[So-ocd/hocd triggers/tmi] My day started ok and then it just got awful. All of this feels like its happening against my will. I dont want this but my brain seems like its just saying "too bad its happening anyway". Im completely freaked the hell out and lost. I keep trying to stay away from compulsing and ritualizing but my brain keeps telling me "just keep doing it. Keep doing it. Push and youll find out who you REALLY are" I still cant sexually respond to women but my brain keeps saying "force it. force it. Force it. Once you force it youll realize the truth" but i still just cant. Ive done it fucking 40 times now at least and the result is always the same. I try so hard to accept the uncertainty but my brain keeps drilling. Somehow it keeps telling me that i HAVE to be attracted to women even though my body doesnt respond to them. Im so fed up with this. Ive tried just being "meh" about it and saying "oh well who cares its not important" but it just keeps BATTERING at me until i compulse again and spiral. Im miserable. I sat in the shower and sobbed. This all feels so unnatural and forced. I hate it so much and i know that this is just a low and i can pick myself up again but what the hell im finally in a good relationship and im comfortable and just because i had some awkward sex back in November because of this damn condition my brain went haywire. Im avoiding everything i love like videogames and manga that i adored. I killed a whole damn box of gushers just because i was so frustrated. I can still only get off to men but my brain is so paradoxically stuck telling me that it means nothing. I just needed to vent because im just so freakin mad. Again. Tomorrow im gonna pick back up on resisting my compulsing and just accepting uncertainty. I was doing well for a while, but a particularly bad spike threw me off and its been hard to get back on my feet.

Anonymous

Date posted: 6y

Also. Bc it’s important to add: you are loved.

Anonymous

Date posted: 6y

This meditation has been enormously helpful to me around OCD. If you’re up for it, sign up for a free trial and check it out. When, at the third step, she tells you to think about a community of people who are suffering, think like crazy about others with HOCD.

Anonymous

Date posted: 6y

And I have totally been in that shower crying. Just today I sat inside a nasty outhouse and wept. You’re suffering is so real. “This too shall [motherfucking] pass.”

m.a.d.

Date posted: 6y

I totally get the feeling that you HAVE to be attracted to women.. like your OCD wants to find the one scenario where it’s true. Mine has now convinced me that I know I’m straight but that I wish I wasn’t? which doesn’t make sense because I really don’t? OCD is scary and feels very real. Also I can relate to being triggered by a tweet!! I get that a lot and then you see it everywhere.. honestly social media is terrible for my HOCD. Just know that you’re not alone in this, and that we will get through this!!?

Gfaux

Date posted: 6y

God yeah its terrible. I feel like someones grabbing me by the hands and dragging me. Ive been avoiding social media just because it hasnt been good for me, and while im seeking recovery, likely wont help. Im glad we can all be in this together! Youre all great

Anonymous

Date posted: 6y

Is the relationship relatively new?

Gfaux

Date posted: 6y

Weve been together for about a year or so now. For 6 months i was totally fine, and then suddenly bang. I got kicked in the arse. Just because someone tweeted something that threw me off kilter completely

Anonymous

Date posted: 6y

https://www.glo.com/preview/class/5023

Gfaux

Date posted: 6y

Thank you!

Gfaux

Date posted: 6y

Thank you so much for how great youve been. Ive been so miserable and i really hate this shit more than anything. Its good to have perspective

Anonymous

Date posted: 6y

Let me know if you end up trying out that meditation. Curious to hear what you think. Hope your day was peaceful

Gfaux

Date posted: 6y

Im def going to look into it. I think meditation would be good for me thanks for checking in man i appreciate it

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