i dont think this is ocd i mean maybe relationship ocd at most but god over a year ago like feb 2020 right before covid restrictions started my best friend of 8 years and I got in this argument but it was more of I was acting weird and passive aggressive getting sensitive about dumb things and hadnt returned her headphones when she asked me about it i decided to tell the truth be like i just am in a bad place i dont want to talk to anybody im mad about my life and i dont want pep talks from people and your headphones just havent been important to me this led to like a long long rant on her end about how basically i must be in a bad place or shit hole because her best friend would never talk like this and i kept apologizing and she kept shooting them down and being like im not hurt im angry im pissed and she just went in on me and i just kind of broke down crying and it led to an ocd like spiral where i began begging my sister like please read these texts begging for reassurance of am i bad person and freaking out that im a piece of shit or that im a narcissist for like being selfish about being in a bad place or that my friend is for blowing up on me ... i eventually calmed down... but the whole weekend i was a mess crying spells and obsessively searching for answers of what happened... a few days later this friend emailed me basically a ted talk about how i have a lot of work to do on myself and shell be there for me when i need her and then a week later when it was my birthday i got an email ecard? then a few weeks after that it was still messages about her headphones which i had honestly like i wasnt trying to steal them i just hate going to the post office and anyway i was debating do i send them because i was like i dont want anymore texts from her ill send them but only so shell leave me alone and stop accusing me of being a theif essentially ... then when she got them she sent me a passive aggressive message of like dear ghost which i never read because i promised i would stop reading and rereading her messages because that just made me worse... so i just saw the start of that ghost message...then a week later she tried calling me but i was afraid to pick up the phone and then i had deleted all my social media but she thought i blocked her i was too much of a wishful thinker and didnt want to block her so i just deleted all social so i wouldnt have to see posts about her or have her keep tabs on me or send me more passive aggressive stuff on messenger she thought i had blocked her so she texted the only place she could get in contact via phone and called me a spineless coward for blocking her even though i didnt i just was trying to help myself by getting off of things that wont help me and then months went by maybe 6 and she sent me something that started off as an apology and i never responded because i didnt want to read the whole thing i was afraid it would cause my anxiety like her other messages and then like a day or two later she followed it up with oh wait never mind just continue more silent treatment i also spent a lot of time debating am i giving her silent treatment and am i a narcissist or am i going not contact so i dont have to be berated anymore like how do you know if youre the bad guy how do you know if youre a horrible friend and piece of shit like anyway so that last time was when i decided to fully block her because i was like well even her apologies seem to be ways to lure me back in that they arent real they are like hey so i guess i took it too far and then if i dont respond right away its a wow more silent treatment and kind of taking it back or telling me off ... so i was like yeah we gotta block this has to be over because every time she makes contact i have a little freak out they arent as bad as that first weekend but i definitely become desperate for reassurance am i doing the right thing how do i know ... well today she texted my mom (she lives in another state by the way like 4 hours away) and said shes in town and wants to meet up with me and now im freaking out like idk what to do i still miss the good parts of our friendship but that period of time last year really fucked me up like i just dont know what she wants, to tell me off some more? if it is to apologize like what so we become aquantances? and in the back of my mind im always worried this might happen again? im tempted to message back to her and go if you intend on disrespecting me further i have no interest in meeting with you, ive been told enough by you what a bad friend i am, im in a shit hole ill never get out of, im a spineless coward. If the nature of this meetup will reflect your texts in anyway i have no interest in this. Im not sure what you want out of this but if you arent here to belittle me I can hear you out otherwise i wish you well and honestly just want this chapter to be over with. Idk even that seems like yeah like i basically became afraid of contact with her and now shes in my hometown over a year has gone by and she wants to meet up? so yeah im having a mini freak out... like is this my one shot to get closure and if i dont take it ill regret it forever or will i leave it feeling even worse a out myself or worse will i forgive her because being around her will remind me of old times and my missing of our fun parts of pur friendship will outweigh all these bad memories and then ill come home going shit i forgave her for everything now she thinks we are tight as ever but im still scared this could happen again. like what if she tries to down play what she did and i fall for it and am like oh you didnt mean it like that wow now i feel stupid and yeah i just am imagining a million and one outcomes im even imagining somehow she uses this app and read this message and comments christ that would be bad... anyway trying my best not to ask for reassurance

