- Date posted
- 4y
- Date posted
- 4y
I don't know all the details obviously, but you don't come across as horrible at all in my opinion.š¤·āāļø Life isn't perfect, we all have drama sometimes. This is just normal blah blah stuff! I have real event ocd as well, and struggle (badly) with selfblame and guilt. But I think you should let this go and stop analyzing it. šš·
- Date posted
- 4y
very true. this over analyzation isnāt going to result in anything helpful
- Date posted
- 4y
Yeah youāre correct I just wanna get rid of this feeling of guilt that makes me just wanna sit in a ball and cry
- Date posted
- 4y
wow what ur first friend did was so messed up. if someone says theyāre straight, then theyāre straight. if they say theyāre gay, then theyāre gay. itās not youāre right or youāre job to try and force them to be the sexuality that you āthinkā they are. she was totally out of line and extremely disrespectful. iām glad youāre not her friend anymore she sounds toxic and controlling.
Related posts
- Date posted
- 21w
I have recently entered a phase of extremely obsessive thoughts of every mistake Iāve ever made. Things from over a decade ago, things that happened recently, or even things currently happening like my own thoughts and feelings that I have no control over. Ever since I was little I have been a habitual liar. For the most part, I just tell little white lies or exaggerated stories. I even lie about things that donāt matter at all, like if Iāve seen a certain movie or something. But I have also lied about some serious things, like bad things happening to me, like abuse or SA. (DISCLAIMER - Iāve never accused anyone of these things to the police or anything like that). I hate that Iāve done this and I feel so disgusted with my behavior. Iāve been obsessing over this and unable to forgive myself or feel better about doing this. I feel like such a sick human being. I know most of the reasons for why I lieāattention, sympathy, to seem more interesting, to relate to someone, or to even pretend that my life is better than it is. I never ever have any bad intentions when I lie, but I know that doesnāt mean a whole lot. Sometimes I lie so naturally that I donāt even realize it, and sometimes I lie to the point that I actually believe what Iām saying. Somethings wrong with me and I donāt want to be this way anymore. I hate myself and I feel like Iām being tortured with this guilt. I feel like I donāt deserve to ever feel better because this is a result of my own actions. I have a group of girl friends that I met online that Iāve known for about 3 years. I lied about and insinuated that bad things had happened to me to them, because I wanted to relate to them and maybe because I wanted sympathy. I was actually emotionally abused by my ex, and he did kind of get physical with me one time (if Iām remembering correctly, but my OCD doubts if that even actually happened), but I have exaggerated and said that I was abused physically. I also have portrayed my life to be completely different than it is, because I hate my life and I like to pretend that things are better than they are. In a way, I feel like itās a form of escapism. When I talk to them, I can pretend that Iām a different person. A more interesting, less pathetic, and more relatable person. Iāve lied to them so much that I canāt even begin to remember them all, and I feel so disgusted by myself, and the guilt of this is adding onto my other debilitating guilt. I canāt stop obsessing over it and I feel like Iām an awful person for this. I feel like I donāt deserve to feel better. Iām unable to function, and I canāt forgive myself no matter what. I know that if I confess to them, theyāll be disgusted by my behavior and not want to speak to me again. Especially because I lied about things that are so sensitive. And theyāre perfectly within their right to feel that way and to reject me. I donāt know if I can handle the rejection and stress of confessing at this moment in time. I also just canāt even remember all of my lies. But if I keep talking to them, Iāll have to upkeep my lies, and I know Iāll never get better if I keep having to lie. None of my lies have caused them any actual harm, most of my lies are harmless, and itās not like Iāll ever actually meet them in person, but I feel like Iāve gone against my morals, and I know that it was wrong. Even though my ex is an awful person and put me through hell, I feel bad that Iāve told these girls online that heād abused me when he actually hasnāt (other than the one time he sorta got physical with me). He even has been going around telling people things about me and degrading me, and this has been going on for nearly 10 years. But I know it was wrong to lie about that regardless of what heās done or what heās actively doing to me. The girls donāt have his full name or info or anything like that, they just know his first name and that heās my ex and that he āphysically abusedā me. I donāt ever lie out of malice. My dad is a pathological liar and heās never received help, and I feel like