Deleted post.

I’m curious if anyone else has ever had this. This is my specific theme in regards to my OCD that has been prevalent in my life since 2022. Quick back story: went to a party college for 4.5 years and had a blast, got as drunk as I wanted on weekends and never once felt bad about it. Then, hangovers got worse and I started partying too much. After graduation, I told myself that it’d be a really cool goal to get to the point where I could go out and just have 4 beers. Enough to enjoy myself, not enough to make me hungover. Well, this simple healthy goal turned into a massive obsession. Now, if I go over my limit of 4-5 beers/drinks, two things happen: 1. I give up and binge drink bc I might as well if I’m already over my limit. 2. The next day even if I’m super hungover, unless I can’t bc of work scheduling, I will perform a check where I drink 4 beers and see if I can still get drunk off of those. If I can get drunk, then I feel normal. If I am not as drunk, then this cycle continues. I worry about becoming an alcoholic all the time bc at this point in my life I am very active in my social scene, and alcohol is very much present. While I certainly do not have any family history of alcoholism nor the personality or drive to become one, I still fear that I might one day despite knowing I won’t. I also worry about raising my drinking tolerance by continuing to feed this obsession/compulsion loop. It’s slightly affected my personality and confidence. I’m aware it’s irrational and the solution is to simply cut back as anyone would and go out less frequently, or drink less frequently when I’m out. And yet, my other obsession with alcohol is experiencing the painful withdrawals that alcoholics experience when they stop drinking!! Despite never having experienced those withdrawals when I’ve not drank on a given night. So, it’s a weird one. Thinking the ERP is just going to be not performing those checks. If I’ve reached my limit and am not as drunk, okay. Alcohol absorption is affected by a lot. No need to check my tolerance nor go overboard since I’m not as drunk. We’ll see. I’m on Zoloft too which has helped a ton with other symptoms but this theme is making it less effective and I need to get control of it now.

To me this has probably been my own biggest question I've asked myself in the last couple of years. But I recently went to a social event in my college town for a college football game and had fun while also interacting with a girl and my friend. All of that doesn't matter for this topic. But basically part of me wants to consider drinking because I've been fearful of it for years and always viewed it as a negative. The thing is with my therapist of almost 2 years I've gotten to a way better and confident point in my life and I really want to pursue a relationship with a girl. And I mean something that can go long term so rather serious I understand if the first girl I date wouldn't end up being the one but I want to atleast experience now with my boosted confidence. Back to the question though. I feel like going down the dark side 😂. Which sounds kinda goofy but I'm really considering drinking to ease my nerves. The girl I talked to had a few drinks and she got pretty flirty which in my eyes would help me get to that point with someone I want to pursue. She ended up ghosting me which is perfectly fine but obviously I'd like to try to form a relationship or get another number like I did. I have had addictive stuff with myself and family and I'm genuinely fearful of what might happen if I drink along with what my ocd might make me do or not. Which I understand is my ocd talking but I need honest opinions here. I feel like I'm turning against my old self that I knew up untill 21 years before this day.

tw just in case. don’t know what to put but just proceed with caution. I’ve been obsessed with brands/companies to boycott for palestine and have been using two sources for when I shop. I am in the BDS subreddit and every time there’s a new thing and it just limits what I can buy. I’ve successfully avoided products/restaurants but I have so many questions. for example, I know coca cola is being boycotted. I have this question: what if local restaurants (which is encouraged over big names) offer coke products? do u boycott the entire restaurant, especially when they say they proudly serve it? or when u want a drink with ur combo and anything except water has a product that’s being boycotted or is from a company that’s boycotted. do u just drink water all the time? maybe these are stupid questions but I wonder all the time. I feel like it can get hard especially living in the US with many products having to be boycotted. anyway, I read posts on the BDS subreddit and I have wondered about snacks and a lot of the snacks come from boycotted companies that are all over the stores. sometimes I just want a snack especially after a long day & mental exhaustion. but then 90% of the products in store are not safe to buy. I saw comments on these types of posts of companies/snacks to avoid and people usually go “who figured giving up z!0n!$t products would make me healthier/lose weight” or “the products aren’t healthy to consume anyway. you’re better off without those products in your diet” and while they’re right, wouldn’t the same be said for safe snack products? they’re not healthy either. but yeah, finding snacks can be a hassle sometimes. and then worrying which grocery store to boycott because it’s on the list. I have donated to victims in gaza and have been trying to boycott what I can. I don’t know why but I feel bad for feeling frustrated when I find out a restaurant/company/product is on the boycott list. it’s a constant thing. now I wonder about people who buy these products? should I assume anyone who buys from these companies to be evil? for example, the company I work for has had a history of controversies with the lgbtq+ community. we get a bunch of customers everyday and I wonder if these people know? do they even care? won’t be surprised since the company is christian owned. I feel like a fraud for having spent money buying stuff at my job. all of the times were because I was just hungry. while the company stopped making donations that harmed lgbtq+, I then found out that the owner donated to something that harms the community that made me feel disgusted. ever since then, I haven’t spent a penny at work. I have been budgeting my meal allowance and that is all. I’m just so preoccupied with the what ifs and everything I buy. I’m overwhelmed and I feel like by saying this, people will say something like “u feel like this is a chore? well imagine the many kids and innocent people dying from choices like yours. you aren’t dying for boycotting this product/company.” I feel overstimulated from this. it just feels a lot with other things I have on my mind. dealing with undiagnosed mental illness and fatigue while trying my best to make ethical choices is exhausting. I don’t know if this is a case of “you need to get off the internet” or just take a break. I’m always worried about being a bad person nowadays. I feel like I over fixate on actions I feel like should’ve been avoided. ughhhhh my brain is overloaded.