Apologies in advance for the babbling. I'm kind of scared to have therapy. I mean, I've had it twice before (not for OCD, just for general stuff) but I never really felt an impact from it. It may have been because both instances were child therapists that would report back to my mom. I've never been comfortable with indulging information about mental illness with my parents, because they'd react quite badly. For example, when I was ~13 I had suspected that I had Autism SD, specifically Asperger's, since I fit the bill. I told my mom, and she told me that I did have Autism, as I had a Speech Therapist when I was a baby who informally diagnosed me with it. But of course, I was "cured" from it. She didn't really believe in me until years later my sister got a PWD card for her own mental illnesses. Then, she let me go to my sister's therapist in hopes of getting a second discount-I mean diagnosis. I didn't really want to go to that specific therapist because he may already have an impression of me before I even met him, but every other therapist nearby was booked. I hated talking to him. I felt like I had to put on a nice girl show because most of his questions revolved around my school and other patients he'd talk about. I prefer taking my time to explain, but he just kept cutting to the chase and saying "That's normal" befote I could finish explaining. The first two sessions were unsuccessful, and the therapist just said I was normal. I decided to just spill all the beans on the third session, but the pandemic stopped me. I was supposed to continue online, but my mom asked if she could have the therapy instead because she was so stressed. Context: Separated parents, dad paying for most things, including therapy. I caved in. Now, my dad thinks that I still have therapy, so I literally can't pay for a session anywhere. I can't use insurance either, because I'm from another country and I don't have medical. I barely have any money saved up because my mom takes it too. On top of that, I'm terrified of having online therapy at home because I don't want any of my family members hearing me. I share a bedroom with my nuclear family (excluding dad) and the walls are extremely thin. The closest thing I have to privacy is my phone passwords. None of them know that I suspect myself to have OCD, and my mom literally told me (not in English so it's not verbatim), "I can't have two children with mental illness," so I guess my slot's been taken. I've been telling myself to wait until college so I can utilize services in school, but don't know how much longer I can stay sane. If anyone has any suggestions that are hopefully free, please help a gal out! I guess I'll be posting more often?