Iāve learned his behavior. I especially feel bad because one of my online friends gave me an extremely expensive gift for my birthday last October, and I didnāt ask for it or anything or manipulate her into giving it to me, but I feel awful that she gave me a gift when Iāve lied about so many things. Itās also not something I can give back since it was an online thing, and I genuinely donāt have the money to pay her back. I feel like Iāve been living a lie and that itās unfair to them. I am so so scared to tell the truth. I think Iād be less scared if I was only admitting it to one person, but Iād be admitting it to three. I know that theyāll think Iām terrible, disgusting, and that theyāll hate me, and then theyāll probably talk about how awful I am with each other. Which is perfectly justified. I just am so scared of it. Iām in a really bad state of mind. I canāt function and all I do all day is lay around and obsess over all my mistakes. I know the lying is out of my control to a certain extent and that I have a problem and mental illness, but I still canāt forgive myself. I feel disgusting and awful and like Iām a bad person and no matter what I do, Iām reminded of it. I feel like Iām going crazy and that I deserve to feel this way for what Iāve done. And I feel hopeless because I feel like I wonāt ever feel better from this unbearable state unless I confess, but I really donāt feel like Iām ready. Every day I become more and more certain that Iām terrible.
- Date posted
- 16w
I genuinely feel like the worlds most horrible person deeply for my past actions in childhood and general mistakes Iāve made. I feel like I shouldnāt be here or thereās no hope for me despite doing right ( trying to do right ) Iāve wanted to open up to my mom about things from my past but when I was talking to her about a situation that happened just to share, she was like āThank God youāve never done anything like thatā But really my past mistakes are worst. Itās like I feel like I should disappear. I donāt know how to deal with the guilt and I feel horrible. Iāve made good and bad decisions but despite this being a long time ago ( which doesnāt erase my stupid actions ) I still keep bringing back into the present and Iām filled with guilt I genuinely think it would be better if I wasnāt here. I wake up think about my past things and Iām filled with guilt and shame that maybe I am a bad person and voices donāt stop, they keep telling me a lot of things that I start to believe. It makes me upset that I did something like that in my past and I try to be understanding but I can imagine the reactions of people and being condemned so much. I literally do this to myself every single day and itās exhausting I donāt know how you guys can treat me with so much compassion and understanding. It really doesnāt feel real or like I deserve it. Like even on nocd, it makes me feel worst because I come across comments that say āas long as itās not ā-ā or something and I compare it to my past and I feel like a horrible unacceptable person.
- Date posted
- 11w
the past month ive been ruminating about a time last year where i hurt a friend by unintentionally bringing up a traumatic memory when i was really drunk, enough that i didnt remember it, so i went 6 months without apologizing until i was worried when they werent talking to me anymore. so they told me when i finally tried to talk to them. i apologized and they told me we were ok now, and still want me in their life, but now they stopped talking to me again and its been 3 weeks, and im terrified that i did something again, especially since they stopped talking to me when i made a mistake before, and wont tell me outright. the event triggered horrible horrible guilt over what i did, mostly guilt About the guilt i was feeling, because its not a normal amount of guilt for a regular person, and eventually my compulsions for confessing and ruminating reached a high point. and when they stopped talking to me again they got even worse . they are aware i suffer from ocd and anxiety to an extent (we've been friends since we were teenagers) so its hard for me to believe they wouldn't do this unless i did something wrong again, especially due to the events of my past mistake. lately ive been wondering, 'have they found out my abnormal reaction to what happened ?' 'did a friend who knows about it tell them?' ive been avoiding asking them if i did something wrong again, because i dont want to make it a habit since i can fall very deeply into that hole of asking for reassurance and i feel even regular reassurance, without the ocd, im the last person who deserves that right now. im scared they somehow found out about my compulsions (which isnt entirely irrational) and i feel the need to apologize to them again. ive been having panic attacks about this. i feel like no matter what i do i cant fix our friendship, and its going to end badly. i feel like a terrible friend, and im too mentally ill to have friendships. i don't know what to do.
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