My value system and two different strains of OCD decided to have a three-way war in my brain this evening, and it has been so emotionally draining and miserable. I don't trust my own judgement at all. I feel so at odds with the world...like I don't belong here, or anywhere, and I never will. No reassurance, please, but any support or encouragement would be very much appreciated - I feel incredibly alone and isolated right now.

OCD can be so isolating. I’m in a health anxiety spiral and struggling at work. I feel like I am failing everywhere and feeling very alone. My support system is tired of hearing about my fears, health wise and work wise. I find myself crying a lot. I don’t particularly enjoy doing anything anymore. I feel like I just can’t get comfortable in my skin or my head sometimes. I’m not sure how to else to describe it. Like nothing soothes me or makes it better. Even sleep is bad dreams and waking up anxious all night. I’ve always felt different from everyone else but when I’m on meds I can fake it better and I feel more connected. I want to go back on SSRI’s but I’ve been dealing with health issues and the meds exacerbate them so am delaying for the time being

I had a really stressful couple of weeks and it's all hitting me right now. I cannot for the life of me shut off my brain my thoughts for a little and it feels like drowning. It's 1 a.m. here and I'm feeling completely hopeless like this feeling is going to last forever. I'm feeling like I can't use the tools I've been given my my psychologist and my meds feel like they've stopped working. I feel like by the end of the end I'm going to lose my mind. I usually am able to find some silver lining but today has been so bad. Everything triggers me and I have really bad intrusive thoughts about dying and finding some peace but I know that's not what I want. It's just so difficult navigating life when your brain works against you. I'm so tired and defeated and I feel like I have no one to turn to, but even that is some form of reassurance and it makes me spiral that I decide actively against it. I just feel like I'm losing my mind and I'm going "insane" from the distress. All my failed friendships and relationships have come back to haunt me and I feel like I can't get out of the house. All my sort comings are layed out in front of me and I feel like I am the worst person in the world and nothing will fix that. I have some real bad thoughts about my friends and family. And I know alla of this is classic symptoms of OCD but even though I know I can't rationalize and come to peace with them. I'm so envious of people being able to lead a normal life without this burden and in my mind it's just highlights all my shortcomings. I've had moments like this before but the last really nasty one was four years ago when I was yet undiagnosed and I really felt insane back then. I was hoping that when this happened to me again I'd be more capable of handling it but I don't think I am. I'm constantly on a battle against my mind and some times I win and sometimes I lose. I'm sorry for the rant I just feel extremely hopeless right now.

I don't usually post on here because it could end up becoming a compulsion or could be seen as reassurance seeking but I think I just need a place to vent and to also get some encouragement and peer support. I am really struggling with my intrusive thoughts and feelings today. All of it feels extremely real and convincing. Right now, I feel thoroughly convinced that I have already identified as either a lesbian or bisexual. I have been diagnosed with OCD by both a psychiatrist and a psychologist years ago and I still feel convinced that it isn't OCD. I keep feeling as if I am just using OCD as a cover-up / as an excuse to deny my “actual” sexual orientation / to hide the “fact that I'm actually lesbian / bisexual”. I have been practicing ERP whenever my schedule allows but it's tough... ERP typically works for me but on days like today, it doesn't seem to be working and that makes me doubt if I have OCD or not. At the same time, I am also convinced that ERP isn't working and I am secretly in denial / struggle with comphet / have internalised homophobia (which makes it worse because my family is homophobic and most of my intrusive thoughts have been targeting that / using that as evidence). Feeling really scared and hopeless... 😞