- User type
- OCD Conqueror
- Date posted
- 4y
A family member of mine has this. Ultimately, they had to work on their fear of abandonment (understanding where it stemmed from, the trauma it caused, and understanding that jealousy is a feeling when u think someone has something that you don’t have. Ultimatly the way to combat it is to stop ruminating over it and just sitting with all the thoughts and possibilities.
Thank you!!
I deal with this as well. I found out a lot about my partners past and it hurt me so bad to know there was others (we were on and off a lot and he wasn’t the greatest) I knew always there was other girls but I never knew for sure and finding it out hurt but I’m with him and we are committed and serious. So I try to focus on that more. That if it wasn’t for any of those things then we wouldn’t be here today. I don’t know, I’m still trying though. I get super jealous and angry that anyone else got to feel anything from him that I have felt but that is life too u know? I have a past too.
Thank you! That’s true. I have a past too it’s just hard when I obsess over his
@Anonymous I get that. Today is a hard day with those thoughts for me. I hope us both the best. We have to remember they love us and no matter what has happened in the past, it brought us together today.
@Anonymous Ikr ;( I love him sm I just keep obsessing over this past thing like it makes me jealous and also just anxious.. yk when you can’t find a reason why you have anxiety over something or it upsets you, it just does and you don’t like the truth about the past and you wanna change it but can’t. It’s like I just need reassurance and I know that sounds bad and I shouldn’t but that’s my plan today…
@Jazmine_Leigh Yeah I definitely feel that. I sometimes act out a conversation I’d have with him to get an answer. I went snooping and found out a lot and we almost broke up. He told me to not mention his past again because he isn’t that person anymore. (We were on and off he wasn’t the best lol) but he’s changed so I need to appreciate that. I think asking for that reassurance will only build more dependency on it, it’s like a compulsion where we will feel better after but it will only last for so long. I feel like we have to sit with the fact that those things happened and it doesn’t reflect how they feel about us. I’m sorry ur going through this :( I love my bf so much too I’m grateful but anxiety/depression and ocd can take over sometimes but we have to remember they’re lies!!
@Jazmine_Leigh I know exactly what you mean. I get instantly triggered and upset and can’t be in the moment and it ruins perfectly good moments with my partner. So it’s ironic actually. Because he’s not even thinking about his past and is trying to enjoy the present with me but I ruin it with thoughts of his past girls
And the hard part is he was my boyfriend in high school so we were each other’s first everything’s and then we broke up for a bit so we were with other people and now back again so it’s hard
OMG REALLY? Lol do we just become best friends holy shit. Me and my bf been on and off for three years but met in high school (I’m 24) and he did stuff and I did stuff and now we’re both like wtf! He got over mine but I can’t get over his! And I understand the can’t be in the moment thing, I overthink too much if I’m good enough even since there were other girls, it makes me feel un worthy even though he literally chose me and were dating. So oooof I get that they’re enjoying the present and we live in the past thing
OMG THAT WAS ME TOO!!
@Anonymous Omg that’s so funny it’s the same! Ahha! I’m 25 and we had several years a part but then got back together. And I was in two serious relationships and hook ups and he didn’t even have a girlfriend after me but slept with 5 other people and that’s more than most of my friends boyfriends have been with so no one relates
YESSS
I don’t know how to heal this possessiveness insecurity and jealousy and the mental loops
And I wonder how much better our relationship would be if I didn’t constantly ruin it with this rj obsessing
Yeah no I literally get you, I’m gonna talk to my bf today and I know Imma ask him questions but he’s used to it now where he won’t leave me cuz of it but it’s like I know it’s not good but still do it
@Jazmine_Leigh I asked more questions today too and it led to a fight 😣😣😣
@Anonymous Yeah mine did too… where he said some hurtful stuff cuz it was hours of questions
:/ I fucked up and I went through his phone a month ago and I found messages of him calling me easy and that he was lonely and that’s why he was with me in the beginning of us talking again. I didn’t tell him I saw that because he already got so mad at me for snooping cuz I found out helllla shit he did before we became official… he has practically turned his whole image around for me and changed and I dug into the past and he almost left me because I broke that trust for no reason. I regret it cuz I knew he did shit and knowing for sure added more questions for me and seeing him talk down on me made me mad but again, I was very skeptical in the beginning anyway and said some awful stuff about him too since we were VERY toxic back then. I’m having trouble believing this is different this time around like hmmm is this real? Even tho it is :/ it’s so annoying. So I ruminate about if I deserve him even and if he’s with me just cuz I was his last option since the others didn’t work out. Even tho I know for a fact he just wanted to be single & have fun and probably got tired of it and came to me IDKKKK I HATE THIS LOL
I hate the not knowing all the details part. Like I wanna know all the details of my partners past
