I used to seek for forgiveness, but now I understand that the thoughts are my punishment for what I have sinned,I don’t wish to die,I wish that I have never born..memories for what I have done are repeated in my brain thousands of times,images of the past go over and over in my head,it makes me tired.I look into my family,my friends,the close people to me,and the intrusive thoughts start,along with the memories of my past,so I avoid them and isolate my self away from anyone,yet the thoughts won’t stop.I don’t know if it was ocd or something from my past is chasing me.I believe I don’t deserve love,I feel pathetic and scared of the future.I would kill my self to stop my pain,my misery and my torment,but I won’t do it because it will make things worse,I’m typing here because I can’t speak to no one else,like my mom is close to me and we love each other but the thoughts always come and make me feel sad,and when she ask me what is wrong, I say I’m okay,she know I’m not.people here say go to therapy,I can’t,I just can’t.

It’s OCD OCD is a pain in the ass It wants you to doubt and question everything It feels horrible when you feel so stuck in your brain Talking to people who understand how you feel can make you feel better I’m doing ERP with a therapist who I was recommended by NOCD It’s really helped I have felt the way you feel but I’m a lot better now

Are you a Christian?

Your OCD is lying to you. I have felt all of this. I know going to therapy is scary. But it is so with it. I was terrified to share some of my OCD thoughts. But the therapist's expression didn't even change. OCD is not something you can defeat on your own. I really think you should consider going to counseling.

It doesn’t matter what you have done. If you murdered someone, raped someone, whatever it is. All human beings are worthy of love, forgiveness, and happiness. We are not defined by past mistakes. We have ALL sinned and hurt people. This is part of being human. I experience the same feelings as you, but am learning that I am not the exception to the rule that everyone deserves love even though I have hurt so many people. Why can’t you go to therapy? You clearly really need to go.