i had a what i think was an intrusive thought. i really hope it was and that it wasnt me

I woke up disassociating really bad ,I was super tired and if you read my prev post I've been having problems w depersonalization after a bad thc trip the other night. Im so so so scared I just said a slur or whispered it to myself because I cant properly remember things rn. I remember getting the thought and im scared i whispered it to myself and I cant tell if it happened or not bc waking up things feel rly blurry . It feels really real. I would never want to say such a word and im scared i did bc I was so out of it. I dont remember if i just had the thought or acted on it

are they truly intrusive thoughts or am i thinking and creating automatically graphic images that i dont want to think? i think it happens because it's too easy once you're anxious abt it. i dont enjoy it. i just saw a trigger and had a graphic disturbing se&ual image in my head.

I remember another thing from the past where it was a sexual thought and I don’t remember if I was talking to or dating my gf at the time but it was like “if I was talking to someone else like _____ I’d be able to have sex already” and I feel terrible bc I don’t want sex. I would rather be with my girlfriend than any other girl. Idk if the thought was intrusive or not. I think the people or person I was thinking of may have been intrusive. I’m just terrified bc I really love my gf and don’t care about sex