Just venting...sharing my experince. Very afraid, but going on meds and seeking treatment from NOCD. Triggers: False Memory OCD about Cheating and POCD I have struggled with what I assume to be False Memory OCD for about 10 years now... I'm a 33 y/o female. I've gone to a couple of therapists, one a specialist who was the first to ever recognize the sub-type of OCD I was likely dealing with. My flare ups happen when I'm in a relationship, and I will have this sudden thought/fear that I was sexually inappropriate with someone (perhaps someone I was working with, had been around). Eventually a scenario will pop into my head, or I'll *create* a scenario, and mentally check/compulse for HOURS and MONTHS to see if these things really happened. I'll go back and forth thinking these things happened and didn't happen. They end up feeling very real, and I can never decipher 'deep down' if they truly happened or not. It's just this cycle of "Review, Review, Review, eh maybe this didn't happen, Review, Review, Oh GOD I think this happened....did this really happen? Do I really think this happened? Oh god I did...I need to figure this out some more..." I've had many scenarios in the past where I've eventally gone to the person I thought I may have done something innapropriate with, and they reassured me it was all in my head. And then at one point I had one where I mostly convinved myself I sexually abused my boyfriends child....I became suicidal. Fast forward to now, I'm in a new relationship of about 8 months with EASILY the love of my life... In the past 4 months I've had two instances where I had thoughts/fears 'latch' on: 1) I became convinced I was sexually innapropriate with a friend and 2) months later another where I got it in my head I slept with my boyfriend's best friend when he visited us for a night. In particular with that last one, at the end I became pretty damn convinced I snuck up into the loft and slept with him. I get these thoughts and scenarios in my head, then mentally review and imagine those scenarios to see if they happend. Particularly with the second one, I become pretty damn convinved I did it....a certain image will really 'stick' and it's like omg shit...I think that happened! But I eventually checked with both people, who both reassured me I had done NOTHING by any stretch of the imagination. Just as I was starting to accept maybe this was all just my OCD, I had a fear/thought latch on that I was sexually innapropriate with my boyfriend's 3 year old nephew the last time the three of us went out and I was alone with him...about a few months ago in the spring. Initially I was like oh shit...not THIS scary stuff again...I'm just going to ignore it. I've seen him multiple times since then, even this last weekend...SURELY if I had done this stuff it would have been in my conscious before and I would KNOW." Well, now I have a scenario in my head that I kinda think happened...it feels like it did when I imagine it and do those mental reviewing/compulsions. And I'm torn up over it...it makes me want to throw up and just...die. It's horrifing. I spend all my time memory reviewing...." Did I do this? Lets imagine it and see...oh my god I think I did this! Did I really?? No, this has JUST got to be your OCD bullshit....but then why am I thinking this happened when I imagine it?! I would KNOW if I had done this...do I know? Am I just not admitting it to myself because I am scared?" And the cycle of fear continues. I don't even have a deep gut belief that it DIDN'T happen....just like, "I would HATE myself if I had done this. I don't want this to be true, it's HORRIFIC!" So I just spend my time in complete fear and depression, and then I'll get pissed and be like "NO. It's your OCD. It pretty much fits your patterns, so if it walks and quacks like an OCD duck...it's OCD! And you KNOW you cannot trust your mind to 'figure out' if you truly did these things or not." Which gives me peace b/c then I don't have to believe my thoughts when I think these things happened....but then I feel like I'm just in denial and using that as an excuse to not have to deal with the ramifications of having done this shit. And around we go. If I look at my patterns of OCD over the past 10 years, it certainly fits my pattern...but this last one with the child I pretty automatically got into the headspace of "omg I think I did this!" when I imagine the scenario and mentally review. And it's just like....WTF, I would never want to do this! The first time I thought I hurt a kid it mortified me and I wanted to die! And here it is again and I'm terrified and wouldn't want to live b/c I'm a terrible person. Yesterday I decided to call my doctor and have been put on Clomipramine....I've always gone unmedicated b/c I'm afraid of anti-depressent side effects. I'm also going to get help from a NOCD therapist. I've told my boyfriend all of these things and he is SUPER supportive and loving, for which I'm grateful. I'm just really scared. He told me IF something did happen with his nephew, we would get me help b/c obviously I'm not that type of person and I self- shame and self-flagellate way more than anyone who ACTUALLY does these things would. I just...would be devastated if I did this disgusting thing to a child. I'm just so afraid I'm thinking it happened b/c it did happen....but then another part of my brain is like you KNOW this shit pretty much follows your OCD patterns and latched onto you like OCD does. It's OCD brain, and you CANNOT trust your thoughts. So take the leap of faith it is OCD... I'm just also afraid that it's real....if it is, there is no way my boyfriend should be with me. He wants to eventually get married and I couldn't do that to him....to his nephew...to their family...I would hate myself for forever and just live my life in solitude b/c I'm no good for this world or for anybody, and ruined my relationship with the love of my life. Not sure why I'm posting this ....I guess hearing other people's struggles makes me feel less alone. It's isolating in my own head.

