*Trigger warning sensitive topics* i have a question about forgiving So my entire life i’ve always been super forgiving to the point I’d force myself to forgive constantly and blamed everything on myself. But it’s gotten to the point where I dont wanna forgive anymore and I can’t. My entire life, because i took the blame for everything and I’ve always stood up for what I believed in, I’ve ALWAYS been the bad guy. In every story. I can name so many times where I was bullied and it was my fault. I was abused and it was my fault. And i always accepted it. I accepted that i could’ve done better and i deserved it. Now this last year, i’ve been treating everyone in my life like kings and queens regardless of what they’ve ever done. And so much i found out after i did so. I had a toxic ex that I always went back to for three years cause i never loved anyone as much as i loved him. He gave me peace of mind. Took away my ocd thoughts. But He always lead me on. I was the girl on the backburner for him. If someone better and more approachable, and less hated came along, he’d go for her and come back to me. He even said he hated how he was never able to get over the thought of me. He told people he would never like me cause i was me, but he was in love with “everything about me except the dramatics.” (He called my mental health dramatic, and he thought I lied about my life. He later found out I never did, but it was too late) He painted this version of me in his head that was nothing like me, and made everyone believe it. All his friends terrorized me our senior year of hs, and i forgave him. But this last time he just started dating a girl after leading me on again, and i told him i never want to speak to him again. And he keeps reaching out (its been six months), and i just can’t forgive him. I can’t do it. Then my older brother. The notorious older brother i’ve ranted about before. I’ve never been able to stand him, but i’ve been trying to be better. I forgave him for all the times he hurt me & made me feel uncomfortable. I got really close with his fiance, she’s one of my best friends, and i tried to strengthen our relationship to not jeopardize my friendship with her. But back in March, he blamed my sexual assault on my parents, told me I wasn’t allowed to be a bridesmaid, and how everythings my fault and im horrible fucking human. He got kicked out then he started crying about how he never felt loved. And i wouldn’t speak to him. He had no fucking right to talk about my sexual assault that literally fucked me up in more ways than he’ll ever know. Then recently, he told me my ocd isnt real and that I’m just a lesbian in denial and since ive obsessed about being a pedo i should go to hell and how many problems i have, then he had the audacity to say he was sexually assaulted by the same man i was and I screamed at him cause there’s no record of that (this man was a serial pedophile) and i just lost it. He talked about how traumatic his life was when it was literally based off my trauma (like second hand trauma). And i’m not undermining his trauma, but it’s when he talks about it and tries so hard to transform it into his I’m like WHY DO YOU WANT THIS?? Like my trauma and the shit and abuse I’ve been through ISN’T FUN! I’m mental and struggle to live on a daily basis with huge body pains that’ll make me never forget…. And idek i cant forgive him. I’m so angry. Then my best friends. When i broke things off with my ex this year, they were horrible. They were there for him, not for me. When i was depressed they weren’t there. Yet, i was on the floor with one of them at 3am when they’re were feeling suicidal. And the two i was best friends with (we were a trio), were friends before but i thought we got past that cause it’d been like five years. But one finally cane forward cause she felt so guilty for the years of shit she put me through, and finally admitted that nothing was ever my fault. It was always them and they just didn’t want to handle the blame, cause they didnt think they were capable of being mean, so they put it on me. And one of them even said it was hard for them to accept that i was a better friend to them then our other friend ever was, but she just couldn’t believe it for the longest time cause of everything everyone said. Than the other one was labeled as perfect and the nicest person in hs, yet she was awful to me too. I never did one thing to her, and i own up to what i did wrong!! She was my best friend and she was horrible. She allowed her “friends” to terrorize me, and she was the one who started it. They literally made a list of everything wrong about me. And then proceeded to go back to them, and got mad at me and told me everything was my fault when I got mad at her for going back to them. And i told her “if i did that, we wouldn’t be here talking. But i wouldn’t do that, and you know that too. Regardless of the person.” And its so hard cause none of us are close anymore cause they did stuff to each other too, and they asked me if i could ever be close with them again and i said “we can be friends, but our friendship will never be the same.” And i just dont know how to forgive them either. And then just everyone else. For years I was blamed and I was the bad guy. It was always ME. When i literally just existed. And finally, after years people are now saying not everything is my fault. That i was too nice. That they blamed me cause i was an easy person to blame, i accepted it. They didnt want to take responsibility so i took responsibility to everything. And my parents. They’re finally getting better after years of yelling at me. They realized what they were doing, insulting me and stuff, was breaking me. Now i’ve never seen them so concerned for my mental health and they’ve never been so nice to me. And now everyone is being nice to me, and talking to me, and just wanting me back in their life. But i CANT! They painted me as such a horrible human for years thinking i could handle it, but i couldn’t and they broke me and they feel bad. They’re kindness is out of guilt and pity, and it disgusts me. I hate them for it. Why couldn’t they just realize what they were doing was breaking me? Why did it have to take me being so lost and broken and mental and in my head for everyone to finally admit the truth to me? Why am i so sad when my life is finally going okay and i have no form of abuse, bullying, or chaos going on? And all of this would be so much easier if FUCKING HOCD WASNT THERE!! And it’s just, i can’t forgive them and i feel horrible. I dont want to forgive them and i hate it. I’m slowly forgiving my parents. Those are the only people. Besides that, i’m so angry. My body is littered with bruises and cuts from self harm cause i dont know how to handle it. I hate this more than anything. I don’t hate me, i hate what’s been done to me to become this. I hate my ocd, anxiety, depression and everything. I hate how my feelings contradict what i want and i constantly if what i want is actually what i want. I hate that so many people are so evil. I hate that i was targeted by a man so young in life. I hated that it happened again later in life. And the excuse was because I was me. That’s always people’s excuse. “Cause you’re you.” It’s led to so many horrible things. I hate this. How do i forgive everyone?? How do i just forgive them all?? When everyone in your life terrorized you for years, cause they thought you were “so strong” and “could handle it,” only to realize you can’t and come crawling back with guilt. I even said to people, unless you can erase the past, nothing will ever be the same. I’m so exhausted.

