It's getting bad again. So I've been trying my hardest to not get reassurance from my Mom because that's what I always do when it's really dark. But this time I actually do say my thoughts and I have them with feelings. Then afterwards (maybe not right away could be the next day or something) the guilt hits. And in my religion it says we're accountable for our actions and words. I didn't even get to tell my Mom the content of these thoughts because she immediately stormed at me. She says I was doing great now I lost control and that it's partly my fault becaus I should learn how to control my thoughts. Now i think she'll hate me so much if she knows the content because it's related to her and also other stuff I said. Even worse that I didn't see anyone experiencing this. They also have sexual/riligious thoughts and I said them with feeling so I feel so horrible. I might be back into a new cycle of misery.

Yes I am Muslim and no I'm not in therapy because my parents wouldn't let me and I'm only 14 so I can't change that really. The problem is that me saying it and realizing it might not be ocd because no one experiences this truely terrifies me. I know I shouldn't ask for reassurance but I I truely can't stand this uncertainty. But sometimes I comfort myself by saying that I've been fighting these things I said when they were just in my head so I don't really mean them. And I also say new stuff while trying my hardest and while suffering from stuff I said so it's not in my power. But I panick once more because they're so terrible.

@not_me Why does it matter if no one else experiences it? And how do you know that nobody else experiences it?

@not_me Also this 100% sounds like OCD but even if it’s not you treat it the same as if it was in order to get better.

@Anonymous I think it doesn't happen with others because like I watched many videos on this topic and they said "what matters is what you say and your actions not your thoughts" and also posted about it and people wrote different experiences but they never do say. But actually this started after I said a joke about one of my intrusive thoughts to someone and seemed to believe it and enjoy it. I had the fear of saying my thoughts ever since.

@Anonymous Also, this is gonna sound really weird but like I don't typically say them, it's like I mutter them or something like my mouth isn't even opened but they do come with emotions. Idk if you get what I mean

@not_me I think I kind of understand what you mean but it’s difficult without an example. Do you mind giving one? Like no we don’t all do the same exact things, but a lot of us do similar things.

@Anonymous First off, thanks for still answering me. Second thing, it's like I'm actually muttering the words so I don't technically say them but it comes out as muttering. Also, I've just seen people fear that they say their intrusive thoughts but they don't actually do so. And people who do say it don't have it with emotions you know. But it's so weird for me because I keep ruminating on this matter alot then it somehow happens again! Sometimes I think it occurs again because it scares me alot.

@not_me Well I have said my intrusive thoughts, with feelings, but my compulsion is confessing. But why on earth does it matter if you mutter you intrusive thoughts? Like, does that mean something? Also are you doing it compulsively, like feel like you have to?

So you are muttering on purpose correct? And you are afraid your thoughts are true or you like them because you mutter them? Is that right?

@Anonymous Yesss exactly. Especially that I get the feeling of liking it. Then I feel the guilt coming in at the same moment or maybe the next day.

@not_me Ok so you have to stop the muttering because it’s a compulsion. It sounds like you are doing it to check and see if you like it. And are you really sure that you get feelings of liking it? And even if you like it why does it matter?

@Anonymous No it's not a compulsion though, and I don't do it for checking which is why I'm confused about it. And it matters that I like it because it's riligious and targeted towards my family too. And I really don't know why it happens because I keep panicking so much about it and feel guilty then I do it again! And as I said it ain't a compulsion so I really don't get why it happens.

@not_me Are you sure it’s not a compulsion? I really think it is. Why else would you say it? We have control over things we say.

@not_me And who cares if we like something? Like how does that change anything or affect anyone? It’s just a feeling

@Anonymous Because in my religion our words do matter. Ik it can be hard for me to explain it of you're religion is different but like me saying it makes me feel like I did a sin. And they're REALLY awful things towards God and my family which leaves me with guilt because it wasn't juts a feeling but I also said it which is acting upon it.

@not_me But then why do you say it? Like are you saying it’s out of your control? And do you really think God would think you are so terrible because you mutter something?

@Anonymous That's the thing. I truely don't know! If I hate it that much then why is it happening? Sometimes I'm like it might be out of my control and sometimes I think it's not. And others I feel like it could be happening because I'm trying to prevent it from happening juts like when you try to stop thinking about a specific think but you do think about it at the end. That's why I'm asking on here because I'm so clueless about it. And again, thanks for still replying to me.

@not_me Ok so basically the answer to all of this is that you need to accept the uncertainty. You need to stop trying to figure out if you like it/why you say it. You have to decide that it doesn’t matter to you. Because if you keep trying to figure it out it’s going to keep you sick. Nobody can expect you to be perfect or do the right thing all the time, that’s impossible. You’re a human being.