Looking back, my introverted nature and struggles to find belonging in high school may have set the stage for how OCD would later impact my relationships. I had my first relationship in high school, but OCD wasn’t a major factor then. It wasn’t until my longest relationship—six years from age 18 to 24—that OCD really took hold. The relationship itself wasn’t the issue; it was what happened after. When it ended, I became obsessed with confessing past mistakes, convinced I had to be completely transparent. Even when my partner was willing to work past them, I couldn’t let go of the intrusive thoughts, and that obsession landed me in the hospital. From there, my struggle with ROCD (Relationship OCD) fully emerged. For years, every time I tried to move forward in dating, doubts consumed me. I would start seeing someone and feel fine, but then the questions would creep in: Do I really like her? Do I find her attractive? Is she getting on my nerves? What if I’m with the wrong person? I’d break things off, thinking I was following my true feelings. But then I’d question: Was that really how I felt, or was it just OCD? I tried again and again, each time hoping I could “withstand it this time,” only to fall back into the same cycle. The back and forth hurt both me and the person I was with. By the time I realized it was ROCD, the damage had been done, and I still hadn’t built the tools to manage it. Now, at 28, I know I need to approach dating differently. I recently talked to someone from a dating app, and my OCD still showed up—questioning my every move, making me doubt my own decisions. I haven’t yet done ERP specifically for ROCD, but I know that’s my next step. Just like I’ve learned tools for managing my other OCD subtypes, I need a set of strategies for when intrusive doubts hit in relationships. My goal this year is to stop letting uncertainty control me—to learn how to sit with doubt instead of trying to “figure it out.” I want to break the cycle and be able to build something healthy without my OCD sabotaging it. I know I’m not alone in this, and I know healing is possible. I’m hopeful that working with a therapist will help me develop exposures and thought loops to practice. I don’t expect to eliminate doubt entirely—after all, doubt is a part of every relationship—but I want to reach a place where it doesn’t paralyze me. Where I can move forward without constantly questioning whether I should. And where I can be in a relationship without feeling like OCD is pulling the strings. I would appreciate hearing about your experiences with ROCD. Please share your thoughts or any questions in the comments below. I’d love to connect and offer my perspective. Thanks!
Hey everyone, First time posting here! Wanted to share my story for some support but also to hopefully make others feel less alone. In short - my ROCD has made such a mess of my personal life. I was in a great relationship until spring of last year, at which point we separated mainly due to my ROCD. I struggled heavily with OCD about 10 years ago (harm based intrusive thoughts, sexual orientation ocd, etc). It took a lot of work but I was able to mostly overcome my struggles and truthfully, hadn’t given ocd much thought since then. I thought I was cured. And then 10 years later I am in a very fulfilling relationship with a girl I really love, but at about the year mark in my relationship things really changed. She wanted to have a conversation about next steps (moving in, marriage, kids, etc) and at that point my brain just went into panic mode and the ocd took over. From that point on, I was constantly scanning for red flags, felt very reserved when it came to any sort of statement or commitment and tended to avoid anything that would indicate I was committed to a long term future. It was not that I didn’t love it was just that my ocd was doing anything to keep me from making a big commitment. It eventually got a point where we had a big conversation about breaking up or staying together and my OCD convinced me that it was safer and that I would do less harm to her if we ended things, which was incredibly devastating to me. At the time I felt like my obsessing over small red flags were normal and that I needed to protect myself. I just had no clue it was ROCD. I spent the next 8 months missing her and kicking myself for my mistakes, and I eventually got the courage to reach out and see if she’d be willing to talk again, which she was. But the problem is, at this point I still didn’t know it was ocd. So when we talked again I was still plagued by ROCD as all the same thoughts and feelings came flooding back. We tried to talk through things but once again I was unable to make any sort of commitment to the future so it went nowhere. Once again, I am feeling very sad and angry at myself for not being able to handle ROCD. I feel like I let it control me twice and has robbed me of a lot of happiness and hurt someone I care very much about. I understand it’s probably not best to just look at ourselves with anger and guilt all the time but it’s hard not to when you feel like you just caused so much harm. Anyone feel like they can relate? Or if anyone is going through something similar I am happy to chat as ROCD can really be tricky. Thanks
I’m gonna try to make this make sense, and any support or advice would be great. I have a beautiful girlfriend, who I’ve been dating off and on for a year. We were really rocky but got our shit figured out 4 months ago and have been strong since. I truly love this girl more than I’ve loved anyone. And I know based off the sheer amount of ocd that has come up on our relationship, that she means a lot to me. Me and her were in a friend group in 2022 and we never liked each other. However she had a sexual relationship with one of my old friends. Fast forward to now I haven’t talked to him in a long time and I don’t see it as an issue. However… I keep having this vivid flashback to him touching her some kinda way in 2022. I can’t remember exactly what happened or the details but it’s running through my head. I guess this is retroactive jealousy but it’s really almost hurting my feelings. I wish it would stop but I know ocd doesn’t work that way. I just wanna be happy with my girl and not upset at her past experiences
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