I’m tagging this as a trigger warning because I’m sure it is, but some parts of me can’t believe there’s an app full of people going through what I’m going , & I’m mad at myself I didn’t find an outlet like this before. It might be long, it might be triggering, it might not be triggering at all, I don’t even know anymore. I cannot understand my actions or thoughts. I feel the horrible urge to explain myself here. because I honestly feel no one in my life understands a THING I’m going through. So like, I’m an only child. My moms an only child. Grew up in a very broken, toxic, but wholesome home??? Does that make sense? My grandparents pretty much took over control of me as a child and my mom was just kinda - there. They completely spoiled me, like really bad. They over compensated for my parents. During this time in my childhood, I had no one to play with, I had American Girl dolls.. & I constantly had a hard time making friends & keeping friends because I was very ADHD & kids noticed it. I was in Remedial Math, & was marked a weird kid from the start. It went undiagnosed because everyone just thought I was an overly spoiled, brat child. Come to find out - with Genetic Mapping & a very intelligent Dr. in my city, we were able to get a sense of where these actions, feelings, & problems I was having were coming from. He diagnosed me with OCD & ADHD & BPD. This when I was 17. It was January of 2017 so I had just turned 17. & it hurts me bad that no one really cared to find out what was wrong with me until I dropped out of school already, had already abused substances, had already been raped, & pretty much everything else you can of that’s bad. They totally just thought I was a brat child, & horrible person. Or I feel that way anyways. August 10th of 2017 I found out I was pregnant & by August 30th the pregnancy had been terminated. I know I was only 17, but I really wanted to have the baby. & not because I was in love with the child’s father — because he advised me to get the abortion as well. But because it doesn’t feel ethical to me to abuse the beauty of life like that. It really goes against my morals. I wanted the baby & I was going to love the baby. From the moment I found out I was pregnant at Planned Parenthood - I was scared but what 17 y/o girl isn’t? One day of thinking on it & I knew what I wanted to do, but I was manipulated & forced into doing what my grandmother wanted. She basically told me she would never speak to me again, would cut off all financial aid to me & my mother & berated me over me wanting to keep my child.... so I did what I felt was best for me & I terminated the pregnancy... I had 20 whole days to decide what I wanted to do, & I don’t think there’s enough time in the world to make a decision like that... definitely not 20 days. I cry everyday for my unborn baby. I have a lot of trauma. A lot of trauma. I’m being triggered by anything & everything at this point. My mother being a huge trigger — but we’re being played against each other I feel like by my grandparents who — 1 - are never neutral in our arguments - play both sides - call her crazy to me & then tell her I’m the crazy one 2 - hold money & a home over our heads 3 - are very negative, racist & see only things they’re way. I love my grandparents so much. They are old now, 73-74 years old. & I try not to bring them into anything as much as I can, but during my childhood, they raised me. It’s hard not to vent to your parents... & I really do look at them that way. But coming to be an adult is hard to realize your “parents” brainwashed you, turned you against your bio parents is really hard to see. I feel like I have no respect for my mom as a parents or mother. I don’t want to feel this way at all. My dad I have some respect for but I think it’s only because he didn’t get to be there. I really feel like my grandparents have tried to cancel out my parents all together — because I guess they didn’t see them to be fit? My mom has never had a stable job, & is very emotional 24/7 while my dad is an alcoholic & easily triggered by stress. But they never ever had a say so on anything. For instance - My mother was my LEGAL GUARDIAN & my grandmother was first on contact papers at school, & the hospital. My dad & I are just forming a relationship again. This has only been going on for 2 years maybe. He was counted out from the time when I was 10 until I was 19. Today my dad told me “I’m the problem. Stay away or act right” & I don’t know how to feel. I try to act right!! I want so bad & nothing more to just act right & normal!!!! I can accept that I’m the problem but I feel like everyone is super toxic & triggering to my feelings & emotions. I feel like they don’t even try to see where I’m coming from & what I’m feeling. I have started to over react to little things because I feel like I am at a boiling point or something. Like it’s all built up for so long that I cannot control my emotions when I am triggered. Sometimes it’s pathetic. Sometimes it’s violent. Sometimes it’s suicidal even though I LOVE LIVING. Sometimes it’s completely sexual & the only thing I feel like will make me feel better is being validated by sexual intimacy. Ever heard that XXXTentacion song - “YuNg BrATz” — that’s my head when I’m triggered — not the lyrics in general but that song is the only way I can explain the way my thoughts feel when I am completely - & excuse my language - MIND FUCKED. & honestly my mind has been in that state for the past 3-4 months or so & I’m not sure what to do. Does anyone else feel this way? Does anyone have a good recommendation on an outlet that could help me? I’m medicated for ADHD but I think it’s triggering my OCD worse! I feel a bit hopeless but I’m trying to remain positive! Please don’t reassure me, but i ask that you please use kind words if you can, to reply to me if you feel you would like too! Tough love is fine too! I’m not going to be offended. As long as we can keep it constructive, I’m game to listen & take everything here I read into consideration. I’m not here looking for a feeling of hope, or satisfaction. I really just want to see that other people know what I’m feeling. It would be great to find some people who understand! (I’m a bit scared to post this.) TIA 😁