What happens if you can’t figure out how bad of a person you are

Was I a bad person before this life and is God punishing me. Sometimes I think I have a reverse punishment. Like God knew I'd be a horrible adult so that's why I was abused as a kid. I wasn't horribly abused but I didn't really realize I was until my psychiatrist told me I was. I hate myself

TW: SEWERSLIDE WARNING I’m scared to continue living because I don’t want the worst to happen. The worst being me discovering I’m a sociopath, pedophile, ephebophile etc… I have people I don’t want to disappoint. I keep looking for an excuse/something wrong with me so that I can decide whether I want to continue living or just end my life and save myself from the embarrassment of my loved ones finding out. At the same time I’m afraid to die. I feel like I’m not making a lot of progress in therapy. The only thing keeping me going right now is the thought that maybe one day I will find out that I’m not a creep, a sociopath &/or an ephebophile. At the same time living everyday is hard with all this looming over me. Some days I feel like I can continue no &’s ifs or buts. Other days I feel like im my own cheerleader & i am actually this bad person i think i am. I am so confused. Yesterday this thing came up where i suddenly find myself thinking a 17 yr old actor is attractive mind you im 21 yrs old.. idk if this is arousal nonconcordance or what it is honestly..I’m just afraid that it says something about who I am.. maybe that’s why I like guys my age with smaller bodies because it reminds me of a younger person??? Idk

How do you guys handle uncertainty? I keep having so many what if thoughts and I feel so bad. The worst ones are what if I act on my intrusive thoughts or actually want them and I can’t tell if they’re me or not. It just feels so real and at this point I don’t even know if they’re intrusive thoughts anymore. I just want to not be a bad person and not feel like this anymore.