Venting, explicit kinda, Share similar experiences if wanted. Finished my first day of school. Managed shame. Saw my girlfriend and she was cute as ever. Felt good to see her but I felt bad around her for some reason. My self worth has just tanked for some reason. My obsessions just feel ruining to my character, and sometimes I feel dishonest and sometimes I feel good knowing it's OCD. I don't know what I'm feeling now but I miss my girlfriend for some reason. I haven't seen her in a month and today I only saw her for 30 minutes. And it sucks because when I had hocd I got intrusive thoughts about her having a beard or a manly face, and with pocd I worry that I like her because she's childlike, which I can recognize is false because she is very womanly. Long day. Feel sad, kinda happy that I get to socialize again. OCD (which I want to believe is doing this to me) makes me feel like I've acted on my thoughts, because I had an intrusive dream one time about babies and woke up in a panic with an urge to look up naked ladies. I didn't do that compulsion. But I did m*sturbate two hours later, I can't remember why. But I remember after I had a panic attack that I may have acted on my dream. And I just remembered that panic today. That happened a month ago. It's funny how ocd can spiral, because it all started because I saw a child in a swimsuit, and worried about that since I was looking at women in swimsuits during my HOCD compulsive era. All of this is disheartening to write. I never looked up shit or got off before OCD. I hated it. I feel like I've lost myself. Old me would have never worried about anything like this. Old me would only unplug my power brick daily before leaving school. Check multiple times for a door being shut. Having to say I love you to my family right. Having that kind of ocd behavior was way easier. At least I felt like I could fit in. Sorry for the long vent. I just am so fed up with all the doubt.

Idk if this post is even worth it but it seemed like a normal day for me, called off work due to the weather so I get to just stay home and play games all day. Easy day besides dealing with the constant and unbearable battle with my intrusive thoughts/feelings. Took a shower and I just had constant thoughts, (heart palpitations are pretty constant) ended up breaking down and bawling my eyes out. I was diagnosed with HOCD and ROCD about 2 months ago and since it's just gotten worse. It feels as real as it can get and after talking to my girlfriend about the anxiety attack, it feels even more real. I have no desire or enjoyment from what comes from my brain, and at this point I'm on my knees begging the big man upstairs for my old life back, how do I go from being obsessed with women (sexually and emotionally) to pretty much doing a 180 overnight (with the obvious anxiety and worry behind it. No real desire obviously). I'm just at a loss, I've done a little ERP and it seemed to help with the brain fog but besides that, everything that it does to someone, I have. And again there's the doubt I even have OCD and I'm in straight denial. It just sucks.

I’m lost, I’m exhausted, I’m angry. Keep askin myself why do I intentionally trigger my thoughts or think about a deragatory word when I get upset or create false narratives in my mind and feel my mouth moving a certain way when I do? Was I ever really in love w/ my ex or did I just feel sorry for her and wanted to help her when she needed someone the most? Why am I so fixated on her appearance? And always at the end of the month my feelings for her heighten then when I’m not about to start my period. I feel numb and feel like I don’t care as much. Why is it that you find someone that understands you more than you understand yourself and is so kind, gentle, understanding and everything aligns , but their appearance? But then I tell myself it shouldn’t matter/ it doesn’t matter, but my OCD fixates on their physical. It’s about how they make you feel and my ex made me feel heard and seen and always put me before her. My ex’s birthday was yesterday and I’m feeling a lot of guilt because I didn’t wish her a happy birthday. I know people have different opinions on wishing your ex a “happy birthday” or not but the reason why I didn’t was because I didn’t wanna lead her on. I didn’t wanna give her false hope cause I’m still tryna figure out how I feel. Apart of me wanted to because I just wanted to show her I’m thinking about her and wanted her to have a good birthday, but I didn’t wanna be selfish and have her think about me while she’s out having fun. I know when things start to fall apart and there’s nothing but Chaos, it’s god trying to test you but to also put your faith in him during frusterating times. When my ex and I were in a relationship I didn’t always put her first. I know I exhausted her and stressed her out and I regret that. I’m not perfect, I’m trying to better myself. We all know you can’t change the pass, but I wish I knew what I knew now vs what I new then. But I also tell myself that I did my best I could at the time. At the time, I wasn’t even aware of “flare ups.” Instead of snapping a her when I had an instrusive thought, I couldn’t just said…”hey I’m having a flare up. I need a min.” Something as easy as that, but again I didn’t know at the time. I just remeber the thought was triggering me so much it made me depressed and I didn’t know how to explain my thoughts to her. I read this quote that said, “someone’s effort of affection is how they feel about you.” I shouldn’t have read that because it got in my head. My OCD was telling me “you didn’t care to say happy birthday to her. She knows you don’t care about her.” I wish I didn’t have OCD and I’m sure yall feel the same way. Maybe my ex and I will never get back together, maybe she’ll move on and find better, maybe we’ll find eachother again. I pray to god. I know he’s listening and watching over me always. And yes I do see my therapist 2 times a week and I’ve told her this stuff. We are doing ERP, but I thought I would’ve made more progress than what I have been making. Small progress is progress tho. But anyways I just wanted to vent. Maybe someone here can relate ?

