Hey guys. I often have sexual, racist, and downright horrible thoughts that I don’t want to have. I know that I should sit with them and let them be there but I pray every night and struggle to not ask for forgiveness for the thoughts. Any tips on how to just sit with the thoughts?

I am a christian guy who grew up in a christian community and family. For as long as i remember, ive had horrible thoughts about all kinds of things that i dont know where to begin. Due to my extreme thoughts, i feel as if i am unworthy of practicing my religioin, such as praying, reading, meditating, etc. I feel ashamed when i go to church, as if i dont belong there because i feel like i am secretely evil, and that God knows i am evil and i am committing blasphemy by going there, and refusing to "repent", from my thoughts. But then again, my thoughts are just thoughts, sure. So whats the problem? - The problem is that in my faith, i have been taught that we must control our thoughts, so they do not get power over us to make us commit sin. Such as "If you think lustfully about a woman, you have already committed adultery with her in your heart". This verse has killed my self esteem, due to the constant unwanted sexual and disturbing thoughts. It makes me feel like a monster, who secretely just wants to abuse and be horrible to people, even though i know very well i do not want this. Sometimes i think horrible things about the people i love very much, such as my girlfriend. It feels so wrong and evil, even though i know it isnt my true will.

How do I deal with the thought that my OCD thoughts because of their nature are separating me from God? The one night I couldn’t sleep and prayed about it and just said God if I die and go to hell over this just know I’m doing the best I can. This isn’t me and I don’t want it. — I know that it doesn’t work this way but if you have any advice please share. And also please be nice and respectful of my beliefs. Thank you a struggling Christian.

Does anyone have advice on how to better manage this? I know we're not supposed to engage with intrusive thoughts, but it's hard not to when they feel so real. Sometimes, I get the most disturbing images (won't go into specifics obviously, but just super wrong, disturbing and gross stuff) relating to POCD that trigger physical arousal (like erections), even though I feel disgusted and scared by them. The arousal feels the same to normal sexual arousal, and a lot of the times even stronger than normal arousal, which makes it more confusing and upsetting. It feels like it's gotten worse lately, and that it use to feel more dull and less real in the past, but now it feels so much more intense even super real. I’ve also had a history of excessive porn use, including weird or taboo content (nothing illegal), which makes me worry I’ve somehow conditioned my brain to respond to anything taboo. That thought really scares me and makes me question my morality, especially since I sometimes felt bad about it even while watching. Sometimes my brain somehow manages to convince me that I actually like the thoughts, too. I hate the thoughts and don't WANT to engage with them, but the physical sensations make everything feel more "real," and that terrifies me. I also feel guilty trying to ignore it, like I'm avoiding the truth or letting myself off the hook. The anxiety is constant and overwhelming, and I feel so lost. If anyone has advice on how to cope with this and learn to be able to better ignore it/not assign any meaning to it, I'd greatly appreciate it.