Im on 4 hours of sleep and I don't like taking naps at all when i actually need to. I keep obsessing over being protective with my time and obsessively looking for jobs, careers, high paying job, whether or not to go back and finish college but what degree? Choosing a degree for money(computer science) or fulfillment. Also thinking of working a Full time job i keep obsessing, if i have time for side hustles if I work 8 to 5. It's getting stressful im glued on my phone and YOUTUBE compulsively trying to find which PATH do I need to take. Its also hard to see myself holding down a job long term and in my mind I don't like rude bosses or managers or confinement, I have been indecisive and not taking action on anything good at all these past 2 to 3 months. Its hard to be consisent and theres too many options and choices, its driving me crazy. I don't want years going by not saving a good amount of money and not hitting at least one things. I TRIED a commision based job for 3 years so far(I'm 23) its a tough career if i were to go back would have done so many things differently. I feel lost, defeated, weak, and also disappointed. I keep changing my damn mind too. Also i have this urge to prove some family members wrong, idk why I care so much about people's validation, acceptance from people why do I base my decisions towards that. Its like i really want to them im worth it, im valuable, etc. I like the admiration or feeling respected but why do I CARE about this? In my head i got a million of ideas and path It's hard to stick out a plan.

I’m 21. The 3 year anniversary of my graduation from high school is soon. Lately, I’ve been worried about where I’m going in life and if it’s even worth it because I don’t know why I exist or what my purpose is After graduating I lost a new job I loved due to poor management on my boss’s side, they failed to teach me my job then fired me for it, and moved from my mom’s house into my dads house due to issues with my stepdad, both of which put me into a depression. I got a new job 3 months later. But ever since being fired and moving out, I feel like I’ve been in a depressive cycle of Eat, Sleep, Work, Repeat. I’ll get home and doomscroll for hours, and occasionally play games with friends at nights. Occasionally I’ll do my hobbies but usually feel guilty for it. I don’t see my friends and family nearly as much as I used to. I want to, but it feels like everything I want to do, my intrusive thoughts find a way to keep me at home. “It’s a waste of time.” “You need to be productive on your time off or you’ll go nowhere in life so stay home.” But then if I stay home it’s “you need to go out and do something.” “You’re being unproductive sitting at home all day.” “Seeing them wont make you feel better, you’ll never be happy” My girlfriend lives 6 hours away and is usually the only time I’d go outside and live and feel in the moment, but even then I’d feel guilt. I feel like my OCD makes me feel guilty for everything. She’s helped me a lot, but lately we’ve had a few issues we’ve worked past that made me fear for losing her too. I’ve felt depressed for years now. Before being fired, I usually felt pretty good and was almost normal feeling. I’d had control over my fears and intrusive thoughts of suicide and the meaning of life, and had accepted them and wasn’t afraid. I knew it wasn’t me. But lately I’ve been trying to push myself out of this depressive cycle, and it’s made my OCD and fears of suicide and if life has meaning, come right back. I’m handling it slightly better, but it’s still hard. I just want to move past this and stop questioning why I’m even doing anything, if I want to end it all, when I know for certain I don’t want to and that I get to make my own meaning in life. I have dreams, I want to get back into art. I want to move in with my girlfriend eventually and start a family. But my OCD makes me so scared to even try to make art, and it makes me so scared I won’t be happy or content with my dreams. I feel so alone and sad. I feel like life will pass me by while I’m stuck feeling this sad and scared. It sucks, but I’m trying my best to get there. Gotta keep moving