I’ve posted this under a comment before, but if anyone has the time to read it and maybe share their experience or tips with me, I would really appreciate it. This is just kind of the reason why Idk if I only have OCD or if I should get checked for BPD aswell as emotional dependency is (as far as I know) not a common symptom of OCD and neither are excessive changes in emotions/moods. I think the worst part my situation is that one of my biggest and most damaging if not destructive obsessions I developed earlier this year was this constant fear that my friend would lie to me about meeting up with a boy she liked (we are both girls and queer, she didn’t know that about me until recently, but I’ve known that she is and we both sort of crushed on each other). Not just lie, but do it behind my back, keep it a secret, and then maybe even end our friendship without saying anything. And the thing is... that basically happened. Two weeks ago she started acting strange one day out of nowhere, and then I found out (through another friend) that he was coming over to her place. We had already talked about this before, I had cried in front of her and confessed how much it hurt me. I know doing that probably wasn’t the healthiest thing, but my emotions completely overwhelmed me in that moment. And even though nothing physical happened between them, it still felt like a betrayal. I’m not saying it was cheating, obviously not, we’re not in a relationship and it is unfair of me to try and tell her who or not to date, but it still hurts. Especially as weeks ago, we already had a detailed conversation about this. She told me she didn’t actually like him that much, and that if they were going to meet again, she’d be honest with me about it. But instead of being honest that day, she said nothing. Worse, she suddenly stopped talking to me, which made me think I had done something wrong so I completely lost my mind. She knows I’m emotionally dependent on her to some extent, so when she goes cold or distant, I spiral. And that day, I saw them talking and going quiet as I walked by, and then she literally turned to walk into a different direction. I don’t know why but it just crushed me. I thought she was mad at me, and I just felt like I was being shut out and lied to. And as I’ve mentioned, later that day, after eight hours of crying, another friend told me what really happened. She even drove me to her place so we could talk. We did talk, but since then, we haven’t had any contact. And it’s driving me absolutely insane. She told me it would be “people-pleasing” if she didn’t try to date him. And I know she’s kind of right, but she still lied to me. She didn’t care if that meant that she would throw away our friendship, or at least she treated it like it was worth less than a potential (!) relationship with a guy who, as far as I know, didn’t even respond when she told him she had feelings for him. It’s honestly devastating. I feel betrayed, discarded, and totally lost and I know I can’t even logically be mad at her as the reason she didn’t tell me is obvious and as a good friend I should just be happy for her, but my emotional side is so much stronger than my logic.

okay so, i had this friend i met in the 8th grade when i was 13 when we became friends and my nickname for her was “red” and i had a crush on this friend before we became friends and once we became friends the crush faded away and i just grew a close platonic friendship with her and no longer has any crush or attraction or romantic interest in her. then i got a girlfriend named lisa in the 8th grade also and we were all friends and hung out but that summer going into highschool lisa broke up with me, we dated only for 2 months so you know it wasnt a big deal. and my friend “red” she and my other friend lana we are a trio and they helped me move on from that. then i started 9th grade (my freshman year of highschool) and i went into this year thinking i was gonna stay best friends with this trio but we ended up splitting paths but me and my friend “red” always had a more special bond in the trio we were like the duo because we trauma bonded and dealt with mental health problems. and in the end of my first semester i fell in love with this girl named riley (who became my 3 year serious relationship) and i love this girl so much i met her when i was 15 and she was 14, me and riley (who is my current partner) were very toxic during freshman sophomore and junior year. she was very insecure over my ex from the 8th grade who i didnt care about because she was my first girlfriend. and she was also very insecure over my friend “red” because she was my best friend during the time i was with my ex and she reminds her of my ex for some reason. i still wanted to be friends with “red” at the time and we would get into numerous fights about that. she would control me and who i was friends with and said i couldnt be friends with her and i felt so awful and defeated bc i had a close bond with this friend. she then gave me an ultimatum of either her or my former best friend and i chose my partner obviously but she was so in her head i think that she still broke up with me