So right now I’m constantly having episodes that I cannot control. I’m about to have my first session on Friday. Can anybody relate?

I’m definitely having an episode right now. A few times I’ve thought about coming onto this app and writing something but then I spiral further and further and I forget about anything except what’s triggering me. Then I think about this app again and intend to write a post… but again I’m spiraling too hard to focus on anything else. But I finally ended up here because I got an email from NOCD. I opened it and read about someone who ‘overcame their OCD.’ It made me spiral harder, because I genuinely don’t understand how someone can control this. How do I stop? How do I silence my brain? I was told to sit with my thoughts and not try to divert them, but if I do that I have an extreme episode so bad that I feel disconnected from myself. I looked at myself in the mirror and it felt like my eyes were seeing someone standing in front of me and not my reflection. It scares me to think that I will be experiencing these episodes forever. I literally just put my phone down twice because I thought my cat was choking to death because he had a hairball (he’s fine) I just feel like I can’t see a way out of this. It’s not curable, and I don’t understand how someone can ‘conquer’ something that feels so out of control Obviously it’s possible, but unfortunately that reassurance doesn’t always break through the most awful thoughts Sometimes there’s nothing that can make me calm down, I just have to ride it out I hope there’s never a day where it’s so out of control that I can’t keep it in at work, and I ruin my own life by having a severe panic attack while I’m there and being fired. If I had the type of episodes at work that I have consistently at home, I would be so humiliated. It scares me. I’m trying so hard to be normal like everyone else. I just want to be happy. I just want to live.

my OCD is doing what it does best and it’s randomly selecting themes. Once I’m not scared or react to one it bounces to another. And then i temporarily forget all of my coping skills for that theme. Rn it’s fixating on the time I had a panic attack and it’s trying to make me have one again

Has anyone else had a rough start? I’m 4 sessions in and have had no actual ERP work happen, I have 2 different therapists because none have availability to meet 2 times a week. Both those therapists are not available for the next 2 weeks so now I’m going to see a new 3rd one. Each time I’ve seen a new therapist I feel like the whole first session is spent with them re explaining everything. I’m paying for this out of pocket because they don’t accept Tricare which is my insurance as a Retired Marine. So I’m 960 in, and honestly feel worse than when I started. I get zero suggestions on what to do between sessions and feel so incomplete after my session finishes. I feel like I’ve gotten more help asking chat gpt questions on EPR and how to deal with ROCD than I do in my sessions . Does anyone have any insight or helpful advice here?