*Trigger warning sensitive topics* i have a question about forgiving So my entire life i’ve always been super forgiving to the point I’d force myself to forgive constantly and blamed everything on myself. But it’s gotten to the point where I dont wanna forgive anymore and I can’t. My entire life, because i took the blame for everything and I’ve always stood up for what I believed in, I’ve ALWAYS been the bad guy. In every story. I can name so many times where I was bullied and it was my fault. I was abused and it was my fault. And i always accepted it. I accepted that i could’ve done better and i deserved it. Now this last year, i’ve been treating everyone in my life like kings and queens regardless of what they’ve ever done. And so much i found out after i did so. I had a toxic ex that I always went back to for three years cause i never loved anyone as much as i loved him. He gave me peace of mind. Took away my ocd thoughts. But He always lead me on. I was the girl on the backburner for him. If someone better and more approachable, and less hated came along, he’d go for her and come back to me. He even said he hated how he was never able to get over the thought of me. He told people he would never like me cause i was me, but he was in love with “everything about me except the dramatics.” (He called my mental health dramatic, and he thought I lied about my life. He later found out I never did, but it was too late) He painted this version of me in his head that was nothing like me, and made everyone believe it. All his friends terrorized me our senior year of hs, and i forgave him. But this last time he just started dating a girl after leading me on again, and i told him i never want to speak to him again. And he keeps reaching out (its been six months), and i just can’t forgive him. I can’t do it. Then my older brother. The notorious older brother i’ve ranted about before. I’ve never been able to stand him, but i’ve been trying to be better. I forgave him for all the times he hurt me & made me feel uncomfortable. I got really close with his fiance, she’s one of my best friends, and i tried to strengthen our relationship to not jeopardize my friendship with her. But back in March, he blamed my sexual assault on my parents, told me I wasn’t allowed to be a bridesmaid, and how everythings my fault and im horrible fucking human. He got kicked out then he started crying about how he never felt loved. And i wouldn’t speak to him. He had no fucking right to talk about my sexual assault that literally fucked me up in more ways than he’ll ever know. Then recently, he told me my ocd isnt real and that I’m just a lesbian in denial and since ive obsessed about being a pedo i should go to hell and how many problems i have, then he had the audacity to say he was sexually assaulted by the same man i was and I screamed at him cause there’s no record of that (this man was a serial pedophile) and i just lost it. He talked about how traumatic his life was when it was literally based off my trauma (like second hand trauma). And i’m not undermining his trauma, but it’s when he talks about it and tries so hard to transform it into his I’m like WHY DO YOU WANT THIS?? Like my trauma and the shit and abuse I’ve been through ISN’T FUN! I’m mental and struggle to live on a daily basis with huge body pains that’ll make me never forget…. And idek i cant forgive him. I’m so angry. Then my best friends. When i broke things off with my ex this year, they were horrible. They were there for him, not for me. When i was depressed they weren’t there. Yet, i was on the floor with one of them at 3am when they’re were feeling suicidal. And the two i was best friends with (we were a trio), were friends before but i thought we got past that cause it’d been like five years. But one finally cane forward cause she felt so guilty for the years of shit she put me through, and finally admitted that nothing was ever my fault. It was always them and they just didn’t want to handle the blame, cause they didnt think they were capable of being mean, so they put it on me. And one of them even said it was hard for them to accept that i was a better friend to them then our other friend ever was, but she just couldn’t believe it for the longest time cause of everything everyone said. Than the other one was labeled as perfect and the nicest person in hs, yet she was awful to me too. I never did one thing to her, and i own up to what i did wrong!! She was my best friend and she was horrible. She allowed her “friends” to terrorize me, and she was the one who started it. They literally made a list of everything wrong about me. And then proceeded to go back to them, and got mad at me and told me everything was my fault when I got mad at her for going back to them. And i told her “if i did that, we wouldn’t be here talking. But i wouldn’t do that, and you know that too. Regardless of the person.” And its so hard cause none of us are close anymore cause they did stuff to each other too, and they asked me if i could ever be close with them again and i said “we can be friends, but our friendship will never be the same.” And i just dont know how to forgive them either. And then just everyone else. For years I was blamed and I was the bad guy. It was always ME. When i literally just existed. And finally, after years people are now saying not everything is my fault. That i was too nice. That they