- Username
- hate_ocd.123
- Date posted
- 3y ago
I doubt anyone is gonna read all this. I just needed to vent somewhere. Into the void 🗣 But if you did read this and reach the end, you’re the best kinda people & here’s a gold star: ⭐️
i am so sorry to hear that you have gone through all of that , you deserve so much better. look , these people have hurt you , traumatized you in so many ways. you don't have to forgive them. cutting off people is good for you. going back to them will cause so much more pain , i promise that. don't feel horrible bc you don't wanna forgive them. you did that for you , for your mental health. anyways , i hope you'll find happiness one day
First, thank you. You’re words mean a lot. So much more than you even know. It’s so hard for me to not just force myself to forgive someone. I always try to consider how other people feel, cause they never considered how i felt. And i try to put myself in their shoes to understand better. But i do make mistakes and am rude sometimes. Secindly, This all would be so much easier to deal with if i didnt struggle so badly with hocd. Even now my hocd and instrusive thoughts are going haywire, it’s like i can never catch a break:(
@hate_ocd.123 no problem! and i get it , ocd always finds their way to make things more difficult. it's exhausting actually. you deserve so much more. you deserve people who actually cares about you. for your ocd i recommend listening to podcasts , maybe it'll help you a bit!! i hope you'll feel better bc you deserve it <3
you don’t owe anyone forgiveness EVER. but if you choose to forgive people, then power to you! and if you choose to forgive nobody, power to you! your mental health and happiness is so so important! i’m sorry that you have gone through those things. your kindness doesn’t need to be forgiving, sometimes not forgiving people id kindness in itself. do what makes you happier, you aren’t responsible for anyone else’s happiness. i hope you feel better soon<333
Thank you so much, your words mean a lot. And thank you for reading, that was incredibly long haha
you're finally prioritizing yourself and pinpointing who hurt you, and this alone needs so much strength!! i have never heard of someone as strong as you! whether or not you choose to forgive them is up to you, because forgiveness is hard, it really is, especially when you've been hurt so much by so many people you loved. don't hate yourself for not being able to forgive them. you literally don't have to. if forgiveness to you is closure, then go on, but please never forget what they did. i am not trying to fuel you with rage, i am just trying to tell you that IF you do, set boundaries, and let them be firm. on the other hand, if cutting them off is closure to you, then do so! don't feel bad cause they're "family" or at someone point they were close to you, they didn't feel bad when they were relentlessly hurting you and blaming you for it. i understand your parents would be the hardest to emotionally "separate" from, but if you are willing to forgive them, don't be fooled by their present kindness. it sure is super nice if they've changed, but again, BOUNDARIES. until you feel safe and comfortable enough, don't let your guard down. it's not about being "tough" and "cold hearted" towards them, sure you can still have all the fun with them and be as close as you wish, but just be careful because doing so will unravel shit ton of trauma. i am honestly the worse at advice, i myself have a manipulative mum. one moment she's just the monster in my nightmares and the other she gaslights me because she "never did that" and them starts acting nice and it makes me think "is it my fault for being so angry at her and saying all those bad things about her?". anyway, just please be careful, i love you and care for you, and you are the most amazing and strongest person i have ever heard of, so please take care and if you need me i am here for you, always❤
I'm truly sorry to hear all this. I know this may seem pretentious, but i think you do deserve happiness so be kind to yourself first and foremost. I also suffer with hocd and my brain tell me that I'm attracted to guys, even though i know i always want to be with a woman. I'm sorry about that stuff you had to hear about denial. Hopefully better days are showered on you 👍
How can I forgive myself for the mistakes I made as a teenager (maybe 15 through 18 or 19 I don’t remember exactly) when at the time I had no bad intentions I just didn’t understand what I was getting into? How can I forgive myself for being so dumb? I should of known. But unfortunately now dealing with real event and other themes trying to find “proof” it’s so exhausting and unsettling especially when the worst case scenario about my self and my past comes up literally every day and I have to fight it with “maybe, maybe not”…when will it ever go away. Do I even deserve for it to go away? No matter who I’ve told whether it was a parent or a therapist they all say the same thing…….let it go……..how am I supposed to do that. I want to do great things in life. I want to make up for all I have done wrong. I want to help people but I can’t even help myself. I hate myself. I don’t even like myself at all. I would go back in a heartbeat. But I can’t. I’m stuck in this mental hell. Will I ever be ok again…….
I’m going to rant while trying to be as concise as possible. I stopped taking my lexapro a few months ago because I truly felt like I had the coping mechanisms I needed, and I was tired of the vertigo I’d get if I forgot to take my meds for even a day. I got thru withdrawal symptoms and was doing SO well for over a month. Then I was triggered by an event relating to my past- I had a 10 year friendship end terribly in 2022. My OCD was telling me it all all my fault and that I was projecting all of my insecurities on the friendship- I know objectively that both of us were hurt, and both played a role in the friendship. I let the OCD win and compulsively apologized to my ex best friend, taking ALL of the blame for the friendship. I also said i wanted to reconcile, which is not true. She hurt me so bad, and I’ve never had as much peace as I have without her in my life. I only said that in a moment of not seeing the situation for what is truly was. She, however, was fine with me taking all the blame and said I clearly had “more clarity.” This has sent me into a spiral for the past MONTH where all I can think about is this. I feel like I’ve been sucked right back into the past. I’m also graduating in a month and I’m super busy with work right now. Everything has completely piled up and I’m so fucking exhausted. If anyone has compulsively taken all the blame in a situation where both parties are at fault, I’d love to hear your stories to know I’m not alone in this :( I scheduled a psychiatry appointment to get back on meds (not lexapro- I want to try something else because lexapro made me feel so numb). It just feels like no matter what coping mechanisms I do, nothing helps. I’ve tried just letting the thoughts sit without engaging; they persist. I exercise every single day, but all I can think about is this situation. I have regret for A. Reaching out in the first place, B. Taking all of the blame and C. Disrupting her peace by letting a compulsion drive me to reach out. I know that I hurt her as well and I’m disappointed that I let this reopen wounds for both of us. While it would be ideal for us to end on good terms, it’s not possible, and it was impulsive of me to reach out thinking that would be achievable. In her reply she stated that reconciliation was not possible. Throughout my friendship with her I felt as though my feelings were never validated. If I was upset, it was my fault for “misunderstanding her.” If I didn’t communicate being upset, it was my fault for not communicating. Now, I’m upset with myself that I gave power to her after having finally been free from that friendship and all of the pain that it caused me.
Theres so many effed up things i’ve done or said in the past which still bother me to this day. One day i’ll have one obsession, like ROCD over being scared i’m cheating on my partner, then another day i’ll have POCD because of a past experience with an underaged friend, and im just so burnt out from all the thoughts and overthinking. I feel like the most horrible person each and every single day, a constant urge to confess, a constant feeling like im a traitor, and then thinking im just using OCD as an excuse for everything. Im so SICK OF IT ALL. I can’t catch a break. There’s too much going on in my head, like this constant rumination and analysis and then compulsions to search up these obsessions. However searching up things relating to it is probably the most harmful and worst mistake for me, because then I see stories of allegations e.g like dream being exposed for grooming a minor and people exposing others for other vile acts and it just triggers me so much, because it feels like I BELONG on there but never in my life would i actually want to do such things, and if everyone knew what i did then i feel like everyone would agree i quite literally deserved to be burned at the stake. Should i just get a therapist at this point or can i get through this myself with the use of some mental gymnastics like i’ve been doing the entire time? I feel too much guilt, it’s eating me up alive.
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