Anyone else still up? I'm having a hard time, feeling like I'm faking OCD, a horrible person, etc. and part of me just wants life to be over. I'm tired here. And yeah. I don't have anything else to say. Just a little rant I guess.

Never feels like I can fully put my mind to rest. The problem with OCD for me is once I'm over one worry there's another buried deep into my mind that I'm not fully over. The two events I'm not completely over is when I tried to help a 17 year old with POCD when I was 19 and the topics unfortunately were detailed and even then I explained to them I wasn't comfortable with talking to them. I guess I just had a hard time saying no to someone needing help but it eventually made me so uncomfortable that I stopped talking with them altogether at some point. Then the other thing is being so worried that I committed a crime because my elbow touched someone's behind when I didn't want that to happen at all. I didn't want to listen to my OCD by saying move my arm or something horrible is going to happen so I didn't and then something bad actually did happen. I thought it would just be a light touch while zipping a bag up but then it was worse than I ever wanted it to be and it was so awkward and I hated it. I feel like I just won't be able to get back to the way I was before OCD started all of this. Aside from that I've just had extreme health anxiety but am too afraid to reach out to a PCP even though I need to. Something deep down is telling me I should do this but I'm just so anxious and embarrassed about sharing things to them. I can't even enjoy the things I used to do because this is constantly just messing up my life. I'm hoping I get a start of positivity next time I see my therapist. This just sucks. Feels like others around me are doing so much better than I am and I'm just kind of stuck on these same problems and feeling absolute shame and guilt from the past over and over again. I'm just so sick of dealing with this every single day so I just use escape whenever I can. Even that doesn't really work. I just wish I could go back in time.

i’ve just been feeling so off lately. i’m okay right now, but a couple hours ago i was in this mood where i felt anxiety creeping up. like i will feel like there’s danger when there isn’t. i just get this really uncomfortable feeling that something feels wrong even when it isn’t. and i’ve been feeling derealization/depersonalization. just really disconnected from myself and the world. i’ve also been unmotivated to where there are times when the thought of doing things upsets me. and i’ve been having existential thoughts that do not mesh well with harm ocd. i get the thought “if people aren’t real then it’s okay to hurt them”. it sucks because there are times where i just don’t even care to ruminate and find reassurance that that’s not the case. furthermore, i’ve just been really aware of my existence. i will get moments where i’m so aware of my existence and it freaks me out. like the fact that i’m a living human being is crazy to me. then there are times when i’m not even anxious about anything which then has me questioning and ruminating on that because i ALWAYS have something i’m worrying about. i’ve also been feeling really nostalgic and bittersweet of the good memories from the past. i keep thinking about good times i’ve had and really wishing i could relive it. for example, last summer was a pretty good summer even with my ocd. and i just wish i could relive some of those moments, but i obviously can’t. and it’s been upsetting me because this month has been shitty with my anxiety. as for an update with my room change to those of you curious, i still have anxiety over it and my mom is taking it as me being ungrateful with what i have when it’s my ocd making a huge deal of it. that upsets me especially since i’ve told her what’s been going on and she was really understanding of it. anyways, life has just been a bit much and i’ve been dealing with more to my anxiety that i don’t appreciate. while worrying about constantly throwing up with my contamination ocd is incredibly exhausting, it’s so normal to me that i’m used to it. but when my harm ocd kicks in along with other themes that aren’t usually common for me, i freak out and feel like i’m going insane. i genuinely wonder how people have dealt with taboo topics of ocd without treatment for years on end. i’ve had harm intrusive thoughts since i was little, but it didn’t get to any extreme until 2023. i feel like i’m drowning in it when it decides to hit me and the thought of having to deal with it for the rest of my life?? i’m scared something in me will flip and i’ll become what my thoughts are telling me i am. i apologize for the mixed thoughts that are all over the place but i feel safe posting on here about it and want to hear how y’all are doing

I had a really stressful couple of weeks and it's all hitting me right now. I cannot for the life of me shut off my brain my thoughts for a little and it feels like drowning. It's 1 a.m. here and I'm feeling completely hopeless like this feeling is going to last forever. I'm feeling like I can't use the tools I've been given my my psychologist and my meds feel like they've stopped working. I feel like by the end of the end I'm going to lose my mind. I usually am able to find some silver lining but today has been so bad. Everything triggers me and I have really bad intrusive thoughts about dying and finding some peace but I know that's not what I want. It's just so difficult navigating life when your brain works against you. I'm so tired and defeated and I feel like I have no one to turn to, but even that is some form of reassurance and it makes me spiral that I decide actively against it. I just feel like I'm losing my mind and I'm going "insane" from the distress. All my failed friendships and relationships have come back to haunt me and I feel like I can't get out of the house. All my sort comings are layed out in front of me and I feel like I am the worst person in the world and nothing will fix that. I have some real bad thoughts about my friends and family. And I know alla of this is classic symptoms of OCD but even though I know I can't rationalize and come to peace with them. I'm so envious of people being able to lead a normal life without this burden and in my mind it's just highlights all my shortcomings. I've had moments like this before but the last really nasty one was four years ago when I was yet undiagnosed and I really felt insane back then. I was hoping that when this happened to me again I'd be more capable of handling it but I don't think I am. I'm constantly on a battle against my mind and some times I win and sometimes I lose. I'm sorry for the rant I just feel extremely hopeless right now.