blamed me cause i was an easy person to blame, i accepted it. They didnt want to take responsibility so i took responsibility to everything. And my parents. They’re finally getting better after years of yelling at me. They realized what they were doing, insulting me and stuff, was breaking me. Now i’ve never seen them so concerned for my mental health and they’ve never been so nice to me. And now everyone is being nice to me, and talking to me, and just wanting me back in their life. But i CANT! They painted me as such a horrible human for years thinking i could handle it, but i couldn’t and they broke me and they feel bad. They’re kindness is out of guilt and pity, and it disgusts me. I hate them for it. Why couldn’t they just realize what they were doing was breaking me? Why did it have to take me being so lost and broken and mental and in my head for everyone to finally admit the truth to me? Why am i so sad when my life is finally going okay and i have no form of abuse, bullying, or chaos going on? And all of this would be so much easier if FUCKING HOCD WASNT THERE!! And it’s just, i can’t forgive them and i feel horrible. I dont want to forgive them and i hate it. I’m slowly forgiving my parents. Those are the only people. Besides that, i’m so angry. My body is littered with bruises and cuts from self harm cause i dont know how to handle it. I hate this more than anything. I don’t hate me, i hate what’s been done to me to become this. I hate my ocd, anxiety, depression and everything. I hate how my feelings contradict what i want and i constantly if what i want is actually what i want. I hate that so many people are so evil. I hate that i was targeted by a man so young in life. I hated that it happened again later in life. And the excuse was because I was me. That’s always people’s excuse. “Cause you’re you.” It’s led to so many horrible things. I hate this. How do i forgive everyone?? How do i just forgive them all?? When everyone in your life terrorized you for years, cause they thought you were “so strong” and “could handle it,” only to realize you can’t and come crawling back with guilt. I even said to people, unless you can erase the past, nothing will ever be the same. I’m so exhausted.

I have recently entered a phase of extremely obsessive thoughts of every mistake I’ve ever made. Things from over a decade ago, things that happened recently, or even things currently happening like my own thoughts and feelings that I have no control over. Ever since I was little I have been a habitual liar. For the most part, I just tell little white lies or exaggerated stories. I even lie about things that don’t matter at all, like if I’ve seen a certain movie or something. But I have also lied about some serious things, like bad things happening to me, like abuse or SA. (DISCLAIMER - I’ve never accused anyone of these things to the police or anything like that). I hate that I’ve done this and I feel so disgusted with my behavior. I’ve been obsessing over this and unable to forgive myself or feel better about doing this. I feel like such a sick human being. I know most of the reasons for why I lie—attention, sympathy, to seem more interesting, to relate to someone, or to even pretend that my life is better than it is. I never ever have any bad intentions when I lie, but I know that doesn’t mean a whole lot. Sometimes I lie so naturally that I don’t even realize it, and sometimes I lie to the point that I actually believe what I’m saying. Somethings wrong with me and I don’t want to be this way anymore. I hate myself and I feel like I’m being tortured with this guilt. I feel like I don’t deserve to ever feel better because this is a result of my own actions. I have a group of girl friends that I met online that I’ve known for about 3 years. I lied about and insinuated that bad things had happened to me to them, because I wanted to relate to them and maybe because I wanted sympathy. I was actually emotionally abused by my ex, and he did kind of get physical with me one time (if I’m remembering correctly, but my OCD doubts if that even actually happened), but I have exaggerated and said that I was abused physically. I also have portrayed my life to be completely different than it is, because I hate my life and I like to pretend that things are better than they are. In a way, I feel like it’s a form of escapism. When I talk to them, I can pretend that I’m a different person. A more interesting, less pathetic, and more relatable person. I’ve lied to them so much that I can’t even begin to remember them all, and I feel so disgusted by myself, and the guilt of this is adding onto my other debilitating guilt. I can’t stop obsessing over it and I feel like I’m an awful person for this. I feel like I don’t deserve to feel better. I’m unable to function, and I can’t forgive myself no matter what. I know that if I confess to them, they’ll be disgusted by my behavior and not want to speak to me again. Especially because I lied about things that are so sensitive. And they’re perfectly within their right to feel that way and to reject me. I don’t know if I can handle the rejection and stress of confessing at this moment in time. I also just can’t even remember all of my lies. But if I keep talking to them, I’ll have to upkeep my lies, and I know I’ll never get better if I keep having to lie. None of my lies have caused them any actual harm, most of my lies