I’m new to NOCD and just wanted to share my experience to see if anyone else can relate or has any thoughts or advice. My thing is needing a system or some kind of digitally saved reference (online article/notes app) to make decisions on how to live my life and spend my time- then I get super caught up in what is the objectively “right” system to have which never really leads anywhere- over the last 6+ years I’ve probably changed this system over 100 times because at some point I realized it wasn’t “right”. At best, I stick with a system for months and be pretty free from OCD but at worst I can go months where I only experience intermittent periods of living free from OCD and spend hours and hours putting my life on hold trying to figure out what the right system is or to answer and figure out impossible answers to completely subjective things. I get a lot of regret over all the time and life I’ve wasted in this cycle, and feel kinda like everything I’ve done in previous systems was “wrong” so I try to fix that by undoing some of those actions. I think part of the root of this is wanting to control so many parts of my life and the fact that there are other parts of life I could be experiencing, ways I could be improving, and that there is so much out there that I could never ever do or experience all of it leads me to try to figure out some system that gives me a better feeling of control over this. If anyone reads all this that’s awesome- lmk if this resonates with you at all

This is gonna be a long one: So a little over a month and a half ago, my OCD started to spiral again. I’ve had ups and downs with it in the past, my main themes often changing. When I was younger it as afraid I’d run away, in middle school it was germs. But as I got older I started having intrusive thoughts of the meaning of life, suicide, and dying, with those fears being my common themes now I’ve gotten a lot better since it started back up, but lately have been panicking because I’ve had intrusive thoughts that my methods of trying to heal are wrong. I’m 21, and for the last 3 years have lacked ambition and haven’t pursued my dreams or things I want to do. I just sleep, work, eat junk food, and play games or watch YouTube on my time off. Things I still love, but after years of living this way, I’ve hit a breaking point and want to start doing more with my life and the people in it Yet, almost EVERY new thing I’ve been trying to do or start, I’ve been having thoughts that they’re wrong or won’t help. Here’s some examples: I’ve started trying to eat a bit healthier, and my brain is telling me it’s not gonna fix me and I’m just avoiding food I like (junk I know makes me tired and sad). Then the moment I indulge in even one unhealthy food item, it tells me I’m failing at taking better care of myself and that junk food just numbs the feelings Same with video games. I tell myself it’s okay to play them as long as it’s not to avoid anything or they don’t take up my life like they have been. The second I do I feel guilty, say it’s cheap dopamine and hindering me from being productive and that I’m numbing my feelings again Same story for everything. Trying to walk and go outside more. Head tells me I’m avoiding being home because it makes me anxious. Then when I stay home it tells me I’m wasting time I could be spending outside or with people I love I’ll wanna spend time with my family or friends because I’ve been a hermit for years and miss spending time with them. When I try to, head tells me I can’t because then I’m avoiding the issues I have and seeking reassurance, and that I need to learn to tolerate this alone. But then when I stay home too long, I get anxious and sad because it does make me happy being around them even if I’m not seeking reassurance, and they genuinely do help me feel better (for example I saw my grandparents last night and talked about my feelings and desire to actually go out and live life, and they helped me understand uncertainty is part of life and I should do things I want anyways and even helped come up with things I may like to try doing. Now my brain tells me it’s bad to get help or open up about my pain) I’ll have racing thoughts in my head and I’ll be arguing with myself over rather it’s better to face them head on, ignore them, or let them run their course. It feels like no matter what I do, I’m feeling guilty and shame for it. As if any attempt at feeling pleasure or doing something that makes me happy is “avoiding the problem”, like I HAVE to focus on my intrusive thoughts, anxiety, and sadness 24/7 otherwise I’m “avoiding/burying it again” I know not to avoid these things and it’s best to confront them (if they’re real problems I have like relationship issues and insecurities and loneliness) and learn to tolerate the anxiety and uncertainty of life and OCD, but my attempts at “helping myself” are quite literally what I feel is currently keeping me so miserable. They’re sucking whatever joy I have in life out, telling me it’s bad, and that I have to feel this way all the time so I can “learn to tolerate it” I’m just so scared of doing all of this wrong, and I think my OCD I knows that and is currently using that to toy with me. I want to be healthier and happier, but then I feel guilt and fear for not being healthy 24/7 and indulging in not healthy things like video games and the occasional junk food. Anybody else ever felt this way?