This is off topic from OCD just thought this is a good place to vent.. Everybody else is head over heals in love with their kids and I’ve struggled this whole time to feel like that/: .......

Please read this. I’ve had ocd pretty much a lot of my life but never knew what it was until my senior year of highschool. I’m 21 with 2 kids and i believe i’ve had pocd a little bit before my daughter was born (which was 8 months ago). It made me start looking at all kids differently and i hate it. But it really started triggering me about 3 months ago. I’ve been thinking if i’d intentionally touched or harmed my kids the wrong way, or any kids for that matter. This started giving me false memories (or at least hope they are). I’ve been having panic attacks, yelling at myself, punching walls, praying, and even thoughts of ending my own life. I grew up in a severe toxic household throughout my childhood and teenage life. I’ve never wished that on my kids since i became a dad. I wanna give them the life i never got. I look back my photos of my children and i feel like i’m a complete fraud of a dad. I cannot look at my kids or be around them a lot of times. I can’t hold my daughter right. I can’t change their diaper when they need it. Even my son came and was hugging on me the other night while i was watching tv and i acted like a stranger to him. I can very little do this stuff sometimes because it’s either i get relief or i push my thoughts as far back as i can. I get scared if i did something to not just my kids, but any other kids in the past. I have such a a great life and such a beautiful family. It was hard and stressful at first being young with a family but i couldn’t be more thankful at all for them. I’m just so lost and stressed right now that i just don’t know what to do anymore

I’ve shared on here before that I don’t have the best relationship with my parents but I still care for them a lot. I love them. This disorder has been so debilitating for the last 4 months. It keeps getting worse. It’s been attacking any physical contact with my parents. Any touches, hugs, playful jabs, caresses, anything. Anything that’s supposed to be pure and loving. My brain jumps to it being inappropriate, or weird or just comparing it to something sexual. Then I just feel so uncomfortable. I don’t know if I’m just hyperaware of how I feel, I tense up badly or if I’m checking how I feel. I don’t know. It breaks my heart. It genuinely hurts so bad. I feel like a child who just wants to cry in her parents’ arms but OCD is trying to take them away. This feels so painful, I’ve been dealing with so many themes but this specific situation hurts the most. I feel devastated and scared. If anyone else has been through this or has any advice, I’d really appreciate it. And if not, just knowing that someone heard me would mean a lot. I feel so deeply sad.

Hey all, This is so strange to share this, and I have been judged by others and misdiagnosed many times. About a year ago I worked with an OCD therapist and it was really triggering. For me my thoughts are mainly about suicidal ocd and harm ocd centered around my children of all things. Fear that I could or would want to hurt them, then feeling so horrible that I believe I’m suicidal then I go back and forth on that. After reading a few of your posts, it makes me truly have a bit of hope that I can overcome this.