I cant breath and live like This, a week ago or something i was in vacation in Montenegro, we stayed in a hotel but had to switch hotel the last days. When it was getting time to eat (the clock was around 8 not in the morning but midnight) i didnt Know what to wear, my mom said that i could wear the dress i had, When i wore the dress i kept kinda asking mom if i should really wear This cause i wanted my mom to decide. And thats because i was scared that if i wore the dress i would do something to any kids out there, it sounds really dumb ik but my brain had their own reasons, pretty much because of the dress i wore. I was feeling anxious but i just wore it and we got out of our room. We took the elevator downstairs and went to the dining place. We picked what we were gonna eat and took them With us to the table, the thing is When we sat down i still havent picked something to drink so i took my cup and went to those machines. Now This is what im constanly worrying and thinking about. When i poured the cola on my cup i went back to my seat (atleast i hope so) and sat down, not Even minutes passed and i already thought «what if i did something to a kid when i was gonna Get something to drink» i just decided to not think about it but then i thought «what if the reason im not going to think about it is because i actually did it and had no problem With it like it isnt a big deal for me» so i kinda panicked inside me and asked my mom how long did it take for me to Get something to drink and come back, basically i dont think she likes When i Ask things like that because she Know why i do it. I think she went like «wth Are u talking about? U literally just walked away and came back» so i think she meant it didnt Even take 2/3 minutes. Later that night i couldnt stop worrying. The next day was actually the day we were going to leave montenegro and When we were about to go out i was thinking what if the Childs socks or anything Are in the counters and is the proof that i have done something but we didnt have time to stay in the room anymore so we took the condo and left. Right now im in belgium and i cant trust myself anymore. I dont want to live With a fact that i have hurt someone like that. My mom thinks its really ridicilous if i Ask her about This. I cant deal With things anymore what if i actually have done something like that, i literally just want to die at This point im still anxious over This.

I worry people might get the wrong idea when I share this but I must post it because I’m scared so basically this is gonna sound weird but I have always sorta been a violent kid but in a normal way if that makes sense like if someone tris over I would find the ridiculously funny but what kinda confuses me is when loved ones hurt themselves I laugh it’s not like I’m putting it on idk I just randomly laugh and i find funny please don’t think I’m a bad person because I’m really not and I’m scared abt this but that’s not the point of this story so I will get to the pint now so basically I was walking upstairs and I hit my head on the door and my mum laughed at me and I said “its not funny I hit my head” and she said something else that made me angry I can’t remember and then I started to charge at her like I was gonna hit her or something and it scared me cuz I wanted to push her or something ( not harmful just like as a back off kinda thing) which I know it’s horrible writing it out but then while I had that urge to push it her or something I also got a groinal so then OCD was like ”you were gonna s3xualy attack just then and you liked it” and now I’m to scared to go near her just in case it happens again cuz I’ve been in a spiral for days now, again please don’t tell me I’m a bad person cuz I already feel like that cuz writing it out it sounds worse then it is irl im sorry if this was triggering and please reply and tell me your thoughts on this.

my panic attacks have been getting worse when the thought of harming someone comes up and today, it reached a high point, i was in the kitchen with my mom, trying to get over my fears of being near and just eat, but when my dog came in and heard me eating and walked in, i got triggered and thought i was one second away from hurting him or mom so i left the kitchen but before i could, i grabbed the scissors and panicked, and tried to get my mom for help but she was occupied, then i was trying to focus enough to put down the scissors but i couldnt and went into panic mode, i couldnt think, i couldnt focus, i slowly inched the scissors towards my mom thinking i might actually stab her in my stressed and panicked statem slowly inching the scissors towards her and scared, then she saw me, simply looked at me and said "what are you gonna do huh?" like she wasnt afraid, and that was enough to snap me out of it and put down the scissors, then i walked back to my room and here i am, trying not to call myself a monster but cant help but keep looking back at that moment, cause i really really felt like i could have...

I'm at my college and don't feel like being here. I didn't even want to come here. I woke up with anxiety bc i feel like i need to solve this. I had a bad stomach ache when i arrived to school and still havent even eaten breakfast yet bc i feel like i have to solve this. Im just so worried bc i have harm thoughts daily. If i could i would remove this! I dont want to think anymore. Its just, how do I know i dont have real urges when I'm feeling a negative emotion like anger or disappointment or annoyance? Im worried EVERY time i feel a negative emotion. Yesterday I was playing video games with my neice (we are close in age range) and she made us lose. She started blaming me and I guess i felt a little annoyed, it really wasnt my fault (dumb mini argument it was more playful since we started laughing but it was a bit annoying). Anyway i got a harm thought while feeling annoyed of me getting off the couch and lunging at her to attack. I immediately look at my bodily reaction and I tense up to stay as still as possible. My stomach was hurting and i wanted to leave as fast as possible. I stood up and turned off the game and said i was tired while making sure to stay back from her (and i had my hands away and stiff) but i felt so uneasy. I laid I bed and felt sad and heavy. And i kept getting thoughts that said "íts only a matter of time before you can't take it anymore". I started to reassurance seek using ai to ask if i was about to or if they are real urges or thoughts i mean until i eventually fell asleep in the middle of the compulsion. Im just so worried, what if I act out impulsevly one day? I dont want to! But what if when feeling a negative emotion, i suddenly dont care and do something? I really dont want to! I dont even want to feel negative emotions anymore since they trigger the thoughts and I dont want to think about any of that. As a result i tend to avoid my family as much as possible bc they are annoying sometimes. I just wish i was all alone sometimes so i wont get any more thoughts and so everyone can be safe. I usually just stay in bed under my blankets all day long to avoid my family and pets. I am constantly uncomfortable. I miss when i would never think any of this. Living life has become very scary for me now. 😞