i dont think this is ocd i mean maybe relationship ocd at most but god over a year ago like feb 2020 right before covid restrictions started my best friend of 8 years and I got in this argument but it was more of I was acting weird and passive aggressive getting sensitive about dumb things and hadnt returned her headphones when she asked me about it i decided to tell the truth be like i just am in a bad place i dont want to talk to anybody im mad about my life and i dont want pep talks from people and your headphones just havent been important to me this led to like a long long rant on her end about how basically i must be in a bad place or shit hole because her best friend would never talk like this and i kept apologizing and she kept shooting them down and being like im not hurt im angry im pissed and she just went in on me and i just kind of broke down crying and it led to an ocd like spiral where i began begging my sister like please read these texts begging for reassurance of am i bad person and freaking out that im a piece of shit or that im a narcissist for like being selfish about being in a bad place or that my friend is for blowing up on me ... i eventually calmed down... but the whole weekend i was a mess crying spells and obsessively searching for answers of what happened... a few days later this friend emailed me basically a ted talk about how i have a lot of work to do on myself and shell be there for me when i need her and then a week later when it was my birthday i got an email ecard? then a few weeks after that it was still messages about her headphones which i had honestly like i wasnt trying to steal them i just hate going to the post office and anyway i was debating do i send them because i was like i dont want anymore texts from her ill send them but only so shell leave me alone and stop accusing me of being a theif essentially ... then when she got them she sent me a passive aggressive message of like dear ghost which i never read because i promised i would stop reading and rereading her messages because that just made me worse... so i just saw the start of that ghost message...then a week later she tried calling me but i was afraid to pick up the phone and then i had deleted all my social media but she thought i blocked her i was too much of a wishful thinker and didnt want to block her so i just deleted all social so i wouldnt have to see posts about her or have her keep tabs on me or send me more passive aggressive stuff on messenger she thought i had blocked her so she texted the only place she could get in contact via phone and called me a spineless coward for blocking her even though i didnt i just was trying to help myself by getting off of things that wont help me and then months went by maybe 6 and she sent me something that started off as an apology and i never responded because i didnt want to read the whole thing i was afraid it would cause my anxiety like her other messages and then like a day or two later she followed it up with oh wait never mind just continue more silent treatment i also spent a lot of time debating am i giving her silent treatment and am i a narcissist or am i going not contact so i dont have to be berated anymore like how do you know if youre the bad guy how do you know if youre a horrible friend and piece of shit like anyway so that last time was when i decided to fully block her because i was like well even her apologies seem to be ways to lure me back in that they arent real they are like hey so i guess i took it too far and then if i dont respond right away its a wow more silent treatment and kind of taking it back or telling me off ... so i was like yeah we gotta block this has to be over because every time she makes contact i have a little freak out they arent as bad as that first weekend but i definitely become desperate for reassurance am i doing the right thing how do i know ... well today she texted my mom (she lives in another state by the way like 4 hours away) and said shes in town and wants to meet up with me and now im freaking out like idk what to do i still miss the good parts of our friendship but that period of time last year really fucked me up like i just dont know what she wants, to tell me off some more? if it is to apologize like what so we become aquantances? and in the back of my mind im always worried this might happen again? im tempted to message back to her and go if you intend on disrespecting me further i have no interest in meeting with you, ive been told enough by you what a bad friend i am, im in a shit hole ill never get out of, im a spineless coward. If the nature of this meetup will reflect your texts in anyway i have no interest in this. Im not sure what you want out of this but if you arent here to belittle me I can hear you out otherwise i wish you well and honestly just want this chapter to be over with. Idk even that seems like yeah like i basically became afraid of contact with her and now shes in my hometown over a year has gone by and she wants to meet up? so yeah im having a mini freak out... like is this my one shot to get closure and if i dont take it ill regret it forever or will i leave it feeling even worse a out myself or worse will i forgive her because being around her will remind me of old times and my missing of our fun parts of pur friendship will outweigh all these bad memories and then ill come home going shit i forgave her for everything now she thinks we are tight as ever but im still scared this could happen again. like what if she tries to down play what she did and i fall for it and am like oh you didnt mean it like that wow now i feel stupid and yeah i just am imagining a million and one outcomes im even imagining somehow she uses this app and read this message and comments christ that would be bad... anyway trying my best not to ask for reassurance