OCD, YOU WILL NOT WIN. I AM STILL THE SAME PERSON I WAS BEFORE YOU HIJACKED MY BRAIN. GET OUT OF MY HEAD, YOU SICKO. yuck

I’ve gone through so many themes and seen the pattern so many times that I’m getting to a point where, new themes come in and I automatically identify my compulsions and the potential ones and then choose to not engage. OCD now is like a thorn in my side rather than a boulder suffocating me. But still that annoying little thorn that will always be there dispositionally

So my OCD has been bad lately. I’ve been ruminating and obsessing over my sexuality again. And it just keeps getting worse. I hate it so much. I try to sit with the discomfort but then my ocd does the backdoor spike. And the groinal response is what keeps me looped. It SUCKS. I am not attracted to men, but my OCD is trying SO hard to convince me that I am. There have been days where I’m just so mentally exhausted that I “accept” what my ocd tells me and I just walk around a hollow, lethargic shell. But then I rethink it and I feel better. It feels like I can only find my TRUE self when I tire my nervous system out enough that it literally breaks down and has me suicidal and hopeless. And then accepting my OCD’s “truth” (that I’m attracted to men) feels like a burden and a chore. I woke up today from an OCD dream, tried to go back to sleep, and my stomach kept cramping bc I was so anxious and ruminating over my intrusive thoughts. I’m starting to doubt it being OCD anymore. My brain is too tired to fight and cry about it anymore.

I feel like OCD has destroyed my brain relative to where I was before it. Headaches, worse memory, brain fog, mental fatigue, etc. How scary is that. Then I think "oh it's just 'cause you're worrying about that and it's temporary" Thing is, what happens when the temporary becomes the new normal? I hate this sh**