Someone help this feeling just won’t go away i feel so detached and like i’m this horrible person that always plays victim and feels wronged all the time and wants everyone’s pity

I genuinely can't help but feel irredeemable over every little mistake made or regret I've had. It's so up and down, but I just miss the certainty. Knowing "this is who I am." I'm so disconnected from myself. Like, I'm really, really trying. Today is really rough... I got triggered the other night, and it's been hell since. I've been fighting seeking reassurance. I want it so, so incredibly bad, but I know it won't help me :( Some days, I just don't want to be here. It's funny because yesterday I felt amazing until I got triggered. I just immediately spiraled after that. I don't know. Does it genuinely get better? Will therapy really help me? Sometimes, I think maybe this is the best it'll get, and that scares me. Sorry for the vent. I'm just feeling so overwhelmingly anxious right now. I can't even cry (due to Zoloft). It feels claustrophobic somehow, having all these emotions trapped inside of my body with nowhere to go 😭

I can't even look at myself in the mirror. I've spent the morning crying, and I feel like I don't deserve to. I feel like I'm a horrible person or a... you know. I'm so sick of this. I'm just so tired of everything. I don't see my psychiatrist until two weeks from now. How am I going to make it till then? :( Even writing this post, I feel like I'm deceiving everyone and that I'm actually a monster. I'm so convinced of this right now. I don't know what to do. I was literally okay a few days ago. I don't even know what's real and what's not, like... I think I do? But everything is so distorted. I can't stop replaying memories trying to figure things out. I really need my psychiatrist right now. I feel like I need to confess, like I've been trying so hard not to, but every person I see, I just keep thinking about how badly I want to ask them if I'm a bad person or not, and that makes me feel worse. A good person wouldn't feel the need to ask that over and over again, would they? What if I'm just seeking validation because I can't accept that?

Someone please respond to this, I really feel like I'm losing my mind. This is what I've been going through the past few months: - Been unable to stop googling obsessively about my behaviors - Feel unable to control my emotions - Constantly ruminating about being a bad person - Avoiding best friend and some relatives, feel super on guard around them, like they'll see I'm awful. - with my best friend, feeling resentful but arguing with myself that she's not a bad person, but still feeling irritated. - Easily irritated, feeling resentful of others in general - making up arguments in my head, then telling myself I'm crazy for thinking it - Struggling to be present with others, listen, and empathize. Mask and try to offer support then feel bad later. - Can't self regulate, always need to vent to family/friends/therapist - Always tired - Can't control thoughts - Analyzing my behavior constantly - Questioning my beliefs and motivations and if they make me a bad person. - Always finding new bad traits about myself/constant guilt - Social anxiety, people pleasing, and avoidance - Want to be alone but can't handle being alone for long, emotional dumping on people then isolating myself because I feel bad - Crave connection - Little enjoyment of anything - Feeling bad about my negative traits but feel overwhelmed about changing - Awful memory/brain fog - Crying a ton I feel like I have zero control anymore. Everyone says I'm not a bad person and I'm fine, and that used to help, but now it doesn't. I've reached out to friends, family and therapists, but I feel like I'm not getting anywhere. I'm extremely desperate.