for like 3 days and that day she broke up with me i had to go home with her since she was my ride home and i was broken and she was obviously angry and i was crying while we were walking out of school and then she stormed off without me all upset and my other guy friend and his girlfriend saw me and went up to me to comfort me and asked what was wrong and i told them she broke up with me and then my partner yells my name very upset from across the street comes back and grabs my arm aggressively and drags me past everyone very aggressively and angry while telling me to stop crying because her mom is going to be upset and ask questions and i felt so bad. we got into the car and i had to try my best not to cry and my partner who was visibly upset a few seconds ago just completely smiled at her mom and asked how her day was with such a happy tone of voice and i was completely in shock. hours later since we were broken up i texted my former friend “red” (the one who my partner broke up with me over) and told her i needed emotional support that reyna had dumped me and i needed a friend. and she came over and talked to me. that was all nothing romantic. and then 2 days later my partner says we are back together and i was happy but felt guilty because i hung out with my friend who she dumped me over. Now years later im still with this partner after many splits but we are finally healthy and healing and shes been super supportive and there for me and loving during my recent journey discovering my ocd. i have been confessing over and over many past mistakes or things i thought were mistakes. i last confessed something on monday and ive been feeling better and relieved after confessing up until yesterday when i remembered a past mistake (which was what i just shared) and now i cant stop ruminating on it and feeling guilty and feel the need to confess this to my partner but i learned that confessing is my ocd compulsion and if i give into it ill be feeding my ocd and not breaking the cycle. but im also feeling conflicted on if i should genuinely let her know and confess because i feel what i did that time was wrong but i dont want to give into my ocd but also what if i basically cheated on my partner by doing that and if i tell her that i did what i did even tho i didnt cheat but i told her i never liked this person even tho i had a crush on the former friend and tried to get my partner to let me keep this friendship because its not like i like her romantically which is true i dont but i used to. so i feel like i betrayed her even especially by hanging out with her so now i dont know if i should tell her or if its my ocd and i dont have to share absolutely everything especially if its in the past. i dont want to lose my partner and im scared if i keep confessing it will ruin our relationship and drive her away but it will also make me lose myself and my own privacy and also feed my ocd and compulsions but im scared if i dont confess ill never stop thinking about it and i will feel like im lying to my partner and like i cheated and i wont be able to enjoy the good moments and the present because im stuck on my past “mistakes” and now im scared ill have the end my relationship to feel better but that will hurt me more but im scared if i stay im just going to try to avoid my partner in fear ill confess or feel the urge to confess every time we speak. i dont know what to do im completely lost this is the hardest thing ive ever dealt with and i have a lot ive dealt with in my life already. im barely 17 i havent had a year of a break

the past month ive been ruminating about a time last year where i hurt a friend by unintentionally bringing up a traumatic memory when i was really drunk, enough that i didnt remember it, so i went 6 months without apologizing until i was worried when they werent talking to me anymore. so they told me when i finally tried to talk to them. i apologized and they told me we were ok now, and still want me in their life, but now they stopped talking to me again and its been 3 weeks, and im terrified that i did something again, especially since they stopped talking to me when i made a mistake before, and wont tell me outright. the event triggered horrible horrible guilt over what i did, mostly guilt About the guilt i was feeling, because its not a normal amount of guilt for a regular person, and eventually my compulsions for confessing and ruminating reached a high point. and when they stopped talking to me again they got even worse . they are aware i suffer from ocd and anxiety to an extent (we've been friends since we were teenagers) so its hard for me to believe they wouldn't do this unless i did something wrong again, especially due to the events of my past mistake. lately ive been wondering, 'have they found out my abnormal reaction to what happened ?' 'did a friend who knows about it tell them?' ive been avoiding asking them if i did something wrong again, because i dont want to make it a habit since i can fall very deeply into that hole of asking for reassurance and i feel even regular reassurance, without the ocd, im the last person who deserves that right now. im scared they somehow found out about my compulsions (which isnt entirely irrational) and i feel the need to apologize to them again. ive been having panic attacks about this. i feel like no matter what i do i cant fix our friendship, and its going to end badly. i feel like a terrible friend, and im too mentally ill to have friendships. i don't know what to do.