I should get off here for the time being. I'm starting to get angry at other people for being more hopeful than me, or even for trying to help. I don't want to impede anyone else's progress. Also, when I click that "I WILL look for support while I practice ERP to get better," I'm pretty much lying.

I am hurting so much right now. I feel sad and disgusted with myself that I would even worry about these things (pocd). What kind of a human even thinks that and has doubts about that?? Definitely not one that’s rational or mentally sane. That kind of stuff should be a no brainer so why do I worry about it so much and what does it say about me? I feel sick and disgusted and can’t stop crying over it. I just feel so defeated like I want to disappear. I started ERP and every time I resist reassuring myself it comes back at me from every angle. I hate this so much.

I’m trying to do ERP therapy, but I keep thinking my subtype of ocd is the worst there ever is. I tried going on a walk tonight and the adrenaline in my body along with the shakes and the burning in my chest got so overwhelming. I felt like I was just about to lay down in the gutter along the sidewalk. I’m not trying to be super negative. I just don’t know what to do anymore. If it’s not one thing it’s another and I just wanna cry so bad and I want it to go away but it won’t I almost feel like I have to call a crisis line or something even right now while I’m writing this I’m crying so bad. I can’t enjoy a single thing. I joined a support group tonight, but I just feel like I feel so bad for everyone because of how awful it is. I know what I’m writing right now doesn’t make a lot of sense but I just don’t know what to do anymore. Part of me wants to quit ERP therapy so bad cause I don’t think it’s gonna ever help. if anyone has any advice or suggestions, that would be greatly appreciated.

I’m having one of those moments where I have to deal with some uncertainty at the worst time. I did have a little panic attack for a moment. Then I realized I could use this to make me stronger. Something happened at work and no one knows the answer I need. So I have to deal with some uncertainty. The feelings suck and the thoughts keep coming. I will not let this ruin my day I will continue to work and go about my day, even though I am anxious. Just remember that we will have things pop up throughout our days we do not expect but just to remember our practices. Hopefully the intensity will decrease in time today. Wish me luck.