I’ve come to a point in my life where I can be very happy. I have a safe environment, a loving community. Yknow I’ve really healed through or moved on from a traumatic past and as I say to my boyfriend from time to time like a broken record: I feel like nowadays the only thing bringing me stress or at times misery is myself. I am a fairly joyful person, when I’m comfortable I’m very goofy and like to sing dance and have fun. I find that I relate to so many amazing people I meet that are the nicest, most fun, elevating individuals, who also struggle with the hardest sometime debilitating things. It truly sucks because when I find those moments of peace I see the power of what an ocd mind could be as a person. We are people who may over analyze, but I myself also always find the good in people. And aye if in a moment I don’t think anything is doomly wrong and if I don’t try to understand it I may parish 😅 then that moment feels like the best one in the world. But on the other side of that when I’m not in a quiet mind moment and I’m left with myself to take control of what life in front of me looks like in or around me. I almost have been crumbling. Like I said at the beginning of this story here, the life around me is not so situationally stressful. And it’s also fairly simple. My boyfriend and I live together in a small cozy trailer with our two cats, he works full time very hard and I work part time where I spend as much time as I can working and then have a few days around the house. We’re saving for a home and are quite content with our lifestyle at the moment with work and being “lazy”, or resting and going out for fun now an then on our time off together. Most times though I do have day or two off during the week by myself, which usually goes one of only two ways. Like I said before I do like to work hard, especially now that I have a part time job that’s fairly easier than others I’ve had in the past. So I work 6-7 hours then drive home, air up my tires and wash my car sometimes because I like doing something after work while I still have energy.Or I go to the store. Come home make food, prolly nap and not really worry about too much because I’ve worked all day. But on my days off. I find myself waking up with a lot of anxiety. I usually fight it off by going back to sleep. But my OCD is heavily circled around shame. Even though I only sleep in till 10-11, 12-1 at the latest. I find myself thinking about how wrong (in nice terms) it is to do that. And the funny thing is the older I get (I’m a 21F). I’m not as pressured by this thought, even though it’s still stressful it literally just feels like a thought I can’t escape from. To put things in simple terms. I truly psycho analyze my actions breath by breath and my intrusive thoughts are critiquing those actions bit by bit. I’ve recently have started medication and it was a tremendous difference in the beginning and it helped me cope with the acceptance and letting go (f it or just care less) of those thoughts. But let’s say I forget to take it, or I wake up one morning by myself all day and I’m super tired or unmotivated. That day will feel truly debilitated. And now I’m definitely to the point where I’m battling that, but also have a thin vale behind that where I now know what is going on. And the thoughts are shameful for “not trying to get better or be better” Because I do Like I write a lot, and it truly is one of the best coping mechanisms for working through intrusive or obsessive compulsions. I could also write all day, and if I don’t listen to that ease of the anxiety from writing. And try to keep going the writing will turn into a compulsion itself I feel like I should not stop or critique it as well. But luckily I’ll hopefully find my place in explaining the cycle of what I do when my brain is very loud about things. The next time it’s too loud:)