Hi I kept seeing this app on repeat on TikTok over and over and I thought I give it a shot. I have never been diagnosed with OCD but I know that I have it. I’m a young adult and I found out the first time I had OCD was watching lelelons truth video? I was 14 at the time She had to resist sitting back down in a chair after her having sat down she started having a mental break down when she was told to resist. That’s when I knew. It started with myself going up and down a staircase twice buckling unbuckling my seat belt everytime I’m in the car ect I have always been super anti social but trying my best I can socialize but my mind wants to make it sexual with family and friends ughhhh I hate it because that’s not me when I graduated thoughts of hurting my loved ones corrupted my mind I broke down outside of church one time asking if this was really me or not i question if I’m a good enough friend or person in this world to begin with thinking everyone is judging me so so close how can I make this situation better did I do something wrong I struggle with depression as well not to bad but it’s there I come from a loving family but broken as well i believe in god and my OCD makes me go often he’s not real that stuff isn’t real no one is there to save you the list goes on. Anyway I struggle a lot and I really hope that this will help me because I feel extremely hopeless. Lucky for me I do have the ability to seek therapy and I am excited. The only person I ever tell my thoughts to is God no other human has heard so I’m really really hoping this helps me out if your reading this thank you it means a lot because this is my first time ever admitting all this it’s a lot to take in I know and I hope you are ok and that you have a great night and know that we got this

Hi, I’m new here!! I’m praying I don’t get judged for this. But, back in late May of 2022 ( literally right before I graduated high school), I added this one random girl from my school on Snapchat. She posted something about a graduation party , so I swiped up on her story basically saying how I can’t believe we’re almost graduated. She replied and we had a really short and simple conversation. The next day ( i believe) , we started talking a lot , and I just so happened to see her at the highschool when we were grabbing our graduation outfits and doing the rehearsal. When I saw her irl, I kinda got turned off ( I heard she was kinda crazy) , and on top of that , she was a little ugly irl. I remember seeing her Snapchat bio , and she was close friends with my female cousin ( a year younger than me) , who I happened to experiment sexually with when I was 10-11 years old. I remember going to work later that day and having sort of a lightbulb flick thought ( it wasn’t a good thought though) , what if my cousin told her about what happened when we were younger? So I started to kind of panic and immediately distanced myself from that girl. I also experimented sexually with one of my female friends when I was 10-11 , and from that day onwards, I’ve been pretty much living in paranoia and a little bit of guilt about someone finding out and my life being ruined . On top of that, It’s gotten worse to now sometimes I wonder if a girl I added off of quick add ( Snapchat) is underage even if they told me they were 18+ or had 18 and above in their bio, and I get so much guilt and anxiety about that. I even had a quick thought last February on what if I did something inappropriate with my younger cousin when I was 15-16 but I just can’t exactly remember when it happened , and it still eats me alive when I think about it, because I don’t know if it happened or not. I’m sorry for the long vent, I just wish I felt normal again. No matter how much I try to do things that old me used to do, life always feels “ off”. I always kept the top part about when I was younger a secret up until early (ish ) 2024, then I vented to one of my best friends and he told me that that’s a normal thing to do at a young age. Since then, I have told multiple friends and they all say they did similar stuff, but my brain just can’t accept that. Please help me, I quite literally overthink everything nowadays. 2021 was the last full year that I felt normal ( coincidentally, the best year of my life so far) . It’s not just about sexual related things either, sometimes I’ll wonder if I messed up something at work or hit a car while driving/hit someone and drove off. I just wanna live my life how I was supposed to live it after highschool ( carefree and happy) before whatever it is ( I think it’s ocd) hit me unexpectedly. Thanks to anyone who read this , I just needed to pour it out regardless of how negative I felt typing this, I hope someone can relate , because I feel so alone in my head at times.

