anyone else scared theyre a bad person? and get worried and try to find parallels to prove they’re not evil when watching movies and stuff?

Input please. Whenever I have a thought or come across something like news about pedophilia or other awful things, I feel like I try to make it okay in my head. Like I am trying to explain it away, excuse it. And when I look at that from a more compassionate lens, I think maybe I am just trying to process something bad. Maybe I am trying to make something horrific feel a little less horrifying so I can keep existing in a world where it happens. Because the truth is, whenever I hear about something terrible, it does not just go away. I do not have that ability to shove it aside and move on. I have to live with it. I carry it. I live my life alongside these awful things that exist. But then, when I look at it through a different lens, it gets darker. Maybe I am not trying to process something bad. Maybe I am actually trying to justify it. Maybe I am trying to convince myself it is not that bad… because deep down I agree with the people who do it. Or maybe I am afraid that if it were not so stigmatized, I would somehow be okay with it. And that thought worries me. I know that why someone holds moral values is not as important as the fact that they do. I know that what matters is your actions and your commitment to being a good person. It still scares me. I keep asking myself: am I trying to justify something awful just so I can mentally survive it, or am I trying to justify something awful because some part of me agrees with it?

TW: SEWERSLIDE WARNING I’m scared to continue living because I don’t want the worst to happen. The worst being me discovering I’m a sociopath, pedophile, ephebophile etc… I have people I don’t want to disappoint. I keep looking for an excuse/something wrong with me so that I can decide whether I want to continue living or just end my life and save myself from the embarrassment of my loved ones finding out. At the same time I’m afraid to die. I feel like I’m not making a lot of progress in therapy. The only thing keeping me going right now is the thought that maybe one day I will find out that I’m not a creep, a sociopath &/or an ephebophile. At the same time living everyday is hard with all this looming over me. Some days I feel like I can continue no &’s ifs or buts. Other days I feel like im my own cheerleader & i am actually this bad person i think i am. I am so confused. Yesterday this thing came up where i suddenly find myself thinking a 17 yr old actor is attractive mind you im 21 yrs old.. idk if this is arousal nonconcordance or what it is honestly..I’m just afraid that it says something about who I am.. maybe that’s why I like guys my age with smaller bodies because it reminds me of a younger person??? Idk

so like i was like researching spirituality and i saw that when spiritual awakening happens you kind of question yourself and your values then i saw a shadow work video and they said if you judge someone its because somewhere deep down youre like them , so im scared what if im a pedo and someone did a tarot reading on me once and i dont really remember the exact words but they mentioned something about how im avoiding the truth or something like that and the first thing that came to my mind was being a pedo and incest and recently ive been ignoring all the thoughts cause i was exhausted from doing so many compulsions then i got scared that if i go to therapy they will just tell me what i want to hear. im so scared