I would really appreciate it so much if someone took the time to read this and help me. I don’t know what to do anymore. I haven’t posted here in awhile. I had my OCD managed pretty decently for a year or so on medication, but I had to stop taking it, and after around 3-4 months, the OCD has become unbearable again. It used to be much more surrounding existential themes, eating, and others, not really real event/false memory stuff. But now it’s gotten really out of hand and I don’t know how to do it anymore. It’s surrounding a time of my life a long time ago. It was a dark time. I wasn’t myself and I was going through a lot of things, and I did a lot of things I regret. I self-destructed, embarrassed myself, and wasn’t good to the people around me. I was able to get my mind off of it for a long time, even though I would still think about it a good amount. I was able to be in the present, at least moreso than now. But now that I’m off medication, the guilt has become my obsession again. I can’t move on. I can’t do anything without thinking about all of these memories. I’m obsessed. I’ve started hating myself again, so much so that it’s hard to do anything anymore or believe I deserve anything good. The people around me tell me it wasn’t even that bad, but to me it was. To me, I failed myself, lost myself, and failed everyone around me. I can’t stop thinking about every person I said something wrong to or every time I screwed up. I’ve now started to convince myself I did terrible things I can’t remember, and that my mind just can’t deal with it. And that’s why I feel so guilty. There’s nothing to really support this though. But I’m starting to really convince myself that’s true. I’m trying not to listen to it, because I’ve convinced myself I have hit people with my car before and haven’t remembered when I absolutely didn’t and I know I never have. I drive back over and over to check there’s no one, even though I never heard any bang or felt myself anything. I can convince myself of some crazy false memories. So I know that I shouldn’t listen. But it’s hard not to when I have this guilt gnawing at me constantly. I come to conclusions that this guilt must be because I did something terrible that I don’t remember, even though I already think the things I remember were bad enough. But I would know by now right? If I did something bad I don’t remember? I don’t feel like this all the time. But it’s a lot of the time. But maybe that should be reassuring, that I only start obsessing like this when I think to. The past haunts me though. And I can never be in the present. I’ve started to resort to some unhealthy behaviors to distract myself or help me work towards something. I am starting to hate myself so much and feel like there’s no way I’ll ever be able to get out of this loop. I feel like I just can’t do this anymore. Maybe I need to go back on medication. But I don’t know. I don’t really want to. But will I ever fix this without it? Why do I feel SO guilty, all of the time? I do all these things for people because I feel indebted to them, because I feel undeserving of everything. I feel awful about myself. I don’t know what to do. Does anyone else deal with this?

