I know there’s no point in wishing but I’d really be better off without these thoughts

I'm getting intrusive thoughts of self harm. It seems like I've achieved everything in my life and it makes little difference. None of it was worth anything.

thought i was sort of improving but nope. I feel so useless. also a lot of the thoughts are "I wish/I want" now and those are the worst because they're so visceral. its so bad I have to go to a college close to ny house bc i'll freak out if I'm far away. maybe I should just give up

It’s like my brain is doing everything in its power to convince myself and also justify an attraction to teenagers. I hate myself. I don’t want to be this person, but what if I don’t have a choice. How do I get these thoughts out of my head permanently. I feel like my life will never be the same if they don’t leave forever. I can’t tell what is a real desire and what OCD is trying to convince me is a real desire. I can’t do this every day for the rest of my life. I don’t want to hurt anyone, or I don’t think I do but how do I even tell anymore. This might not even be OCD at this point, I can’t separate my thoughts from OCD thoughts I think because I’ve had OCD for so long so it all just feels like me. Maybe it is me. TMI but I haven’t pleasured myself in like a week because my libido is so low now, I don’t want to do it with these thoughts.