Does anyone else struggle with, what I found through a NOCD article, is termed "Race OCD". I constantly worry that I'm being perceived as racist. I'm white, I consider myself to be an ally of BIPOC and to work on being anti-racist. Lately though, I get hit with a ton of intrusive thoughts about coming across as racist when I speak to a BIPOC, which causes anxiety, which my anxiety probably then appears racist to the other person. I can't imagine what BIPOC have to endure on a daily basis just because of their skin color, so I'm not trying to make this about me. I'm just wondering if I'm alone in this or if other people struggle with this OCD theme. To be honest, it's pretty severe and it's scaring me, because this "theme" feels opposite to what I value & who I am. I can tell that other people notice I'm anxious, and I just hate that I'm displaying nervousness because im sure it makes the other person uncomfortable. It's like my OCD/anxiety has found another thing to torment me with because I care about being anti-racist & being an ally to BIPOC. It feels so disgusting to me that I'm triggered when I pass by or interact with a BIPOC though. I know I'm coming off as anxious. I know it because I'm trying so hard not to be perceived as racist, that interactions just get weird, anxiety filled & awkward & I'm sure the other person is like wtf this person is a racist. I just hate my brain.

I wanna start out by saying, I am really proud of how far I've come in recognizing my OCD tendencies and learned about how it can show up intersectionally for BIPOC folks who have racialized trauma and how me, being a White person, how it manifests itself for me. I'd also like to say, this is gonna be more of an analytical and reflective post. Please feel free to read and respond with any critiques or thoughts you have. I'm embarrassed about it nowadays, but it's important to acknowledge because it was a HUGE part of my teenage personality, unfortunately. I used to be a HUGE Shane Dawson fan 😭 like, his content was my strongest hyperfixation to date. So at this point in time, I feel like I'm still trying to decipher what kind of racial commentary and satire and jokes are genuinely funny and which are just perpetuating stereotypes and straight up minstrelsy. Shout out to D'Angelo Wallace for making the video essay that woke me up to seeing this issue more clearly. I try to be aware of how I can easily fall into just laughing at racial stereotypes without being aware of the serious consequences it has for BIPOC people, but at the same time, I don't want to be too worried about everything being racist and therefore that means it's bad and should be banned, cause that's also not always helpful, I've noticed. So racialized fear and polarization is something I'm deconstructing. I hate to admit this, too, 'cause it's embarrassing, but my OCD seems to latch onto racial issues. I end up obsessing about whether or not I'm causing marginalized people harm or not, particularly when it comes to racism. I believe this is because I know I was one of those White kids who was into "edgy" humor when I was a teen. I think it's just lingering guilt from knowing that was wrong, but OCD makes my guilt and rumination and therefore compulsions to "fix" it so much worse than most people. It's frustrating, but I have come a very long way in confronting and dealing with it. I'm very proud of myself for being aware that that's an issue I have. I've got to give credit where credit is due, to my biracial friend (who also happens to have OCD) for essentially helping me learn this, albeit the hard way with many arguments about racism and trauma. It's something that isn't talked about much, but we're learning to build bridges in our understanding of how mental health affects us as people with different forms of racialized trauma. Mine's not so much trauma, but social stigma, whereas his was from actual bullying and harassment and physical assault, simply because of his race. I've also learned how to recognize and deal with my own mental health issues WHILE confronting race because of Black advocates like Tony Nabors who does Racial Equity Insights, F.D. Signifier who does really great intersectional analyses on social issues pertaining to Black people, and D'Angelo Wallace for being the first Black YouTuber that made the problem with Shane Dawson video that finally helped me break out of my lowkey toxic parasocial/trauma bond relationship I had with him, lol. Does this post seem too wordy and analytical for this forum? Let me know if this isn't the right audience for this type of writing and reflection. I just wanted to talk about it because it's something I had to figure out largely on my own. Wondering if anyone else relates to this or can see themselves in this.

I've been having a really tough time lately with a recent workplace interaction that occurrd today, and my mind just keeps replaying the events over and over. It feels like an endless loop, and I'm finding it incredibly hard to let go. I'm trying to figure out if this intense replaying is more about my OCD, or if it's a typical reaction to a stressful situation that's being amplified by my OCD tendencies. The specific details of the incident involve a colleague engaging in a racially insensitive discussion that I tried to disengage from. Despite my attempts to steer the conversation away and remove myself, the situation escalated with direct confrontation and accusations. This led to significant emotional distress for me. Later in the day, the same colleague misunderstood another conversation, making baseless accusations and publicly confronting me in a very aggressive way. I kept quiet throughout, just a bit of muttering. The emotional toll of these interactions has been immense. Now, my mind is stuck. I can't seem to stop dwelling on every word, every gesture, and every imagined alternative outcome. Hoping I'm not viewed as the "angry black woman" which is such an affair narrative why can't I state grievances of racism, without this narrative. * how do you manage the relentless replaying of stressful workplace interactions? What are your go-to coping mechanisms when your mind gets "stuck" on these loops? * Have you found any specific strategies helpful for navigating interpersonal conflicts at work when your OCD makes it difficult to process and move past them? * When you're feeling emotionally vulnerable due to work stress, what helps you prevent these situations from turning into prolonged rumination cycles? Any advice or shared experiences would be incredibly helpful. I'll be so grateful for any assistance. I just feel like I'm not good at life.

I know confessing is not necessarily positive all the time but it’s important for me to say this anonymously so that I can say it one day to my therapist. I have become terrified to look at Asian people. My ROCD attached to my boyfriend’s racist past in his early teens, and despite his genuine effort towards change and the fact he’s been an incredible partner to me as a POC We’ve had some amazing conversations and he had made so many choices (dropping friends, reporting racism in institutions, standing up for me, advocating for minorities online, boycotting) that prove he has truly changed over the years. However my OCD’s attachment to his past has become the main theme of my life and was the reason I first sought therapy- I felt like I was going insane, like there was a physical, staticky, black wall between us. I’d have images of people of colour and things I knew he had said flash in my mind. I feared and imagined the judgement of all around me, while being genuinely happy to be with him. Last summer while in conversation he almost said a racial slur regarding Asian people (while reading it and referencing it). He stopped himself before he finished the word and apologised profusely. But it spiralled me into a depression- for a while I almost couldn’t even get out of bed. I felt debilitated. It made me realise there was something wrong. Since then (over a year) I feel genuinely fear, sometimes edging on terror when I see, talk to or interact with Asian people. On social media I can’t watch them in videos, in person I find myself between staring and being unable to look. It makes me feel disgusting. I’ve convinced myself it means I must be truly, deeply racist, even though I’m a POC. I’m getting better, over time, but also I’m so afraid still. I want to watch their content, I want to form authentic friendships, but my brain tells me I have betrayed them, that they wouldn’t want to be my friend, that they would hate me, that I don’t deserve to be in their spaces, that I’m racist and so is he. I’m not yet ready to tell my therapist. But u am grateful to have told all of you.