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Hi!! My names Calista R. Woodbury-Rabon. I recently got married in March of this year. And have been struggling with my severe anxiety disorder since I left my toxic 3 year relationship about a year ago. Over the past several months, I have noticed that I go through phases where: I have a full body “anxiety attack”. Or at least that’s what I call it. For example : when we went to cookout and they told us they were out of the chili for walking tacos. I had a full blown anxiety attack or at least what I thought was an anxiety attack and starting hyperventilating and crying. Therefore, the only solution (in my mind) was that I wouldn’t be able to calm down until I had the walking tacos. Another example : My husband bought me a pajama set that was only recently put out because it was a patriotic item which means that after the summer it’d be gone… I ended up picking up the wrong size. So that night when I went to put on the Pajamas and realized they were too small I started hyperventilating and crying. All because these $17 pajamas did not fit me and it was no fault of my own. Whenever this happens, I usually end up spiraling and crying and saying a lot at once very quickly. And I usually look crazy and don’t make a lot of sense. Usually after the spiraling is over with I’m very exhausted and usually will cry myself to sleep. My husband more often than not will say stuff like “it’s not that big of a deal you can get something else.” << when it has to do with food etc. OR “we can just buy another set of pjamas the next time I get paid.” << in relation to the pajamas in this instance. But honestly no matter what him or anyone else tells me in that moment. All that matters is that I can feel the anxiety in my bones. And I can’t breathe and in that moment my world as I know it has ended. I’ve tried taking online free “quizzes” to find out if I acctually have OCD and they’ve been negative. I also did some research and learned that you can have all the symptoms for a OCD “flare-up” but present no active case of OCD or symptoms. So I guess what I’m trying to find out is if I don’t have “OCD” than Is this out of body experience caused from my “severe anxiety disorder” diagnosis ? Or just anxiety in general?? Thank you for taking the time to read this even if you also aren’t sure!! Means a lot to me..❤️‍🩹

This is not for reassurance btw! I was talking with a friend of mine about our disorders, she has depressive and anxiety issues while I'm saving for an therapist who can take me seriously I told her about my suspects of ocd and she told me she also had ocd and she's now cured, and I was like uhhhh it's that possible you get cured just like that??? She told she has the compulsions of checking the stove was off, the lights were off and eating her nails, then she said her therapist told her ocd is provoke by anxiety which is something I get but I'm not sure at all you just can erase ocd just like that and also provoke it. Like, is not an switch who you can turn on and off I know anxiety makes people to have certains compulsions but once again I'm just here to ask Sorry if this sounds mean, I'm here to learn

Why am I not anxious? Like at all anymore? Is it because I'm really avoiding and trying not to think of the consequences that come from possibly being a pdfile? Is the only thing that is worrying me about it is the consequences then does it mean that I really am one? But I never masturbated to the thought of a child and actively seeked it. It came as intrusive thoughts while I was doing it yes I've had them when I see kids yes and I question and check a lot if I'm attracted to them and its just confusing me, I know I'll never do anything to hurt a child and I don't even like the idea of becoming a pdfile then why am I not anxious enough about it? The thoughts are just distressing obsessive I feel disgusting and Id say I still do compulsions but I don't know something just doesn't feel right. I don't feel anything and no real attraction to anyone or anything anymore. I just feel so disgusting and I just want to be normal but then again I pretty much did this to myself. It's weird to me I know there isn't a real indication I'm a pdfile and past experiences pretty much prove that and I've always been attracted to older guys so why is this happening now? Why am I getting these thoughts now especially right after I was trying to fix this sexual obsession/tension I had for older guys. Is my brain just leaving one thing to love and be obsessed about and going to the other? I'm really really just confused. Not anxious just distressed confused and uncomfortable. Like I want to throw up but I don't feel intense anxiety in my chest it feels like maybe I haven't processed what's going on properly. I'm genuinely so confused and I don't want to have this stay in my mind. Sometimes I just miss my ex so much because at the time I've felt something I felt so much things even though I had really bad rocd. I just miss loving people again and being alive again. I'm so scared and confused right now can anyone explain to me what is this? I genuinely just want to understand what I'm feeling or thinking because its not making sense to me