An OCD theme of mine is true. This isn’t the OCD telling me this either, it’s definitively true and I have proof of it outside of intrusive thoughts. I don’t know what to do. I feel so horrible and can’t think straight. I feel nauseated and lightheaded and I feel like I’m in a sick horror movie where I’m forced to watch myself act in ways I can’t control and don’t want, but I’m powerless against it. All I want to do is kill myself or hurt myself. I don’t want to be alive anymore. There’s no point to any of this. I have absolutely nothing and realizing that this theme is true only is showing me that I have even less of a reason to live. I don’t want to exist. I don’t have anything that makes me happy or gives me purpose or makes the pain go away. There’s nothing anymore. Please don’t comment to peddle religion onto me. I have desisted and don’t plan on returning to faith.

m at the point where every night I contemplate going to the ER for my terrible thoughts. For the past 2.5 years I’ve been struggling with extremely bad existential ocd/nihilism. One day I woke up and had a nihilistic thought and since that day I’ve had severe nihilistic and suicidal thoughts. I truly don’t wanna do anything because in the end we die. In the end life is meaningless because we die. I feel almost delusional bc these thoughts feel true. Anything I do my brain goes “why are you doing this? It’s not gonna matter” I’m getting married in June and I don’t feel anything. I don’t wanna do anything. I don’t care to. I have to quit my RN job at the hospital because of this terrible theme. I don’t see a point in anything. Life doesn’t make sense. Death terrifies me. And life feels meaningless. My life is ruined. I hate ocd I hate it.

Existential ocd is deeply affecting me. A lot of people say death is equally as meaningless, I do agree, however, if life is mostly suffering and anxiety to me, then death is not as equally meaningless. It seems logical. I have severe ocd and my life is just suffering, so if life is meaningless, it’s logical for me to not see a reason to keep going. I’m not necessarily depressed. Just incredibly aware of how pointless this all is? There’s no end goal to any of this. It baffles me of how people can care about money and materialistic things, because what’s the point? You’ll die in the end and nothing will matter. ****please please please do not tell me to get into religion I’m begging you****

(Long post warning) Hi, I’ve been struggling with severe OCD for six years now. it started in 2019 with my theme being getting sick/emetophobia. it devastated my life. I almost didn’t graduate high school from it. I remember washing my hands for three hours one day until they were nearly bloody while crying and asking why I could not stop doing it. I remember id have to write and rewrite sentences when I did my English homework and that’s why I nearly failed that class. I remember how I would spend up to thirty minutes to an hour pacing the halls of my apartment while my mom was asleep until I neutralized the thoughts about throwing up and I could finally go to bed. I don’t know when it happened, but my theme switched. Sometimes in late 2020 or early 2021, it switched to POCD. It started with a single thought, and I focused on it and it’s been my theme since then for four years. It has been absolutely destroying me. I feel so disgusted and lost and just tired. My compulsions are severe now. I thought they were bad before, but now they’re ten times worse. I can’t eat, drink, change my clothes, walk, or even do things on my phone normally. I’ve developed so many mental compulsions that it’s so intricate and complicated yet at the same time I’ve done them so much that they’ve become normal. An example I have is if im putting on a shirt and I have a “bad” thought, I have to take it off and put it back on two more times (that’ll make it 3 times I put the shirt back on - odd numbers are my safe number). I have to have a good thought on the third time otherwise I have to take it off and put it on two more times to make it five times I put on that shirt. If not that then I just put on a different shirt because the original is now tainted with my bad thought. I can’t open apps on my phone. It’s with the numbers again. If I open TikTok once while having a bad thought - I have to close it and open it two more times and so on. Sometimes I do it up to 30 times. So I just don’t do things usually. I don’t turn on the TV because I know I’ll redo it. I don’t open a book or grab it off my shelf because I’ll have to repeat the action. I can’t even lay in bed without getting up and redoing it even if im exhausted. I just feel so helpless. I don’t know what to do. I feel disgusting and even now my minds screaming at me that I am dirty and what I think is true. I just wish I was free of this, I wish I could just live my life. I’ve wasted hours and days because of my compulsions. I mask it so well around my friends. I don’t do them in front of anyone or I’ve learned to hide it well. But when im back home alone, it goes haywire. I just want to live again.