It’s been 4 years. 4 years since I spiralled into a world controlled by rituals of 4, it started as 2, then 3, then 4 - my safe number. The amount of times I wash my hands after touching something dirty and how many repeats it takes until I feel ‘clean’, the amount of taps I make when closing doors to make sure I don’t ‘die’, the amount of times I rinse cutlery and plates before eating off them, the amount of times I disinfect things. My OCD subtype is contamination and I know 2020 lockdowns and the pandemic caused it to spiral but what started as a small ritual quickly became bigger until I no longer remembered what my life was like without the obsessive thoughts of germs and contamination. Could that person be ill? What if I go outside to the shops and someone makes me sick? You can’t answer the door to get that package from the delivery driver because he might make you sick, oh you can’t put the shopping away without disinfecting it first - what if someone has coughed on it? ‘I’ve got to wear gloves to do that’ I can’t, I can’t, I can’t. For 4 years I’ve lived like this, the ‘I don’t want to touch that’ or ‘I can’t go to this place because I don’t want to get ill and die’ ‘can you go do that for me as I don’t think I can right now’ - I know my OCD is irrational, I know the likelihood of those things actually happening are slim to none and I know my OCD stems from a need of control in my life because for so many years I felt like everything in my life was out of my control. But no matter how much I know of how many books I read, how many mindful practices I do the panic I feel after being ‘exposed’ or before exposing myself to a trigger is horrible. I’ve avoided and avoided and avoided to the point where something small now seems and feels like an impossible mountain to climb. It often feels like there isn’t light at the end of the tunnel on the dark days, when I know there is, it’s just going to take some time. Despite this on the outside to those not in my circle my life is a whole picture perfect painting. I run my own business, have a nice car, a nice house, a happy relationship and the of best friends and I’m so grateful for all those things but the reality is much different - behind closed doors and hidden in the closest is the OCD monster. I’ve decided now, after 4 years it’s time to change. I’m breaking the cycle and starting anew. The irony that 4 is my safe number too and it’s been 4 years since things started to get dark. I’m ready to lose control and find myself again. Why am I writing this? Honestly, I really don’t know. I found this app recently and hope it can be a help for my ERP practices I’ve been practicing on my own and it’s actually the first time I’ve ever openly posted or spoken about my OCD to date. For years I have lived with a huge amount of shame and embarrassment, hiding my issues from everyone - even my closest friends have no idea how much it impacts my day to day. I’ve felt shame as I can’t control my own mind despite knowing the thoughts are irrational and the rituals only provide temporary relief but each day again and again the safety blanket of the rituals wraps me up and takes over. The only person who truly knows how much it affects me is my partner, who has been by my side through it all, he’s burnt out and has seen first hand the impact it has had on me, my life and my happiness. I’ve sheltered him as much as I can, but I’m sure those who are in relationships with OCD can relate to the burnout their partner feels day in day out. So that’s my story, I hope those going through similar can take comfort in this and know they aren’t alone in it all as my OCD has made me feel so incredibly lonely, isolated and empty for 4 years too long. It feels freeing to finally share my monster and I hope I can connect with others who are on a similar journey to me. The biggest thing I want to be able to do again? I want to be able to hug my loved ones without feeling triggered, I want to go outside and enjoy life without worry, I want to live again. This app has made me feel seen for the first time in a long time and reading your stories, your experiences and how you’re coping is comforting, encouraging and makes me feel less alone ❤️ thank you for reading x