- User type
- OCD Conqueror
- Date posted
- 3y ago
Hey friend, it sounds like trying to figure out what type of OCD you have is becoming an OCD thing itself. Iāve seen therapists posting about this and itās a problem for a lot of people I think. They say that the main thing is to remember that regardless of the answer to your question you deserve help and itās worth trying the treatment to see if it helps. ā¤ļø
So, I know my capacity to get fixated on things. And it's normally something that's relatively remote but, my latest issue is really getting to me and I was wondering if people have any advice. I'm avoiding getting too into specifics, as I don't want this to get reassurance-y but, in essence.. I came to the realisation recently that people who I'd been "friends" (feels like the wrong term now) when I was younger were not very nice people, and normalized a lot of very unpleasant behaviour towards other members of the group. They really normalized it, sold themselves as figures of authority, as older and more responsible and grown-up than others, and looking back, they acted horribly. And coming to this realisation, that I'd been manipulated into just accepting their behaviour has just... broken me. My OCD has latched onto it and I can't stop feeling irreversibly tainted by it. I've talked to others about it, and they've reassured me, told me it's not a big deal and that I hold myself to too high a standard, but none of that sticks. I feel better for a bit, then think 'Maybe when you told them you were skewing it to make yourself look better' or 'Did you leave out a crucial detail'. I keep ruminating over and over, trying to remember exactly how everything played out, trying to figure out if I fed into the behaviour, if I did something bad myself (because y'know, I feel like I was accepting of it at the time, so what does it say about my own values?). I know I need to stop doing all this if I want to improve, but then some part of me keeps saying 'So, you're just going to let yourself off the hook then?' Normally, I can rationalize my own fears to some degree, assure myself something won't happen, but the realness of the situation, and the fact I only came to understand the reality of it because the thought had been bothering me means it feels so much more all-encompassing. I know confessing in itself is a compulsion, but I keep feeling that if I'm not I'm somehow concealing what I 'really am' from others around me, and any positive interactions are me deceiving them in some way. I feel like I can't enjoy anything in life right now, and a good part of me feels I should not enjoy it ever again. If anybody has any advice on it, I'm all ears. Or even hearing if you relate to these feelings, I might appreciate the solidarity at least.
im going to be vague here, but basically i did something in the past that i regret and it became a huge point of my OCD but i have talked to my therapist and i have mostly moved past it. i watched a video by an OCD youtuber that really put it into perspective. anyway, i have been with minimal worry for a few days, but now im having worries related to i think false memory? basically itās like āoh but what if i said/ did this and just forgot that means i harmed this person im a bad personā. to me it sounds like textbook OCD but im just wondering if anyone else has experienced false memory / real event at the same time. i have a really horrible memory which is making it even more stressful. any responses are appreciated!
Hello all, Iāve dealt with various OCD themes and compulsions for pretty much as long as I can remember. In some periods of my life the thoughts and compulsions have been particularly severe, but Iāve also had years where Iām able to keep it under control. This has made me worry I donāt actually have OCD, especially because I havenāt been doing consistent therapy and my therapists have gone back and forth on whether I have OCD. In the past few years, Iāve struggled immensely with false memory ocd, and right now Iām going through probably the most severe episode of my life. I love my boyfriend with all my heart. A few times that Iāve gone out drinking Iāve had the thought before āwhat if I lost control and cheated tonightā and itās bothered me severely. Two times before, itās gotten to the point of convincing myself that because I talked to a man that meant I had cheated on my boyfriend and just couldnāt remember. It has never turned out to be true. About a month ago, I went out with friends and had too much to drink. I was really ashamed of myself the next morning, particularly because I always try to drink cautiously now that I know it can trigger my anxiety. I am ashamed to admit I do not remember the very end of the night getting in my uber and going home. I woke up anxious and extremely worried and immediately started off by worrying if I could have tried to kiss my friend and not remembered. I called him and was immediately reassured nothing had happened, I simply drank too much and went home at the end of the night. I started feeling better, but then remembered a moment I had been in the bathroom. I remembered chatting with people in line about how long the line was, and then being in the bathroom on my phone. I then felt like I remembered people knocking and saying to myself āthat wasnāt that longā and leaving. There is nothing concrete that I remember that in any way indicates I cheated, and in fact I have texts with my boyfriend from the whole night telling him I loved him. My friend told me that the only time I was ever apart from him was about 5 minutes and that when he came back I was in the same exact spot he left me in. However, when I remembered being in the bathroom, I thought to myself āwhat if you cheated on him in the bathroomā/ āoh my god did you cheat on him in the bathroomā and then a series of images of me performing sexual acts popped into my head. Iāve poured over my memory and truly do not remember meeting anyone, talking to anyone, or even finding anyone attractive that night, but the fact that I was drinking makes me worried Iām just forgetting and these images could be real. Iāve been constantly ruminating on these fears for the past month, to the point that the only relief I feel is when Iām able to fall asleep. Iām a law student and itās becoming extremely difficult to keep up with my classes. Iāve been google searching, asked chat gpt for advice, confessed my fears to my boyfriend, asked for reassurance from pretty much everyone in my life, and even emailed the bar asking for security footage (which I know all sounds insane). Iām a naturally guilty person and feel bad about small things, so I really donāt think I would be capable of cheating and then nonchalantly texting my boyfriend, but these images feel so real that itās terrifying. Iāve also seen a lot about how I would ājust knowā and that begins to scare me because then I think āyou do just know, you did itā even though I really donāt think I did. I know these posts are not supposed to be for reassurance seeking, Iām just so exhausted and feeling really depressed. Iām wondering if anyone has experienced something similar and has any advice. Iām also wondering if images can feel more real the more you ruminate on them or if itās a sign of memory. Thank you so much for listening.
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