- User type
- OCD Conqueror
- Date posted
- 4y
I have a close friend at work who is black. He's genuinely one of my closest confidants. He has helped me get to know the place I work in, and the area I now live in (I moved 3 years ago). He watches out for me, and takes care of me. I have gotten to know him and to understand the background he came from, and I am honored to be his friend. I would trust him with my life. Unfortunately, I also have intrusive thoughts of intentionally or unintentionally saying horrible things to him, including racial slurs. Its extremely distressing.
These thoughts always seem to attach onto the ones who hold near and dear to our hearts. OCD is evil.
This is pretty cut and dry OCD right here from my experience. Also from my experience, the best we can do is ERP with these like any other thoughts.
Yeah it just feels really convincing. I even researched one thought I had and turns out it’s a valid thought and I’m probably blowing it wayyyy out of proportion, but it still is distressing Bc I absolutely don’t wanna think these things.
And also remembering that having the thought doesn't define who you are, just like having a harm thought doesn't make you a harmful person.
I struggle with that. “What if I say something racist” etc
i have in the past
How in the world did you differentiate the real thoughts you believe from ocd being a straight bitch?
perhaps! would you be comfortable with elaborating? :) if not, no worries! i'd imagine what i've experienced might be similar, so yes.
It’s just racist thoughts that come into my head and send me into panic. I then delve into if I actually believe these thoughts or not, then I end up convincing myself I do of course. And then I confess and confess and confess.
@Lovepurple And I genuinely cannot tell if I think these thoughts. And sometimes I catch myself trying to justify the thought in case I do really think that. And that sends me into a further panic.
@Lovepurple 100% right there with you in that case. it's so stressful to not know which part of you that's coming from! especially if you're informed and somewhat educated on racism/racial injustices, the guilt and confusion and panic can be overwhelming. i feel ya, friend. you're certainly not alone here! 🖤
@theoprue Ugh ir sucks! And I am a full supporter of BLM and equality. So these thoughts stress me out to the max, especially when I think theyre coming from my own mind and I go and try to justify them. Like I need this to stop.
@Lovepurple in my book, as long as you're not projecting these wack-ass thoughts on the world around you, if you can separate yourself from the thoughts enough to not let them bleed into your actions, then you're on the right track, you're doing the right thing. just keep trying to better yourself, whatever that looks like, and be kind to yourself while you work on it :)
i have issues with this and it i hate it. whenever i go out and see a non white person my mind screams at me that I'm going to say a slur or something insensitive. I feel so bad because i think so much about I'm worried that because i think so much about it I'm gonna end up actually saying it and really hurting someone
I freaked out once thinking I was gonna be damn to hell because I didn’t like my mixed ex boyfriend when I was with him
Sometimes i think everyone on the right is evil. I ask myself “how can i love people with values different than mine?” I struggle accepting the fact my parents political beliefs are different than mine. I love them so much but it baffles me. We have talked and they say its fine to have different opinions but i can’t help but wonder if i’m doing something wrong by having my beliefs. And then with all the economic chaos today in the US, I can’t help but think that I was right about everything and I just feel like it is my fault that the world is in turmoil. Idk. I think i wish i could stop thinking about it but ever since the election cycle began around a year ago it has been dominating my life. I question myself, i question others, i appear very extremist and rigid and i don’t like it. I want my OCD to go away. Its apparently OCD but it feels so real right now. Can anyone relate? What are yalls thoughts on this subtype?
I wanna start out by saying, I am really proud of how far I've come in recognizing my OCD tendencies and learned about how it can show up intersectionally for BIPOC folks who have racialized trauma and how me, being a White person, how it manifests itself for me. I'd also like to say, this is gonna be more of an analytical and reflective post. Please feel free to read and respond with any critiques or thoughts you have. I'm embarrassed about it nowadays, but it's important to acknowledge because it was a HUGE part of my teenage personality, unfortunately. I used to be a HUGE Shane Dawson fan 😭 like, his content was my strongest hyperfixation to date. So at this point in time, I feel like I'm still trying to decipher what kind of racial commentary and satire and jokes are genuinely funny and which are just perpetuating stereotypes and straight up minstrelsy. Shout out to D'Angelo Wallace for making the video essay that woke me up to seeing this issue more clearly. I try to be aware of how I can easily fall into just laughing at racial stereotypes without being aware of the serious consequences it has for BIPOC people, but at the same time, I don't want to be too worried about everything being racist and therefore that means it's bad and should be banned, cause that's also not always helpful, I've noticed. So racialized fear and polarization is something I'm deconstructing. I hate to admit this, too, 'cause it's embarrassing, but my OCD seems to latch onto racial issues. I end up obsessing about whether or not I'm causing marginalized people harm or not, particularly when it comes to racism. I believe this is because I know I was one of those White kids who was into "edgy" humor when I was a teen. I think it's just lingering guilt from knowing that was wrong, but OCD makes my guilt and rumination and therefore compulsions to "fix" it so much worse than most people. It's frustrating, but I have come a very long way in confronting and dealing with it. I'm very proud of myself for being aware that that's an issue I have. I've got to give credit where credit is due, to my biracial friend (who also happens to have OCD) for essentially helping me learn this, albeit the hard way with many arguments about racism and trauma. It's something that isn't talked about much, but we're learning to build bridges in our understanding of how mental health affects us as people with different forms of racialized trauma. Mine's not so much trauma, but social stigma, whereas his was from actual bullying and harassment and physical assault, simply because of his race. I've also learned how to recognize and deal with my own mental health issues WHILE confronting race because of Black advocates like Tony Nabors who does Racial Equity Insights, F.D. Signifier who does really great intersectional analyses on social issues pertaining to Black people, and D'Angelo Wallace for being the first Black YouTuber that made the problem with Shane Dawson video that finally helped me break out of my lowkey toxic parasocial/trauma bond relationship I had with him, lol. Does this post seem too wordy and analytical for this forum? Let me know if this isn't the right audience for this type of writing and reflection. I just wanted to talk about it because it's something I had to figure out largely on my own. Wondering if anyone else relates to this or can see themselves in this.
I've been having a really tough time lately with a recent workplace interaction that occurrd today, and my mind just keeps replaying the events over and over. It feels like an endless loop, and I'm finding it incredibly hard to let go. I'm trying to figure out if this intense replaying is more about my OCD, or if it's a typical reaction to a stressful situation that's being amplified by my OCD tendencies. The specific details of the incident involve a colleague engaging in a racially insensitive discussion that I tried to disengage from. Despite my attempts to steer the conversation away and remove myself, the situation escalated with direct confrontation and accusations. This led to significant emotional distress for me. Later in the day, the same colleague misunderstood another conversation, making baseless accusations and publicly confronting me in a very aggressive way. I kept quiet throughout, just a bit of muttering. The emotional toll of these interactions has been immense. Now, my mind is stuck. I can't seem to stop dwelling on every word, every gesture, and every imagined alternative outcome. Hoping I'm not viewed as the "angry black woman" which is such an affair narrative why can't I state grievances of racism, without this narrative. * how do you manage the relentless replaying of stressful workplace interactions? What are your go-to coping mechanisms when your mind gets "stuck" on these loops? * Have you found any specific strategies helpful for navigating interpersonal conflicts at work when your OCD makes it difficult to process and move past them? * When you're feeling emotionally vulnerable due to work stress, what helps you prevent these situations from turning into prolonged rumination cycles? Any advice or shared experiences would be incredibly helpful. I'll be so grateful for any assistance. I just feel like I'm not good at life.
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