This is not an ocd thing. I kept promising things to god because I feel bold. Then I get scared. Any advice?

I put a trigger warning because I will be discussing themes of end of times. I feel like I'm not following God's will. God knows ultimately that things were going to speed up end of times wise. A few months ago, I had a random thought to call someone I had affected with past sin and apologize to him although I did not know he was there, my sin affected him. I know he deserves an apology, but I chalked it up to ocd and treated it as such for months fast forward to now I feel like I'm completely against God. Horrifying. It's a complex situation I caused and therefore though I know he deserves an apology I'm really scared as I created a mess of things. I've been praying that God help certain things come to fruition so I could be exposed and help minister to others if that's what He's calling me to do but no answer. Instead horrible images and thoughts and feelings of doom. I see signs to apologize everywhere. I'm at my wits end. Because I tend to get ahead of myself I asked two family members and they said don't and then I see things that say Though people in your life mean well, don't go based on what they say only what God says. I tell God to do His will and I'll follow, do you think He'll listen. I even told Him I straight up don't want to do it, not because He doesn't deserve one, but because last time I apologized to someone else I didn't do it right and it was messy. I feel so evil, like a wolf in sheep's clothing. I also remember looking up morbid things for what???? Only to be disturbed pray about it and leave by why search it up again? I also fantasized alot about guys I've been single forever, late 20s now, I'm trying to go to church and my crush is there and I try to stop thinking about him because I know it's delusional but the thoughts don't leave. I'm so tired I want to stop but stop what? Living? I want to stick to God as close as possible. I'm going crazy.

Dealing with ocd since age 7 on and off it's all good until it gets spiritual but I'm like how can God forgive these thoughts that feel like they're coming from me? I was binging cookies and I already thought I'm going to finish these as soon as I pick up the cookie- God wouldn't like that. You know you're destroying His temple. And then a random thought. I'll do what I want. Worship how I want. Bruh what??????? Is this what He meant by Haughty spirit? And if i chalk it up to OCD will I be considered of flattering the Lord with my lips (denying it verbally that it's OCD) but in my heart there's malice? Is it dual mindededness any theologians here?

I just woke up and I keep calling God this terrible word in my head and it feels so real and I’m not super freaked out. I feel kinda numb to the thought but I just feel terrible at the same time because I don’t wanna talk this word I’m scared that God is gonna take me away. I don’t know what to do.