 pls help Aldo does medication work i wanna get on it to get better