I really need help. I am severely dissociated to where I can’t feel joy for anything at all. I’m stuck crying all the time. I have a history of emotional abuse from my father growing up so it’s made it really hard to trust people. He verbally abused me and never made me feel good enough. Then he died when I was 21 and I dont remember him telling me he loved me even then. Or a time when he meant it unless I accimplished something. It always felt empty. I tend to sabotage relationships and don’t mean to and find flaws in everything. I even get jealous of children and never wanted any in fears that I wouldn’t be as loved as much as them. And fear I would bring on the traits to them that my father did to me. I realize everything I do is an OCD compulsion and also I have such deep rooted fears. Fear of the future, but also the past. I loop about my husbands appearance even though I love him dearly and I dont want to think that way and it makes me sick. I think about the past and how he brought up things in confidence after we got married because he trusts me and he felt ashamed, but it still spiraled me out due to my own insecurities and my brain is like “what if you never accept his past and can’t move on from it”. Finding out new info spirals me out even if it’s something I know he legitimately cannot change or control and it was not anything that someone should not have been able to move on from. Even though I have a past myself???? That is 20x worse than his. My brain adds extra meaning. I constantly fear that I’m being cheated on or will be left, or how things can go wrong at any point. I’m afraid of having kids because of what I just mentioned as well as the fear of medical intervention and something going wrong. I’m afraid of people dying. I’m afraid of people hating me and I’m a huge people pleaser. I feel like everything in life I’ve never done for myself, and I have a huge fear of being by myself. I have constant compulsions and have since I was a child. But right now I’m at a breaking point and I’m like what do I want to even live life for if I’m so jealous and afraid of everything. And I never do things for self enjoyment. I have like no self identity at all and I always feel like I have to tell people about my achievements or how I feel in hopes that the little girl inside me will be heard. Am I too far gone with having these thoughts and also complex PTSD with the OCD? I feel like I’m stuck in a perpetual hell. I haven’t had a breakdown this bad since I was 11 years old. I spent 4 months crying and crying not knowing what was happening to me. Then I snapped out of it somehow. But I’m an adult now and it feels like my life is crumbling around me. I’ve been so scared to work because of fear of criticism due to the emotional abuse which I’m just now putting together… and also because of not trusting myself. I always ask for outside opinions. And I fear things going wrong all the time. I quit my last job due to POCD because I was working with children. And now that I’ve reached a point where I feel like there’s just ambiguous questions with no answers I felt a switch flip in my brain. For the worst. All my emotions shut off and it’s just been hell on earth with constant thoughts and dread and self loathing. I’m so tired of feeling afraid and alone. And I know a lot of it is a bunch of inner pain. I’m not even really looking for sympathy I just feel like I’m beyond help because of all I’ve been through. I can’t feel hope right now and it’s really scary. I have had pretty much every OCD theme there is and have lived my whole life in constant fear and anxiety. ROCD (main theme right now), POCD, HOCD, SOOCD, Health OCD (big one right now), existential OCD, religious OCD, fear that my husband and I won’t be together after we pass. Or that I’ll be replaced by another person if I were to die. Or if he dies before me. Plus I feel sad when friends say certain things or anything triggers abandonment. I am so caught up and I know it takes a mindset shift for this to all get better, but how with so much working against me? I’m so terrified. And I’m self hating so bad.

Recently I (16m)feel hopeless I feel so sick and sad idk what to do I feel lost I feel like a monster everything has been hell, and I don’t know how to move on from the never ending guilt . I did awful things when I started high school, thinking being sexual was the way to connect.(idk if all of this was because when I was 8 I was shown explicit content by my older brother) I crossed boundaries, overshared, and kept flirting with friends and making sexual jokes, even after they said no (all over text). One friend stopped talking to me and can’t even look at me now. I feel like a monster. Why shouldn’t I be locked up? If I got therapy, I feel like I’d be sent jail. Idk if I can move on. Then there were these 2 guys who were older than me one was 16 one was 17. The 16 yr old was introduced to me by my online friend who is my best friend and I begged the 16 yr old for pics (idk how it started but after my friends ex randomly messaged me and sent me pictures and then blocked me right after I think I became addicted to chasing that high) the 16 yr old eventually sent me a pic but it was real and I stopped bugging him on it after that but i feel so bad I did that but my friend tells me not to feel bad cause the guy was weird but I still feel bad. Then the 17 yr old I did the same thing with him but went too far when I tried getting pics from him by using my best friends ass pics she sent me (she was 15) I don’t think I grasped how wrong this was but that’s not an excuse she eventually found it when I told her after she tried getting pics from the guy herself to try and help me and the guy got mad when she stopped talking to him cause we found it weird talking to him. I told her about how I sent the pics she said she felt sick but forgave me cause she thought I was gonna harm myself. Fast forward the guy told me after I had still been flirting with him that I s@d him (we never met in person ever) and I felt so guilty and apologized a lot and he got annoyed and told me that he had been kinda manipulative to me and kept me in a loop of mystery and I don’t talk to him anymore. But one of my other friends stopped talking to me after I was being by too emotionally taxing on him because I became very depressed and didn’t wanna life anymore and tried to stop lifing a few times. And now idk if I actually s@d someone if I did that to someone and now I think I’m a pdo and I think I s@d my baby cousins and my little brother and now I’m scared bf I can’t even get help because my parents don’t believe in therapy and even if I wanted to I’m scared because I don’t want to go to jail but I think I deserve it honestly why should a monster like me live.i wish I could move on like my older brother and maybe he shouldn’t idk who seems to not feel guilty maybe this is what I deserve idk I feel like I can’t go on I’m in my junior year and I saw one of the people and immediately just got crushed with the guilt and spiraled of how actually shameful I am if I tell any of my friends they’ll just leave or worse