are harmless, and it’s not like I’ll ever actually meet them in person, but I feel like I’ve gone against my morals, and I know that it was wrong. Even though my ex is an awful person and put me through hell, I feel bad that I’ve told these girls online that he’d abused me when he actually hasn’t (other than the one time he sorta got physical with me). He even has been going around telling people things about me and degrading me, and this has been going on for nearly 10 years. But I know it was wrong to lie about that regardless of what he’s done or what he’s actively doing to me. The girls don’t have his full name or info or anything like that, they just know his first name and that he’s my ex and that he “physically abused” me. I don’t ever lie out of malice. My dad is a pathological liar and he’s never received help, and I feel like I’ve learned his behavior. I especially feel bad because one of my online friends gave me an extremely expensive gift for my birthday last October, and I didn’t ask for it or anything or manipulate her into giving it to me, but I feel awful that she gave me a gift when I’ve lied about so many things. It’s also not something I can give back since it was an online thing, and I genuinely don’t have the money to pay her back. I feel like I’ve been living a lie and that it’s unfair to them. I am so so scared to tell the truth. I think I’d be less scared if I was only admitting it to one person, but I’d be admitting it to three. I know that they’ll think I’m terrible, disgusting, and that they’ll hate me, and then they’ll probably talk about how awful I am with each other. Which is perfectly justified. I just am so scared of it. I’m in a really bad state of mind. I can’t function and all I do all day is lay around and obsess over all my mistakes. I know the lying is out of my control to a certain extent and that I have a problem and mental illness, but I still can’t forgive myself. I feel disgusting and awful and like I’m a bad person and no matter what I do, I’m reminded of it. I feel like I’m going crazy and that I deserve to feel this way for what I’ve done. And I feel hopeless because I feel like I won’t ever feel better from this unbearable state unless I confess, but I really don’t feel like I’m ready. Every day I become more and more certain that I’m terrible.

i don’t know what changed, but in the past 1-2 weeks something switched in my brain and now i am obsessing over every mistake I’ve ever made, and i firmly believe the guilt i feel is justified. i am a pathological liar and i’m realizing i may have lied about more things than I ever intended to. i think i tricked myself into believing some things and now I feel awful that I’ve lied to myself and others about so many things. my mind is a mess and i can’t even tell what is a lie and what isn’t anymore. i also feel like i’ve been taking advantage of my boyfriends family who has financially supported me for these past few years, because i had convinced myself and everyone around me that my physical health & mental health was worse than it actually was. i never meant to take advantage or hurt anyone, but i can definitely say that i became complacent and comfortable living these past few years without having to worry about work, school, or really anything. i think i used “not feeling well” as an excuse to not do anything because i was too afraid to leave the house and function in society. i feel so awful and disgusted by my behavior and the guilt is eating me alive. i even feel bad using my phone because they pay for it, and feel bad being in my apartment for the same reason. i feel like everything about me is a lie and they’ve been paying for and supporting a person completely different than they thought. maybe i’m not who I portrayed myself out to be at all. i’ve felt so disgusting and so awful i can barely stand it. this morning i woke up feeling like i was suffocating, my chest hurt so bad and i felt like there was absolutely no way out. i really felt like i was dying. other than the lying, i’ve felt awful about things i did as a child where i didn’t know any better, or i even feel bad about my own thoughts and emotions that I have no control over. my mom says i’m being too hard on myself, and that i can’t help that i lie, but i don’t believe that. i think i deserve to feel this way and that i’m not being hard enough on myself. i lied and took advantage and therefore i deserve to suffer. i caused people to worry for me when it wasn’t necessary, when i was fine. i deserve to feel so guilty that i’m nauseous, i deserve to feel ashamed. i feel like i don’t deserve to eat or feel better, even though i desperately want to. i feel so guilty and so shameful i literally can’t function. i want to escape this feeling so bad, i want to get out of this guilt that’s keeping me from moving on and improving myself. i acknowledge that i have a lying problem, that it’s a mental illness, but i am ashamed of it and feel disgusted that i’m this way even though i can’t help some of it. i truly don’t know what to do or how to have compassion for myself. probably a good idea to share that my dad is a pathological liar and never received help, and i’m pretty sure i learned this behavior through him. not to mention all the stuff i did as a kid that i feel bad about, or the fact that i feel bad about things i can’t control. and i even feel bad about finding certain things