Venting, explicit kinda, Share similar experiences if wanted. Finished my first day of school. Managed shame. Saw my girlfriend and she was cute as ever. Felt good to see her but I felt bad around her for some reason. My self worth has just tanked for some reason. My obsessions just feel ruining to my character, and sometimes I feel dishonest and sometimes I feel good knowing it's OCD. I don't know what I'm feeling now but I miss my girlfriend for some reason. I haven't seen her in a month and today I only saw her for 30 minutes. And it sucks because when I had hocd I got intrusive thoughts about her having a beard or a manly face, and with pocd I worry that I like her because she's childlike, which I can recognize is false because she is very womanly. Long day. Feel sad, kinda happy that I get to socialize again. OCD (which I want to believe is doing this to me) makes me feel like I've acted on my thoughts, because I had an intrusive dream one time about babies and woke up in a panic with an urge to look up naked ladies. I didn't do that compulsion. But I did m*sturbate two hours later, I can't remember why. But I remember after I had a panic attack that I may have acted on my dream. And I just remembered that panic today. That happened a month ago. It's funny how ocd can spiral, because it all started because I saw a child in a swimsuit, and worried about that since I was looking at women in swimsuits during my HOCD compulsive era. All of this is disheartening to write. I never looked up shit or got off before OCD. I hated it. I feel like I've lost myself. Old me would have never worried about anything like this. Old me would only unplug my power brick daily before leaving school. Check multiple times for a door being shut. Having to say I love you to my family right. Having that kind of ocd behavior was way easier. At least I felt like I could fit in. Sorry for the long vent. I just am so fed up with all the doubt.

A fellow Liam struggling with POCD. Yeah it really does suck. I wanted children before this. I thought of having my own little guitar friends and taking care of them. When I was 8 I took care of babies and had younger friends that I treated fatherly and friendly. A few months ago I even talked to them one was 10 and 12 and had no anxiety at all. But at that time I had ROCD.

@urbread yeah i’ve always been completely fine with children. always a little annoyed by them, but always fine, no bad reactions or anything. it was like a switch got flipped. thinking a teenager is attractive turning into ‘well i thought a teen was attractive so that must mean i find little kids attractive too.’ sometimes i convince myself i am, then i remember myself… it’s hard to do that sometimes but i’m staying strong. we will be able to live healthy lives and have kids of our own one day. it will just take time.

@LiamC1 Dude I get worried about being attracted to my girlfriend, when we're both 15. It's really weird. I hope the best for you. If you still want to talk I'm game for that. Have you been diagnosed with ocd?

I'm not diagnosed but I exhibit the behaviors and symptoms and my mom and grandpa has it. I'm not too debilitated because I'm well aware of how this works. I still doubt if I have it. HOCD was worse for me. Not saying pocd is nothing. But I've learned techniques to better myself. It hit when my girlfriend had mutual feelings for me and asked, you're not gonna let the feeling die are you? And I just couldn't figure out why I couldn't feel right. I was worried I didn't truly like her and it was lust or something, and then I worried I liked other girls. Then I got an intrusive thought and a groinals that spiraled me into hocd. Rocd and hocd go hand in hand. I used to think all the time. "I'm not worth her. She's way better than me. How can I even be in this relationship and have these thoughts?" And for the sleep thing. I sleep to escape and I wake up nauseous and anxious. And I understand that limbo of doubt and knowing very well.

@urbread yeah, the doubting is the worst part. the what if’s, the maybes. i just want some normalcy and i want some guarantees. i want to be normal.

@LiamC1 Did you ever tackle ROCD or HOCD? What kind of signs of ocd did you have at a young age?

I agree. I'm lucky I'm not near children. I hold my breath around them in public and avoid them a lot. I'm not sure how ocd this is but when I was in second grade I had terrible fears of vomiting and any discomfort to my stomach would result in utter panic. I'd have to be picked up at school because of it. I think something clicked with the isolation from the pandemic and me being 15 that did this to me. Sometimes I think about my life before and am just astonished with all I've went through. If you would have told myself a few years ago that this would happen I would scratch my head in absolute confusion. Even writing this I'm doubting OCD. I wanted to be a perfect child, I didn't want to exhibit depression or anxiety. Because I wasn't like that. Even getting yelled at for small things would make me feel shitty. And I used to confess in detail what was happening to my parents and they look at me like I'm crazy and tell me that I'm irrational when I feel 100% rational. I don't feel like that always though. I have moments of clarity usually after self reassurance (which is bad). The doubt returns quickly. I Google pocd symptoms and do multiple ocd tests on my bad days. Also any site of a women's cleavage on the internet I use as checking material. I had cheating ocd for a short period of time. Wondering if my compulsions were an act of cheating. I love my girlfriend too the moon and back. And I think ocd knows that.

@urbread Oh and sorry for the long talk. You don't need to respond to this one. I don't want to take up your time.

And I'm here for you. I don't wish this pain upon anybody. People suffer for way longer than I have (only this summer)I have an appointment the 3rd, maybe a diagnosis will make me feel better, even though I know it won't. And that idea does help. I am guilty thinking I have acted on it though. Which is terrible. I have my best wishes for you. Fuck OCD.

@urbread I am sending all of the positive vibes your way. You are not a bad person and none of this is your fault. I just want you to know that everyone here understands and it is wonderful that you’re opening up about it. I wish I had sooner, but recovery is a process that will take time but in the end it is going to be better. Sometimes a diagnosis can be really validating. I have been in and out of facilities and was recently hospitalized for a little over 6 months, and I don’t wish that pain upon anyone as well. Fuck OCD. But I want to reassure you that things do in fact get better. I had been in a dark place and not treating my body or livelihood well, but I am now functioning in a group home and working on my coping skills. You WILL get through this and it is wonderful to know that you are going to have an appt. Never be scared to be honest, either. Honesty is so effective in treatment. Sorry for all of that but I have been in your shoes and still am in some ways but please don’t lose hope.

@blueberrysunshine Your words mean so much to me. Thank you.