I want to be okay again. I want to be okay again. How did it get this bad? I want to be okay again. Like I was before :(

I had a massive falling out with my person before I got diagnosed with ocd and specifically rOCD. It wasn’t all me of course but not knowing I had ocd at all and believing all my thoughts and feeling in that time made that relationship really strained!! I miss them so much, I know so much more about myself now but all they know of me is me having a complete ocd meltdown and all the bad traits that come with that….because I didn’t know what was going on. Their version of me would be so different to me now. I want them back in my life so badly, sorry :( just needed to express that. I miss them so much. I was so safe and comfortable with them.

I miss when I wasn't ruminating 24/7, waking up with horrible anxiety or spending all day doing compulsions. Even when I try so hard to resist them I just end up in a spiral. I miss when I was comfortable in my nonbinary identity and didn't have TOCD and now everything feels wrong and conflicting. I miss when I wasn't depressed and disabled. I know I can never get that person back. I haven't seen that person since high school. Ive spent years with this disorder and i havent gotten better despite therapy and meds. I don't know if I'll ever be happy again.

I genuinely can't help but feel irredeemable over every little mistake made or regret I've had. It's so up and down, but I just miss the certainty. Knowing "this is who I am." I'm so disconnected from myself. Like, I'm really, really trying. Today is really rough... I got triggered the other night, and it's been hell since. I've been fighting seeking reassurance. I want it so, so incredibly bad, but I know it won't help me :( Some days, I just don't want to be here. It's funny because yesterday I felt amazing until I got triggered. I just immediately spiraled after that. I don't know. Does it genuinely get better? Will therapy really help me? Sometimes, I think maybe this is the best it'll get, and that scares me. Sorry for the vent. I'm just feeling so overwhelmingly anxious right now. I can't even cry (due to Zoloft). It feels claustrophobic somehow, having all these emotions trapped inside of my body with nowhere to go 😭