funny. the guilt is killing me and i don’t know how i’m ever supposed to become a better person if i’m so sure that i’m undeserving of ever feeling better. in my head i truly feel like im a monster. i feel like i’m having a crisis because i’m realizing i lied about a lot of things without even really realizing it. or i deceived myself into thinking things. and I’ve lied about things for sympathy, for attention, to make myself seem more interesting, or to make me seem less pathetic than i actually am. i’ve lied about some serious things, and i’ve lied about things that don’t matter at all. i don’t know how to keep living. i want to go home to my apartment and be in my safe space, but i feel disgusting being there when i’ve taken advantage of my boyfriend’s family, even though it was never my intention. no matter what I do and where i go, i feel wrong. because i’ve done so many bad things and i can’t forgive myself. i feel so morally wrong i can’t stand it and i don’t see things ever getting better. i feel like I’m going crazy and i feel so alone. i can’t escape this guilt no matter what. and i feel overwhelmed because I know this isn’t something that can be fixed quickly. am i ever gonna be able to live without shame ever again? am i ever gonna be able to do the things i love again? the things that brought me comfort? nothing brings me any comfort, and i spend all day in bed or sitting around doing absolutely nothing because i can’t distract myself. i can’t stop thinking about all the things i’ve done no matter how hard i try. i obsessively read and look up online things to try and find reassurance. i feel like i’m going crazy. and i just feel so sorry. to everyone. and i’m so extremely ashamed of my behavior. i can’t stop obsessing about the past, the present, and the future. don’t i deserve to feel this way when i’ve lied and done bad things? even if it wasn’t my intention, or if it’s a result of a mental illness? don’t i deserve to feel debilitating guilt when i’ve been a bad person? even though i know i never had any bad intentions, i don’t think it matters. am i gonna feel this way forever, where everything i do or everywhere i look, im reminded of the the things ive done?

I would really appreciate it so much if someone took the time to read this and help me. I don’t know what to do anymore. I haven’t posted here in awhile. I had my OCD managed pretty decently for a year or so on medication, but I had to stop taking it, and after around 3-4 months, the OCD has become unbearable again. It used to be much more surrounding existential themes, eating, and others, not really real event/false memory stuff. But now it’s gotten really out of hand and I don’t know how to do it anymore. It’s surrounding a time of my life a long time ago. It was a dark time. I wasn’t myself and I was going through a lot of things, and I did a lot of things I regret. I self-destructed, embarrassed myself, and wasn’t good to the people around me. I was able to get my mind off of it for a long time, even though I would still think about it a good amount. I was able to be in the present, at least moreso than now. But now that I’m off medication, the guilt has become my obsession again. I can’t move on. I can’t do anything without thinking about all of these memories. I’m obsessed. I’ve started hating myself again, so much so that it’s hard to do anything anymore or believe I deserve anything good. The people around me tell me it wasn’t even that bad, but to me it was. To me, I failed myself, lost myself, and failed everyone around me. I can’t stop thinking about every person I said something wrong to or every time I screwed up. I’ve now started to convince myself I did terrible things I can’t remember, and that my mind just can’t deal with it. And that’s why I feel so guilty. There’s nothing to really support this though. But I’m starting to really convince myself that’s true. I’m trying not to listen to it, because I’ve convinced myself I have hit people with my car before and haven’t remembered when I absolutely didn’t and I know I never have. I drive back over and over to check there’s no one, even though I never heard any bang or felt myself anything. I can convince myself of some crazy false memories. So I know that I shouldn’t listen. But it’s hard not to when I have this guilt gnawing at me constantly. I come to conclusions that this guilt must be because I did something terrible that I don’t remember, even though I already think the things I remember were bad enough. But I would know by now right? If I did something bad I don’t remember? I don’t feel like this all the time. But it’s a lot of the time. But maybe that should be reassuring, that I only start obsessing like this when I think to. The past haunts me though. And I can never be in the present. I’ve started to resort to some unhealthy behaviors to distract myself or help me work towards something. I am starting to hate myself so much and feel like there’s no way I’ll ever be able to get out of this loop. I feel like I just can’t do this anymore. Maybe I need to go back on medication. But I don’t know. I don’t really want to. But will I ever fix this without it? Why do I feel SO guilty, all of the time? I do all these things for people because I feel indebted to them, because I feel undeserving of everything. I feel awful about myself. I don’t know what to do. Does anyone else deal with this?